I Got Covid

I got Covid. 

Here we are, almost two full years since this virus became known to us Americans, and I'm now experiencing first hand of what happens when you get this virus.

Over the last couple weeks, I've turned to the internet and Google to try to find answers about what to expect and how to treat to fight this virus. And something has been alarmingly apparent to me. There is like NOTHING positive about Covid on the internet. Over these last couple weeks, I've found myself also dealing even more with anxiety and depression as I work through having this virus. 

It's been a long time since the last time I wrote out a blog post. So I'm going to change things up a bit. This blog post is going to be a little bit different then many of my other posts. Many times, I wait until I've gone through something in order to start writing about it. Tie it up all pretty with a sweet bow. This blog is titled "Past. Present. Future." in order to see the connections from my past and how they impact both present situations and my future.  In a way, I'm still in the middle of this battle. 

My main goal with this post is to try to put on the internet what I was not able to find myself: positivity and hope. I'm not writing this to gloat about my successes. Allow me to take a moment right here to make a disclaimer: most of what I'm going to share, I didn't do perfectly. Which isn't too surprising for me. I swear that most of what I learned through most of my childhood of how to act came from watching my older brother. I'd watch what he did, watch him get in trouble for it, and then I'd do the exact opposite! 

Let me start by telling my story of how things have unfolded for the last couple weeks.

This school year has been challenging, to say the least. I'll save a large story about all of that for a future blog post. So, about three weeks ago, I decided to take a personal "mental health" day off of work on a Tuesday. I thoroughly enjoyed a day of sleeping in, staying in my jammies for far too long, doing some self care things, and ending the night with dinner with my family and my niece's choir concert. It was glorious!

The next morning (Wednesday), I woke up with a sore throat. I remember when it happened because I was annoyed that I was getting sick AFTER I'd just had a day off. For most of my life I've been prone to colds, and have had numerous ear infections while growing up. Without fail, I tend to get some kind of cold or other illness two times a year - once in October or November, and once in the spring. Ironically, in 2020, I somehow managed to not get sick at all (thank you, mandatory masking policies!). So when I woke up with a sore throat, I figured I was about due for one of my annual colds. My niece had just gotten over a cold, so I figured I probably just caught whatever she had.

Over the next couple days, more symptoms began to show up. Again, this is extremely common for me when I get a cold. It was either Wednesday or Thursday that I found out that my mom also had a cold. I wasn't feeling great and was really busy, so I opted to stay home from our church's Bible study that Thursday.

By Friday I was still battling this cold. It was also the last school day before Halloween. I knew I was in for a really crazy day at work with students who would probably try to eat candy for every meal. Sometime on Friday, I got a text from my mom. She had tested positive for Covid. She also had a "cold" that seemed to have morphed into something worse. I went through my day on Friday. On my way home, I decided to buy a Covid home test, just to be safe. I knew I had a cold. Worst case scenario, I'd just give it to someone else if needed. I felt like crap on Friday, but part of that was due to coughing through the night and not sleeping well. On Saturday, I had an oil change appointment for my car, then stayed at home resting for the rest of the day. I had started feeling better. So I was still under the impression that I simply had been battling a cold. I'd be fine in another couple days. I decided sometime on Saturday that maybe staying home from church on Sunday would be a good idea. So I was looking forward to sleeping in.

Sometime on Sunday morning, I went to put on some hand sanitizer - the good smelling stuff from Bath and Body Works. Every time I put something on from Bath and Body, I sniff it to enjoy the scent that I had chosen. I did that with this sanitizer...and was surprised that I couldn't smell it. Not even the alcohol. I had already started losing my sense of taste - from my cold, I had assumed. But in all my times of getting a cold, I had never lost my sense of smell. I instantly remembered hearing of other people with Covid going through similar things. 

I spent some time on Sunday scouring the internet. I knew loss of sense of taste and smell were common symptoms of a cold and of Covid. I tried to search to figure out what to look for to see if I could determine if this was just a cold or if it was Covid. Each search came up with various amounts of information. I pretty much picked up that the main difference between a cold and Covid is what it is doing INSIDE the body. Loss of senses with a cold is from swelling in your sinuses. So, take care of the congestion, and you will get your senses back. On the other side, though, Covid attacks the central nervous system. Essentially, the "messages" from your nose and taste buds never really make it to your brain. At this point I just figured it would be best to treat this like a cold still. Treat it for a few days. If it doesn't improve, then take a Covid test. 

But as my day went on (and my internet searching too), I continued to become more and more concerned. How long could I keep the fact that I had lost my sense of taste and smell a secret? I didn't want to alarm anyone. There is already so much fear in the world. I didn't want to alarm anyone about what seemed to be a common cold. Finally during the afternoon, I couldn't take it much longer. I pulled out one of the home Covid tests and swabbed my nose. I figured the closure of a negative test would put me at ease.

My heart fell when the line on that test was bright and pink. There were definitely two lines on that test strip. My test was positive. But I still wasn't completely convinced. I still thought there was a possibility that this was just a really bad cold. I had actually put the swab further up my nose than it was supposed to go (apparently the math teacher forgot what an inch looks like). Maybe I had done the test wrong? I could just take some cold meds for a few days, I'd probably be okay. A couple years ago, I had tested positive for both the flu and bronchitis (at the same time), though I had only had a few hours of flu symptoms. I didn't scan the code and report the Covid test. I did take a picture of it...then threw it away.

I jumped back on Google, looking up how accurate the home tests normally were. From what I found, if a home test said you were negative, there's a higher possibiltiy of it being a false negative. But if a home test said you were positive, it was pretty much a slam dunk that you did have Covid. 

Monday morning rolled around. Honestly, I was 100% still in denial about my positive Covid test. I was planning on going on with life and seeing if things improved in a couple days. But as I was getting ready for work, I kept feeling bad. We have been taught at church to respond to life in a Christ-honoring way. And I knew that going in to teach with a positive Covid test wasn't going to be very Chirst-honoring. So I sent my mom a text. Something along the lines of "So I lost my sense of taste and smell yesterday. At what point do I start worrying that this is more than just a cold?". Mom sent a text back: "Take the test". And that's when I decided to be honest - I had already taken one yesterday and I was pretty sure it was positive. Sent mom the picture of the test I had taken. She confirmed. At 6:45 Monday morning, I called my principal to say I had tested positive for Covid and would need to be in isolation for the entire week. 

As Monday wore on, I was still thinking this was going to be easy! But now I had 5 whole days to just be lazy. (Flash back to March 2020 when I planned to take a mental health day the same day our governor shut all schools down for 3 weeks. I was looking to take a 3-day weekend...God gave me 3 weeks instead...which then turned into the rest of the school year).

On Tuesday, I got a call from my principal. They needed me to get an "official" test (since I hadn't reported mine) so they could send a notice out to the students. I found a local urgent care location that would do the test and give results in 15 minutes. For a while I feared of what would happen if my test really WAS a false negative?? What if they did the test and it came back negative? But...it also came back positive. I had paperwork now that showed the positive test and a doctor's note to be off work until Monday. The urgent care doctor wrote me a prescription for a nasal spray that could help with congestion. After a trip to the pharmacy to pick that up and some cans of soup (I had started getting my sense of taste back...and chicken noodle soup was like the first thing I could actually taste), as I was driving home, I realized I was really not feeling well. I had been coughing so much that my ribs were hurting. The only other time that had happened was back when I had bronchitis. I got home, l laid down on a heating pad to help my poor aching ribs. I felt terrible. But I also figured that a good night's sleep would do me wonders. I have been taking medication since March for high blood pressure (another topic that could probably be its own blog post). Because I have high blood pressure, I had been limited on what medications I could take to ease the symptoms I was experiencing. More internet searching caused me to be even more concerned because with hypertension, I am technically at an increased risk to develop severe Covid symptoms...possibly requiring to be hospitalized. 

I spent almost all of Wednesday sleeping. Pretty much anytime I wasn't up doing something, I would be back in bed laying down. Somehow on Tuesday night, I had taken a good combination on meds that eased my ribs and I was finally able ot sleep. I don't think I've ever slept that much in one day in my life. I spent most of Thursday morning in bed. But then Thursday afternoon, I began to be STARVING. The rest of Thursday, I was in my living room sitting in a recliner.  The rest of the week continued with lots of resting. My symptoms were improving. I hadn't been eating much and was feeling a bit fatigued. My mom had gone back to work on Friday.

On Sunday (this past Sunday), I finally emerged from my isolation. If nothing else, to go to church. I realized that this was the most amount of moving I had done since the previous weekend. And I was supposed to go back to work the next day. Oh boy! But then Sunday came with a scare. I won't go into the full details. But my mom had a health scare related to Covid that ended up requiring an ambulance ride and a 23 hour hospital stay. To be on the safe side, I decided to take Monday off. I needed one more day to rest before going back to school. I realized that I was going to be on my feet almost all day. In over a week's time, I had only stood or walked as far as the bathroom and kitchen. On Monday evening, I took a 20 minute walk and did well with that. And then taught a 30-minute baby ballet class. I did fine with both of those. So I figured work would be possible.

Tuesday came. I knew I was in for a lot of stress. I'd been gone from work for 6 school days. Life had continued while I was gone. And the end of our first quarter was coming at the end of the week. I knew it would be hard. As I worked on plans for the day, I tried to plan things out that could allow me to sit down as much as possible. But my students aren't really independent. My first class of the day started. I had planned to give them some end of the quarter make up work while I worked on trying to organize the stack of turned in papers that required my attention. I had at least 2 weeks worth of papers to organize. As my first class began working, I could tell that I was a little slower than normal. And I was lightheaded. I sucked down water. Even started on a second bottle. About an hour into that first class, I really wasn't feeling well, I felt like I may pass out and started holding onto a student desk to make sure I was still standing. I grabbed a chair and sat down to keep organizing my papers. My students needed redirected many times. And I had zero motivation to get up and walk over to do those redirections. I started realizing that I really wasn't doing well. And I needed to get help. I managed to get someone to watch my class and I walked down to find my principal. Through tears, I told her I didn't feel well. I probably should have taken a couple more days off. I was sent home a few minutes later...before lunch. 

We're now up to present day. I've been off work yesterday and today. Most all of my other symptoms are better. But I've discovered that I'm still dealing with major fatigue. I can handle a 20 minute walk. And my 30 minute baby ballet class was after I'd spent a decent length car ride to get to the dance studio. But the 90 minutes or so that I spent on my feet at work on Tuesday was more than I could do. 

And that's where I am currently. I'm great when I'm sitting down. But when I get up, I get tired after 30ish minutes. Again, consulting good old "Dr. Google", it looks like this fatigue could last for a while. Possibly even a month or more. I've started getting worried because I don't have enough sick days to cover all that time. My mind is willing. But my body is weak. Yesterday I ran to Walmart. From getting out of the car to getting into the car was about 40 minutes. It wiped me out. I have no idea how long this will last. And my job isn't really a job that can be done while sitting down.

So here's where I want to flip the script on this story. Here's where I want to insert the hope and positivity that I have not been able to find on the internet. Here's what I'm learning through all of this. And like I said at the beginning of this post, most of these things are things I've come to realize as early as today. Or things I should probably cling to a little more. Or things others have had to remind me. I'm still working through this. But here's what I need to remember.

1. God is in control. There is nothing that goes outside of his control. He sees every single detail. Heck, he created every single detail. He's a big God. If he created that big tree out your window and created ways for it to get nutrients so that it can grow leaves every year and get through harsh winters...I think he can take care of things in my life. I love reading the first chapter of Job to remember this one. In verse 12 we learn that God allowed Satan to test Job. Job went through so many things. But make no mistake...God knew and allowed it. For me, getting sick with Covid is still in God's control. I'll be honest...I've kind of forgotten this one over the last couple weeks.

Scripture to ponder: Job 1 (the whole thing)

2. God cares. I love looking at Bible verses that show how much God cares about us. I love Psalm 56:8 "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottole, Are they not in Your book?" Every shed tear is collected. He knows about every single one. Honestly? I've been starting to feel somewhat lonely through this. Not many people get how tough Covid is. And I had probably what would be considered a mild case! And it's wiping me out!

Scripture to ponder: Psalm 56:8. Or just the book of Pslams in general.

3. God created our bodies to do amazing things! I just read today about some of the complexities of our bodies when it comes to fighting viruses. Think about it. God created our bodies with an immune system. Organs whose job is to fight off things that aren't good for our bodies. Last week, I read in a post on a Facebook group I'm part of relating to Covid "Be patient with your body. It just fought through a war". Perhaps I need to consider my fatigue as just a way to support my body. Just like when I've been through a tough day in the trenches of teaching middle school and need to rest...my body needs the same thing. 

Scripture to ponder: Psalm 139:13 "For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb". 

4. God does heal, and he does so through various means. No, I'm not saying to throw all modern medicine to the wind and just wait for God to heal me. God created some people with these amazing abilities to know how to treat different ailments. He also created people who have designed medications that do great things. I personally believe that God can work through modern medicine to heal. 

Scripture to ponder: Just read Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John in the New Testament! You'll find plenty of examples of Jesus healing people.

5. Look up. This is one I've been learning the hard way lately. This morning I was reading out of Colossians. Colossians 3:2 says "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth". I realized this morning that I haven't been doing this. I've spent more time setting my eyes on Google. 

Scripture to ponder: Colossians 3:2

6. My life is in His hands. God has put me in this place, at this time, with this problem...for a reason. He knows the moment my life began and knows the moment when my life will end. 

Scripture to ponder: 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed"

7. I can rest in Him. My job is simply to be a light for Christ. My job is to be an ambassador of Christ. God's job is everything else. 

Scripture to ponder: Psalm 23. It's one of my favorites! 

The Decade Challenge

Romans 8:28-30 (NASB)
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

This was a passage of scripture that my pastor spoke on yesterday at church. We've been in a series about how God uses our regrets and how our Hindsight is 2020. But something in our notes yesterday also stood out to me. My pastor noted that God uses ALL things - past, present, and future...for His good.

I have been mostly awful about updating this blog. And really, I don't plan on doing a large update per se of the day to day aspects of life. Not in this post at least.

But there's been something on my heart that I feel needs to be written out.

As 2019 ended and 2020 began, there was a bit of excitement for me. You see, come May of 2020, I will be graduating with my masters degree in TESOL (teaching English as a second language). I started this blog back in 2013 as a way to keep many people informed of some events of my life. Specifically, back in 2010, exactly 10 years ago, I felt God calling me to pursue international missions. Now, in 2020...10 years later, the first step of that calling will be complete.

Lately on social media, there has been a trend called the Decade Challenge. This is when a person takes a picture of them from recently and one from ten years ago to show the changes. Ten years ago, I had a flip phone, and absolutely no ability to take a "selfie" (without severely decapitating one or more persons in the photo).

But, my "Decade Challenge" takes on a different form.

For anyone who has not read any of this blog before, let me spend this post recapping this ten year journey for you!


It all started back in 2010. I was a college student, working on my bachelors degree in education with plans to be a teacher in the US. Shortly after beginning my studies, my church began providing the financial funds for two orphanages in northern Thailand. At some point in late 2009, I remember hearing or reading some information about our Thai orphans and about how much they loved to learn! I made a mental comment to myself that I hoped one day that I could teach "those" kids. In early 2010, our church made and announcement that they would be taking a group of people from the church to visit the orphanages. After a semi-nerve-wracking waiting period, I was informed that I would be able to go! In June of 2010, I went on a 5 day trip to Chiang Mai, Thailand. (For more details about that...follow this link to another post I wrote about just that trip: http://bethanysmissions.blogspot.com/2013/06/plan-b-may-now-be-plan-a.html)

Shortly before going on the trip, I was having some issues with being excessively emotional. So, I went on a medication with the hopes of regulating those emotions. Within a few weeks of coming back from this amazing trip, I started becoming even more emotional. Unfortunately, I was struggling with a large bout of depression, caused by that medication. For several months, I struggled to keep my thoughts on right things. But, I generally could snap out of this emotional and depressive funk by thinking about our kiddos that I got to meet in Thailand. During this time, I had several people mention to me about how crazy the personal change was when I was thinking about our kiddos in Thailand and when I was moping in my depressive mind. 

It was actually during this time that I started wondering if I should consider looking into a career shift. I began feeling (even through this depression) that God was calling me to pursue international missions. In September of 2010, I called my mom and told her I thought God was calling me to become a missionary. Her response was rather encouraging. I actually have an email saved where we later discussed this in more detail. Here is an excerpt from that email:

"Huh...I told [my sister], "I bet after Bethany goes to Thailand, she's gonna come home and say she wants to be a missionary."  Keep looking into it, and get tight with God...He'll help you know what he wants you to do."

{EDIT: I also have an email saved from my mom from January 2010, where she was already looking into TESOL options for me. There's a possibility that this decade challenge goes deeper than I even remember. Unfortunately, I don't have many of the email conversations saved to show that.}

In October 2010, I hit rock bottom. And by "rock bottom" I mean I hit an all time low. A low that would affect me and my relationships for many years to come. (I cover part of this event in another post where I share my personal testimony. Follow the link to read that post: http://bethanysmissions.blogspot.com/2015/06/testimony-take-2.html)

At this point, I pretty much thought my chances of being a missionary were done. I had managed to do life so badly, that God couldn't use me anymore. I lost many friends during this time. I also lost my personal identity...many times. I tried to plan my own international trip for the summer of 2011, but even I wasn't convinced that my mental state was at its best.

I graduated from college in December 2011, still feeling like I had somehow let God down. With not many more options available, I took my first teaching job in January 2012. I worked that job for the remainder of the school year.

In August 2012, I was offered a teaching job in Charlotte, North Carolina. Desperate for a fresh start, I eagerly accepted and moved 600 miles away from home in less than two weeks. I made a goal to myself to not mention anything about Thailand or missions. That was in the past as far as I could tell. I began attending a new church that I quickly fell in love with.

Six months later, I ended up resigning from the teaching job that brought me to North Carolina, due to circumstances that I'd rather not go into in this blog. I took a part time retail position at a local consignment shop and continued to look for another teaching position in North Carolina, and had absolutely no luck. The cost of living in Charlotte began to be too much for my part time salary and I began to struggle financially.

In spring of 2013, I remember being at a meeting for the Life Group I had joined at my church home in North Carolina. Each meeting, we would start with prayer requests and praises. On this particular day, my prayer request was for direction in my life. I was having so many financial struggles, I wasn't really sure where to look for a job or what kind of job to look for. I was starting to wonder if moving back to Ohio was a necessary option. While giving this request, I began listing off a long list of possible jobs I could look into in various locations. It was in the midst of this list, that one of the guys from my Life Group randomly piped up and added "Or you could just move to Thailand". I remember being FLOORED. As far as I can remember, Thailand was a distant memory at that point. To this day, I don't really know how that person in my Life Group managed to speak straight into my heart.

But, that experience was one of the first times I started wondering if maybe God wasn't quite done with this calling for me yet.

As I ended up making plans to leave North Carolina (I was quickly running out of money), I decided to look at pursuing a masters degree in TESOL. I took the GRE (and did horribly on the GRE I may add) and applied to several schools.

Six days after moving back to Ohio and into my parents basement, I was offered another teaching job at a different school in Ohio. Shortly after starting that job, I got an acceptance letter from a local university for their masters in TESOL program. Unfortunately, I still hadn't managed to become financially stable, so I had to turn the acceptance down.

Towards the end of that school year, in spring 2014, I was really not happy with the job I was in. I started wondering if maybe I had completely misunderstood God's plans and was never meant to be a teacher. I was already burned out of the profession, and it was only my third year as a teacher. I made a decision that maybe TESOL really WAS God's plan for me. So, in spring of 2014, I contacted that university again, and managed to get re-accepted. I made plans that I would take a two year break off of teaching, pursue this masters degree once and for all, and transition into an ESL position. I was already living with my parents and had very few other monthly payments. (My "temporary" living situation after North Carolina ended up lasting over two years).

The flaw in my plan was what I would do as a job while I pursued this degree. I did NOT want to go back into the classroom. So, I began to look around for a new position. Sadly, as much as teachers tend to be "Jacks of all Trades"...my resume didn't tell the same story. I ended up taking a part time retail job (working off the success I had had with the consignment shop in North Carolina).

For the first semester of grad school, this worked out well. However, right around Christmas, the shop began cutting hours due to low sales and low traffic in the store. By January and February of 2015, I was being scheduled for only 10 hours per week, and normally working much less than that. Even with living in my parents' basement, I was struggling to make even my car payment. I had started taking the first class of the new semester. After only three classes, I ended up dropping out of grad school due to finances in March of 2015. I stayed at the retail store until the summer, when I realized that at the rate I was going, I would be living with my parents until I was 40. The job I was in was a job...not a long term career. I began looking for positions...yet again. At first I was still serious about not returning to teaching. But, after several failed months of finding a non-teaching position...I had no other choices.

Back to the classroom I went!

I took yet another job in August 2015. Over the next two years, I dabbled on and off about attending grad school again. I decided that due to the distance I was from many colleges, and Ohio's wonderful winter weather, maybe an online program would be better. Finding an online program wasn't that easy. Over those two years, I applied to several online gradaute programs. Many of the colleges I was interested in didn't have a TESOL program.

In August 2017, I took yet another new teaching job. (If you're tired of hearing that phrase, think of how tired I was by then of job hopping so much). And again, I began looking into online grad schools again, never really feeling compelled to commit to one.

In March of 2018, I was tired. And I still had no idea if this whole TESOL thing would ever come to fruition.

While sitting at home in March of 2018 during spring break, I was reading a blog post by a friend of mine. Essentially, her post was telling you to not allow your fears to stop you from doing what God has called you to do. "You cannot waist your life if you're following him with your whole heart" she says in this blog. (Read this encouraging blog post by following this link: http://walkfirstlivesecond.com/2658-2/) As I read her post, I instantly thought about this call to missions and all these "failures" I had. However, even when I thought I had messed up God's plan for my life, He continued to call. I hadn't messed it up. I had walked away, believing I was too broken to be of use to God anymore.

I took her post as a kick in the rear end. I quickly found another university...a Christian university...that had an online TESOL program. I got information, then applied, then got accepted. I started my program (again) in May of 2018.

And here we are...in January of 2020. I am five months away from completing this degree. And I have to say, I am quite excited to see where the next portion of this journey will lead.

And that, my friends, is my Decade Challenge.

The Ultimate Renovation

There is something that I have been working on for the last three months or so. And there have been many internal changes that have happened from this. But, as mentioned, the changes are internal. They aren't always able to be seen. So, in this post, I would like to document my journey on something called "The Ultimate Renovation".

First of all - a little ground work. Stick with me, this may not seem to be part of the story, but trust me, it should all make sense in the end! Anyway...this school year (as a teacher) has definitely been one of the most challenging ones I have had my entire career. Like, from week one, it has been challenging. I'll spare all the details. By about October, I was doubting my abilities to stay in this job. I was also doubting my ambitions to remain a teacher much longer. I've had many friends and family praying for God's direction on my life. By November and December, I began applying for the very few jobs I could find posted mid-year. Sadly, nothing worked out. Around Christmas time, I was desperate. But for some reason, no job offers were extended. I sent a friend a text around Christmas time, telling her that my hope for 2019 would be to get into a better job situation. This friend texted back and said something along the lines of that she couldn't promise anything, but she would pray that God would either get me a new job or renovate my current situation. I thought that was an interesting word choice...renovate. A day or two later (maybe a week), I was checking my email and something caught my attention: an email with the word "renovation" in the subject line. The pastor's wife from my church in North Carolina has a blog. However, for the last six months or so, she had been working on writing a Bible study/online course called "The Ultimate Renovation". She wanted to beta test her work before releasing it. So, she was looking for volunteers for a beta testing group. I found the use of the word "renovation" interesting, after my friend's text. So...without any information about what this thing was, I signed up to be part of the beta testing group.

"Ultimate Renovation" is a Bible study/online course designed to work through the Biblical command of renewing our minds. The course has 6 units. At the time I am writing this, we have completed five of those six units. It's called a renovation, as we are using the visual of a home renovation as a metaphor to what will be happening in our minds. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started on this journey. Really, I was hoping to gain some clarity about God's direction career-wise for me. But, as is God's way most of the time - I ended up getting something even greater out of this.

For the rest of this story, I am going to go back to my Past. Present. Future. model of writing this blog.


Past.

I have always been an emotional person. Like, deemed the "cry baby" since elementary school. I still remember one particular day, my older brother REALLY wanted something. So, he said to me "Bethany, start crying and maybe mom will give us what we want!" My emotions didn't work like that, though. I never really knew WHY I was so emotional. Some call it a "tender heart", others call it "sensitivity". Whatever it was, I struggled with it. I didn't always even know why I was emotional. It was weird.

Either late high school or early college years, I continued to be emotional. At some point, I began blaming it on hormones. Makes sense...I'm a girl. It was an easy answer. Once I said it was hormones, no one asked questions about it anymore. Over the next few years, it seemed like my hormones were CRAZY. Like...emotions all over the place! I tried several things to control those hormones...but nothing worked. I got tested for thyroid problems, diabetes, and other physical ailments that could possibly cause this much emotion. Everything came back normal. It just didn't make sense.

In the summer of 2016, I had just finished going through the second or third idea that I had had to control my seemingly uncontrollable hormones. Nothing seemed to work, and I started really wondering what was wrong with me?!?! However, I didn't know it then, but that summer would be the first step that I'd have to take on a very long journey.

It was during that summer of 2016 that I joined a morning Bible study at our church. The book the ladies were studying was called "Becoming Emotionally Whole" by Charles Stanley. I thought it was a bunch of hooey, but I went anyway. In the first chapter of the book, I learned some shocking truths. God CREATED emotions! God created ME! And get this...emotions actually serve a purpose! I still wasn't completely buying it, though. Didn't Mr. Stanley understand the female body? My emotions pretty much took on a personality of their own! There had been times when I had to send apologies to friends for how I had acted post-emotional time! By chapter two of the book, Mr. Stanley reviewed what we had learned in chapter one. Not gonna lie, next to the point about how emotions have a purpose and are good...I wrote in the book "Hahaha...yeah right!" (No joke...though I gave that copy of that book to a friend I no longer talk to).

But I did learn one big thing from that book. "Emotions are a prompting of the Holy Spirit to action". When we are in Christ, our emotions are a way of the Spirit to prompt us to move. That movement could be something simple...like STOP doing that. Or just to say a kind word to someone. Sometimes, the movement is a bit bigger. I haven't had my copy of that book for almost two years, but I still remember that quote.

It was while we were doing this study that I made a discovery. You see, the Spirit started prompting me to think that maybe...just maybe...the reason none of my hormone cures had worked...was because I was trying to solve the wrong problem. Maybe...just maybe...my problems were never hormonally  based at all...and actually were emotionally based.

Through several days and weeks of personal reflection time, prayer, and Bible reading....I came to an alarming discovery. You see, as I was growing up, I had learned something that was not something from God. Growing up, I had several people tell me things and treat me in ways that resulted in me believing that I will never amount to anything. And no, I'm not meaning it in the "Christian" way of not amount to anything if not in Christ. I mean...everything. I'll never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, or talented enough. At every turn, I get bombarded with this same claim. Sounds crazy, considering I have taken dance classes and music lessons my entire life. I'll never have a place in this world. I will always have to prove myself in order to be taken seriously. After hearing it from others for way too long, I started saying it about myself...and believing it.

For many years, I wanted to be noticed. And no matter how hard I tried, I never felt like I was noticed. I remember back in high school, there was one year that my brother and I were both on our high school's newspaper staff. My brother had decided that year to write a humor column for the newspaper. It was great! He had a talent of making people laugh! And as I walked through school, people came up to me all the time and raved about how much they LOVED his column! But...I was also a writer for the newspaper. They never told me that they liked my article. They didn't even mention that they had even read my article. I felt invisible. I remember making a list one day in my notebook during that class. The title at the top of my page said "Ways I Can Get Noticed". Some were things I could ask to get published in the school newspaper. Some were other things that were not associated with school at all.

A few days after making this discovery in 2016, I shared it with a friend. As I told this friend what I had discovered about my past, she asked me "Bethany, how much has this affected your relationship with God?" Yikes! If I felt like I would never amount to anything here on earth and that I needed to do things to get noticed, how in the world could I ever be put to use for His kingdom?? Did God ever notice me? And more importantly, I had associated love with this. Not only would I never amount to anything, who would want to love a screw up like me? I knew the "Christian" answer...I know in my mind that God loves me. But I've had to ask myself several times if I really believe that. On some of my worst days, even recently, I will be on my knees in prayer while sobbing...and claiming to God that I am "damaged goods". I know that there's something good about me somewhere...I just don't know what it is. Mixed in with a lot of emotional baggage...is also a hefty dose of shame. Something else I have had to learn a lot about. Guilt is saying you made a mistake. Shame is saying you ARE a mistake. I've lived with feelings of shame over so many things for many years.

Since that time in 2016, I have been on a personal journey. A journey to heal those thoughts from my past. No matter how they were inflicted, there are numerous emotional wounds in my heart of a girl wanting to be noticed and wanting to find her purpose in God's plans. A journey to heal from the emotional wounds I had been collecting from who knows when...and FINALLY step out as a new creation. Although it may seem like I have many things to celebrate - a bachelor's degree, a job, working on a master's degree, talents, skills, and starting Cardio Worship - I still find myself struggling to see my role in His kingdom. 

And for the record, I have have been seeing a counselor for the past two years about this.


Present.

In January of 2019 (this year), I began this thing called the "Ultimate Renovation". When we talk about renewing our minds. I was thinking the "churchy" answer...spending those precious few moments each morning doing devotions and praying. But...what I was going to learn...is that renewing our minds is so much more than just what I do at 5 a.m. (or 9 a.m....or the occasional 3 p.m....time management is not my forte).

Much like renovating a home...we can do cosmetic changes. In a house, you can paint walls and put artwork up for a "quick fix". But, for bigger projects, you have to dig a bit deeper.

The first unit of this renovation was simply setting the stage for what we would be doing. Think of it as the blueprint. Or...more like the 3D model you can see online. No big deal. I was ready to see where this went.

The second unit, was on our "foundation". And more than anything, making sure our "foundation" is rooted in Christ. At this point in the renovation...I felt pretty accomplished. Yep, I'm a Christian. Yep, I serve at church. It was during this unit, though, that I started really thinking about what I think about. Where is my foundation? What am I setting my mind on?

My first encounter with thinking about what I think about happened in late January. For the last year or so, I have been volunteering on our church's worship band playing the keyboard. Our worship leader is a sweet kid that I used to babysit back when I was in college (actually, I babysat him and his six younger sisters...yes...7 kids). I haven't taken a piano lesson since my sophomore year of high school (so roughly about 14 years). However, he approached me and asked if I'd like to play...I said yes. I've learned a lot in just over a year and revived some of my old knowledge about music. And really, playing each week that I'm scheduled to play is something I look forward to. In late January, I had a short little texting conversation with our worship leader. It was a sweet conversation and left me very happy inside (so happy...that after that conversation, I walked into Hobby Lobby to look for some artwork to put on my walls at my apartment...and walked out with all music-themed artwork). It was wonderful.

But, the very next day, without any warning, my emotions...and thoughts went the other way. Out of nowhere, my thoughts started going sour. I'm the worst pianist at our church. Why does he keep scheduling me when I suck so badly?

But here's the crazy thing. Midway through that thought process...I stopped. In my conversation with our worship leader the day before...NONE of that was said. Not even remotely alluded to. And really, the only place that thought was coming from...was from me. This was NOT a thought coming from God. I'm happy to say, I was able to stop that thought, turn it around, and remind myself that worship isn't about playing all the right notes (though, as a musician, that's still a good thing to do). It's about offering back to God what He's given us. For me, that was a HUGE step.

Unit three is where things started getting more interesting. Unit three of our "Ultimate Renovation" was about our brain's wiring. Dr. Caroline Leaf is a great author (and Christian) who has done numerous studies on thoughts and our brains. Dr. Leaf talks about (in a very loose paraphrase) how brain scans have shown that repeated trauma and repeated behavior actually physically changes the makeup of our brains. It is possible, in fact, to "change your brain". During this unit, we went through some applications on how to do this. One is called the "Reversi Reframe". Basically, you take a bad thought and write it down on a notecard. Then, on the back side, you write the same thought...but in a positive form. The trick in this exercise, though, is that your reverse of the thought isn't to plan out HOW it will be done (because sometimes that's not in our abilities). Simply, we are replacing it with a better thought. We are opening up hope to come in and change the circumstance

A week or so after learning about this and how our brains are wired, I got to practice this in real life. Like I mentioned before, this year (as a teacher) has been really hard. I have several very challenging kids. One child has been more challenging than most of the others. I've been cursed at by this child...sometimes on a daily basis. This child says things about me, yells right in my face, and treats me horribly. And this child does it to other students as well. All those hurt little places in my heart, believing that I'm a failure...seem to get a daily reminder from this child about how true that must be. "Teaching 101" says to not let it affect me. That's a lot easier said than done.

So in February, the child's parent was finally called in for a meeting. Let's just say it didn't go very well. When the parent left, I was left feeling horrible. I couldn't even pull myself up to leave work. I was sobbing. I'm an awful teacher. But then remembered this reframe idea. After a few botched attempts...my front side of my card read "This is a rough year and I am struggling to finish this school year" . The reverse side said "I will finish this difficult year, and I will not give up on my students." The how for that comes later. And I'm happy to say...we have 8 weeks left!

Unit four was themed on plumbing and water source. Ultimately, looking at the book of John, we have to remember that Jesus is the "living water". Any other water is going to leave us thirsting again. But, only He can satisfy. The main take away from this unit is that we need to have our "water source" only in him. This comes through Salvation, baptism, and daily worship (hint...it's not a Sunday-only thing!).

Unit five (our current unit) is on demolishing walls. And really, this comes down to forgiveness. I can't go too much into detail on this one, as I am still working through some things with this. All I can say is that there are MANY walls in my life that need to come down. Forgiveness towards others. Even forgiveness towards myself in several ways. I'll hopefully update this later with more about how I've demolished walls. The walls that shame has helped put up have been my biggest challenges lately.


Future.
So what does all this mean for my future? A couple things, really. It really all boils down to a few different things.

1. This "renovation" is really a journey. I realized back in 2016 that healing from my past was not going to be something that would happen overnight. It's a journey. Not a destination.

2. Worship is crucial. As I've been going through this journey, there is something that I have already learned. Much of what I have come to understand about renewing my mind resides in what I am spending my time on. I have felt challenged with this "renovation" to take a look at how I spend my days and weeks. Like I mentioned above, worship is not just a Sunday-only thing. However, I want everything that I participate in (or at least close to it) to give me the same feeling that I get when I'm playing the keyboard at church on a Sunday morning - the feeling that my talent is useful, that I'm glorifying God with what I have, and that I'm giving Him back something. THAT is what worship is.

3. I read a quote in a book a few weeks ago. It said (roughly) that "God didn't MAKE me go through this. God LET me go through this...so that He could be glorified". As I continue on this journey, I have become content knowing that I can use this journey as a way to point others towards God and His healing power. Sharing my story and how He has worked through me is a way for me to show His power. And isn't that the greatest future to have?

It's Been WAY Too Long

Dear Friends,

I don't even know how to begin this blog. It has been over a year since the last time I have written a blog. But, the Lord is good, and has blessed me in so many ways! Here's a bit of a recap of some of the things that have happened in the last year plus. I will go back to my "Past, Present, Future" model - emphasis on the PAST section!

Past:

My last post was in July of 2017. Sometime right around that time, I changed jobs. For anyone who has read my blog, I have been on a journey of my own. A journey to following a directive that God set on my heart back in 2010. A plan/hope/dream to eventually begin doing international missions work. For more information on this, please see some older posts about my testimony and missions story. What I loved about this new teaching position, however, was that the school has a focus on international education. Like, my kids take Arabic classes as a foreign language and we provide ESL support. When I was interviewed for my job, the interview ended up lasting over an hour, as the principal and I sat chatting about how the year before, the school had housed 24 Syrian refugee children. My missionary heart was so happy as I accepted that position. Who knew that there was a place for my missionary heart in Toledo, Ohio?

And then a setback happened. A very close friendship, one that has been mentioned in this blog several times, fractured abruptly. I do not want to go into great detail about this very much. Setbacks happen. But here's what I do want you, my reader, to understand. The friendship fractured. I say this because I believe in a God of second chances and a God that is in the business of RESTORING. Did it hurt? Yep. Did I cry? Yep. But here's what I learned through that setback: fractures can heal. And hearts can heal. I had a friendship back in college that fractured - for 6 years. And then the miraculous happened - the relationship healed and we restored our friendship! I saw Him do it with that relationship, and I know that He is capable of doing it again! I pray for this sweet girl as often as I can. When I want to be angry at her, I pray for her. When I miss her friendship, I pray for her. I've had to go through much personal soul searching, seek forgiveness, and I have worked to forgive her in my heart. It has been a long hard process. But God is in control. I may not know all the details surrounding this setback. But from my personal devotion time, I have learned to continue to pray for her. And then leave it all in God's hands. I am trusting God that He sees all things and is complete control of both of our lives, no matter where we are.

There is a lot more detail about this particular situation that is not being shared here. Please don't judge from the short summary I have provided.

A few weeks later, another major change happened! I was originally hired by my school to teach just 6th grade. Four weeks into the school year last year, we ended up finding out our principal had quit (we got a new one in October 2017), and due to some staffing issues, we had to do some major reorganizing. I went from teaching 12 sixth graders, to being the fourth grade homeroom teacher and partly responsible for 41 students in grades 4-6. I also teamed up and team taught with another teacher. I became responsible for teaching math for grades 4-6, as well as fourth grade science and social studies. Sound like a confusing job description? Welcome to the rest of my school year last year!

In November 2018, we welcomed a new blessing into our family. I am now the proud "Aunt Bobby" to my 10 year old niece and my now almost one year old nephew!! Being an aunt is so fun!

In December 2018, after nearly 2 years of making an 84 mile round-trip commute for work, I decided it was time to look at being a bit closer. I moved from my apartment for the last two years...into a new apartment...which is now a mere 9 miles away from work. Moving also meant stepping down from Cardio Worship in Fremont - and stepping into the unknown of any possibility of ever teaching Cardio Worship again. Since I was now further away from Fremont, I also moved my church membership from my home church in Fremont to their campus church in Northwood, Ohio. Since coming to the church in January, I have been blessed with being able to serve on the music ministry (playing keyboard - after taking a 12-ish year break from playing piano), the coffee ministry, and our Young Adult ministry.

In March 2018, I went to a workout class for the first time in like 3 months. While at that workout class, I got talking to the instructor. We ended up realizing that we had similar hopes and dreams of creating something like Cardio Worship in Toledo. Two months later, she sent me a text randomly. Some things had changed with her workout class and she asked if I was still interested in creating a Christian dance fitness class. In July 2018, we launched Cardio Worship Toledo!

In April 2018, after reading a blog by a dear friend about finally following those promptings that we keep putting off (when we're married, when we have more money, when life slows down, when we are less stressed, when we are older...whatever the excuse my be) and just DOING them - I decided I needed to do just that. I reapplied to go to graduate school. I am now taking classes online to finish that masters degree in TESOL (teaching English as a second language) that I began a few years ago.

In July 2018, after realizing I was in some major financial trouble, I took on a small part time job teaching ESL classes online. I thought it would be great because I'd be able to make some extra money while also gaining experience for what I was getting my masters in. There is more detail than I care to put in this post, but let's just say lesson learned: that was a bad idea! The job was not what I thought it would be. After a couple months of frustrations with their online platform, exhaustion from not budgeting my time well, and only making about half the amount of money I thought I would make...I resigned from that job. This weekend was my first weekend NOT working for that job and it was GLORIOUS!

In August 2018, I got to go on a short missions trip to Columbus, Ohio. I ended up winning a free registration for this trip by filling out a survey and being entered into a drawing through the missions organization associated with my church. The registration included a free hotel stay and all meals for the weekend provided. This missions trip was to be educational and open our hearts and minds to the Muslim population. At my school, I work alongside a few Muslim women and have become very interested in understanding their beliefs and practices. I don't know what God may do with my experiences in Columbus. But I believe that there was a reason I was able to win that registration and go on that trip free of charge. I will share more about that trip in future blog posts.

In August 2018, I began my second year at my current school. This year has been very challenging. Not by my complete choice, I am again teaching more than one grade level. I am the proud teacher of 29 students in grades 5 and 6. It has been challenging, but I know that the God that brought me to this, will also bring me through this!

Present:

So, where am I now? And where am I in the grand scheme of things relating to missions? Well, I am still teaching. That on its own is a mission field! There have been many times when I want to complain about teaching multiple grades. However, I have tried to remind myself that this may just be preparation for a future mission. Who knows...God may be preparing me to serve in a country where multiple grades are served in one classroom. But until then, Toledo, Ohio is my mission field. I am also back to teaching several Cardio Worship classes per week. It seems like each week, God opens up a few more doors to help get our name out across Toledo. And, I am currently taking my graduate classes. I should be able to graduate with my masters degree in TESOL in spring of 2020!

Let's be honest about something. God is working on something HUGE in me. Maybe this time I am in now is a time of growth and of learning. Watch out, people. He's going to do something HUGE...and I get to be a part of it!

Future:

In all the times I have posted on this particular blog, I believe that this particular blog has more obvious implications for the "future" part than I've ever had before. I am so excited to see where God brings me, what souls He brings into my life to work in, and what areas He may bless in future days.

For any of you willing to pray, here is what we can be praying for:
-Grad school...it's expensive! Pray for financial answers and wisdom from me to use my money wisely.
-Work...pray for the necessary help to come about to relieve my work load. Pray for the kids I get to teach each day.
-Cardio Worship...pray for the ministries in both Fremont and Toledo.
-Future plans...pray for God's wisdom on where in the world He may choose to send me. And that I'll be smart enough to hear that call and answer it.

Teach Me Thy Ways

"Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies."
Psalm 27:11 (KJV)

One of the hardest things to accomplish as a teacher, is to get a student to take their understanding of a concept to a new level. In the past 20+ years, education has greatly shifted. Standardized testing is getting more rigorous as those in power of the education system try to find ways to assess a student's progress.

When I was going to college, I remember learning about a concept called Bloom's Revised Taxonomy. (Sometimes referred to as "Blooms" for short). Not gonna lie, when I first heard about it...I thought it was something I'd missed in science class about plants. Mr. Bloom created a system to describe higher levels of thinking in education. In order it goes:

Remembering
Understanding
Applying
Analyzing
Evaluating
Creating

The thought behind Blooms, is that this is a progression of levels that a person can work to achieve. Put into some form of context, most any of us can remember things (if you struggle with this, I'd recommend making an appointment with a doctor in the near future...). Remembering is a simple skill. What is her name? What color is that? Next, you have understanding. Now that you remember something, then you work to understand it. As one source I briefly looked up said, when you understand, you can "state a problem in one's own words". So you can figure out that something's wrong. Next, we go to applying. This is when it gets harder. According to my resource, this is the level when a person can "use a concept in a new situation" or "applies what was learned in the classroom into novel situations in the work place". This means that a student can now begin to own the concept and apply it in simple forms someplace else. Next, we have analyzing. As the concept becomes more understandable, students will be able to "distinguish between facts and inferences" or "separate material or concepts into component parts so that its organizational structure may be understood". At this level, a student is able to analyze (break down or separate) information. From there, we go to evaluating. This is when a student can "make judgments about the value of ideas or materials". The highest level of Blooms is creating. Unlike applying, this level is the highest level of thinking. From my resource, this is when a student can "put parts together to form a whole, with emphasis on creating a new meaning or structure".

Let me put this into context for a minute. Take a simple reading comprehension question for example. At the remembering level, a student would be able to simply restate basic information such as the character's name. Simple, easy...because all of the information was given to them. If we take our comprehension to the understanding level, now a student is able to see that there may be a problem. Who stole the cookie?

Many students are able to get through remembering and understanding. But the challenge as a teacher is to encourage students to go higher than that. In a way, we want students to "own" their learning so that they may eventually be able to CREATE something.

Let me put this in a different way. Every teacher has classroom rules. It's part of our classroom management plan. Rules are most effective when they are posted in the classroom somewhere. Simple. No need to even worry about the remembering stage...it's on a poster! Understanding the rules takes a bit more from some students. This is where the first week or two of school comes in handy. This is the time when I teacher should be modeling how this looks so a student understands. In my classroom, my first and highest rule is to raise your hand and not shout out. Reading the rule on the poster is one thing. Seeing it modeled...easy. But what does any authority figure want you to do with rules?? APPLY them!! Rules don't do much until we learn to apply those rules. We could go through the other levels of Blooms talking about rules in a classroom, but I think you get the picture.

I've come to learn in the last few weeks and months...that the same is true of how God teaches us.

In the last few months, something that God has been teaching me a lot about is idols. For so long, there has been something that I have allowed to become an idol in my life. Actually, let me rephrase that. There is someONE who I have allowed to become an idol in my life. Don't get all upset. This person never asked to be an idol. It's not their fault. It's mine. And quite frankly, I never intended for it to get to be that way. A friendship began, I wanted to love on them and share so much of life with them, and ever so slightly, I began seeking them more than I was seeking God.

Idols aren't just figurines that you bow down to. It's anything that takes a higher place in our life and in our hearts than God. Many times what becomes an idol IS a good thing. Alcohol...there are many mentions of it in the Bible. But when a person turns to the bottle as a way to solve their problems instead of turning to God...it's an idol. Worry...sure, the world can be a scary place. But when you spend more time fretting over EVERY single thing instead of taking those to God...it's an idol...you're worshiping your worry. Success...sure, it's wonderful to be successful...God works crazy blessings out just for that purpose. BUT...if you're constantly trying to chase the next success...the perfect house, the perfect significant other, the perfect job....but not thanking God for those successes...it's probably an idol...it's like you want people to bow down and ask for the secrets to your success.

I realized I had been struggling with this idol, and wanted to do something about it. So...I decided to spend more time with God (or...at least that's what I thought I was doing). I read...pretty much anything I could get my hands on. I think at one point I had started about 6 books and Bible studies...all to different levels of completion. Sometimes I'd sit still and pray. But mostly I read. Don't get me wrong...all the studies I was in had some Biblical truth to it. But I wasn't necessarily going to the Bible.

I was doing a great job with remembering and understanding. I could recall all sorts of great information. However, the idol still remained in at least some form.

For weeks, I've been struggling with understanding how to deal with this idol. How do I free myself from an idol...even if it's a person that didn't necessarily ask to be an idol? Was there a way to be free the idolship...yet still be able to keep the friendship? This is what I worked on for the last few weeks to understand.

Today during church, the pastor was actually talking about idols. I was listening intently as he seemed to perfectly explain all the thoughts and emotions I had gone through for the last few weeks. And then he got to a part where he rhetorically asked the question "how can we be free?" I waited on the edge of my seat. But I never heard the answer. After a couple more verses that didn't seem to answer the question and a specific time during the sermon to lead the entire congregation into a salvation prayer for any wanting to take the invitation...the sermon ended.

I tried to ask a couple friends. Even actually sent an email to the church, asking the pastor to give me more information. But I was so curious about what the answer to this was. How do we get rid of idols in our lives? Obviously, God really hates them. They've been a problem for a long time. But how do we get rid of them?

I don't know where it eventually came from...but eventually...it made sense. I've been looking for an answer that I could REMEMBER...maybe even one I could UNDERSTAND. But...the way to get idols out of our lives...is to APPLY what we learn. I was looking for a simple "to do". Something simple that was a "to do" that would remove this idol. But I couldn't find it. There was no magical prayer, simple answer, or simple apology that would change anything. It's not a thing to do or a thing to say. I have to apply. Every. Single. Day.

It's one thing to remember that you have an idol and to understand where it comes from or how it got there. But true removal of an idol takes APPLICATION.

For me...it means this. It's not going to be a simple "to do" list of words to say or a list of rules to follow. There's not really a quick "5-Step Manual for Removing Idols". In order to put God back where He belongs in my life, it means constantly being alert and making decisions for my life that ultimately lead to worshiping Him.

I can sit in my room and read as many Bible studies and other pieces of literature that my heart wants. But a Christian's walk is just that...it's a walk. It's a journey. It's going from the remembering and understanding levels...and going to the applying level. Don't just READ your Bible...LIVE your Bible. Don't just read ABOUT what God's done. APPLY those same things into your life.

I was stuck in my thinking about idols. We get the choice every minute of every day to choose to follow God, or choose to follow something else. It's simple to think in simple-ish terms. Morning: will I spend time with God...or push the snooze button until I have to leave? Breakfast: will I eat these healthy scrambled eggs...or lose to my sweet tooth and eat a piece of cake? Entertainment: do I sit here and watch Netflix like I have for the last week...or do I go out and do something for someone else? Writing each of these here seems so silly. Like...really? Someone actually may struggle with making any of these things become an idol? But it happens!! And as a song by Jeremy Camp states..."It's a slow fade". It's a slippery slope.

I don't know yet exactly what this whole "applying" thing looks like. Probably means spending more time with others, giving some of my time and energy helping someone else. I can't give you a simple "to do" list. It's more than just telling someone to "help someone in need". But that's the point. It's going to look different for every person. The examples I listed above are a very simplistic version of choices we get to make each day. Maybe for some people, the meal choices are more along the lines of...eat this meal to give me fuel...or skip this meal because I don't want to gain weight.

There is no simple answer for removing idols. Removing idols takes us to higher levels of thinking...we have to apply. People can give you all the "to do" lists they want. (Generally, this is known as "advice"). But then you have to take those ''to do" lists...that advice...and weigh it. Is it ultimately going to worship God...or something or someone else?

In order to move on with your relationship with God...to grow closer to Him...you have to move from just remembering and understanding what's in the Bible...and actually work to apply it. Don't just be a great rule-follower. If God wanted us to be great rule-followers, the entire Bible would be one page long and would just be the 10 Commandments.

The Story of Cardio Worship

I've been avoiding writing this. And I'm not really sure why. Because, really, it's quite an amazing story to tell! Oddly, this story is actually two stories woven into one. There is a post on this blog titled "For Good" in which I tell about a sweet friend that God brought into my life at the end of last summer. But, unknowingly to me, God needed that sweet friend to be in my life for a far greater purpose.

Here goes the tale...

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I've danced most of my life. Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I took a large slew of dance classes. Dance has been my passion. Dance has been my go-to to get me through things. So when I don't have dance, I tend to not know what to do with myself.

When I got into college, dance wasn't as easy to come by. Sure, I was on the dance team for 2 different years. But when my junior year came by, due to some circumstances stemming from my sophomore year, I was cut from the dance team my junior year. I tried to let other things take the place of dance. My junior year of college, I lived in an all-girls dorm that also had a "great hall" attached to it (big open space with a wood floor). Occasionally, I'd take myself, a pair of dance shoes (I was always prepared with ballet slippers and jazz shoes...and a pair of tap shoes, if I'd need them), and some form of music-playing device...and make my way down to that big open room and dance around. There was one point in my college career, when I thought God was calling me into the international missions field, that I thought I'd need to raise some money. So, I was attempting to put together a dance benefit for missions. The only issue with my idea was that I didn't know anyone else who would perform....so I was looking at being a one-girl show. It was a fun idea, but unrealistic. Sure, most of the girls in my sorority claimed to love "dance"...but some of them meant more along the lines as the "dance" they would do after a little too much alcohol...and preferably using a pole to dance around and on. It was always hard for me to find a way to express myself when I didn't have dance.

I've mentioned in other areas of this blog about some of my struggles towards the end of my college career. Along with those struggles, anxieties, and even some depression, food and I were either best friends or worse enemies. I prided myself with NOT gaining the "freshman fifteen" my freshman year. However, by the end of my college career, I'd gained what I'll call the "senior seventeen"...plus interest. A lack of regular workout mixed with ongoing anxiety and hormonal issues created for a few increases in weight. My senior year of college, I'd tried to get a friend to join me in finding a regular fitness outlet...but her schedule was too busy to accommodate that and my wallet was too empty to purchase all the DVD workouts I wanted to get to try to do!

By the time I moved home after my fourth year on campus (I still had one more semester to go for student teaching), I was in need of a fitness outlet. A friend from church had been telling me about how her mom taught Zumba classes at the YMCA in the same town my church was in. After a little more prodding, I finally decided to check out the Zumba class. I enjoyed it. It wasn't the same as my dance classes I had taken. However, a few months prior to taking my first Zumba class, I had gone back to my dance studio to take a couple classes over the winter break. Between tendonitis in at least one knee and not dancing regularly for a while...my body was in so much pain after that class. A couple weeks later, when I left to go back to college...my body was still aching from that dance class. I had somewhat decided at that point that going back to dance classes wasn't really much of an option for me anymore. So, Zumba seemed to be a decent alternative.

I took Zumba through the summer. However, a few weeks into my student teaching semester, I was starting to get too overwhelmed with the demands of my student teaching along with the part-time job I'd gotten. I ended up giving up Zumba for the rest of the semester until after student teaching ended. I remember going back to my Zumba class the first time after student teaching ended. I wasn't sure if any of the people in my class would remember me...or even notice that I had left. While sitting in the lobby of the YMCA, a couple of the ladies from my class asked where I had been. Before heading in to the room for class, I still remember one of the ladies telling me "well I can tell you that you were definitely missed!" Maybe to some that was a simple comment...but it meant a TON to me. I realized in the next couple weeks that I could combine my love for teaching and my love for dance...and opted to become a Zumba instructor a couple months later at an instructor training that would take place at the same YMCA.

I began teaching Zumba in March 2012 with high hopes. But, things didn't really work out the way I thought they would. In August 2012, I moved to North Carolina and in August 2013, I moved back to Ohio. I wasn't able to do much with my Zumba training while in North Carolina. After getting back to Ohio, I went back to the same YMCA, but Zumba had taken a toll over the past year and wasn't gaining as many people as it had been a  year ago. I started getting frustrated that I had been an instructor for over a year and had never taught my own class. I was regularly teaching 2-3 songs during the Zumba class...but I had a playlist of 10 songs. Those 2-3 barely scratched the surface. I started looking at other places and eventually landed a Zumba job in the same town as my college alma mater.

I could spend a decent amount of time on this blog depicting the next 2 years teaching Zumba. But...that's not the point. After 2-3 years of being an instructor and not having my own class, I finally got my own class...but I had started to become burned out. I'd been using a lot of the same music and choreography for those 2-3 years. Since I hadn't really taught my own class, I didn't see a reason to change things that much. As I started teaching my new class, I made the shocking discovery that my participants were "average". All of a sudden my 13+ years of dance training seemed to make me almost a little too over-qualified to teach. As time went on, I started not really liking a lot of the Zumba music and the choreography seemed too hard. The choreography was fine for me (the girl with years of dance training) but wasn't "fitness for all" for my "average" people in my class. I had to spend a lot of time that I didn't always have modifying choreography to make it easier...then having to deal with not-so-great reviews of my class because apparently now the songs weren't "Zumba-ish".

And then my sweet friend walked (or actually danced) into my life. As our friendship grew, it became easier and easier to talk to her about dance. I even remember a couple times talking to her, using a dance analogy to get my point across...and she understood exactly what I meant. But the thing is, our friendship wasn't just based on our love for dance, but also on our love for Jesus. (Please see the blog post "For Good" for more of the story on her...).

Throughout my new-found excitement with my new friends that I'd been getting to spend some time with, my friends breathed Jesus in to me every day. No matter if it was a Bible study or a verse they posted on Facebook, a message on a group page on Facebook, a text message to one or multiple friends...this group of friends daily lived and breathed Jesus. When they posted songs on Facebook, it wasn't the newest song on the secular station...but something from church or on the Christian station that had been touching their hearts. This started having an impact on me.

I started choreographing more songs for Zumba. Only this time I was using Christian songs. I loved it. My participants loved it. But there was a problem. Zumba has a rule that in order to have a legit Zumba class, you have to follow a 70/30 format...70% of the choreography and music had to be Zumba-released...the other 30% could be what you want. I was already way past that 30% mark. I tended to be more of a 50/50 girl myself. I'd had some complaints come in about my Zumba class that it wasn't "really Zumba" or that it was "too easy" or "too dance-y".

Sometime during the summer or fall, I got this great idea. I had been teaching Zumba now for a couple years and had used a fair amount of Christian music in my 70/30 or 50/50 models. How about if I took all my Christian music and put it in a playlist? I was making a silent bet with myself that I could probably have close to a full hour-long workout using the music I already had. At this point, I was only thinking this would be a fun thing for me to get my groove back and get my heart back in love with Zumba. So one night, I went through all my old Zumba playlists and put all the Christian songs in a playlist. It was like 40 minutes long. More than half-way to a full workout. Over the next couple weeks, as a joke to myself, I started tossing the idea around of what would happen if I started teaching a class like that.

What I didn't realize at the time, was that what I thought was just a quick idea being tossed around, was actually God starting to work something out in me.

By the end of the summer and heading into the beginning of the fall, I was trying to figure out what to do with my Zumba class. I knew my heart wasn't really in it that much. I wanted to re-brand what I already had into my own Christian version. But...I'd been hired to teach Zumba. I wasn't sure if I re-branded, if the same people would even come to my class. Were they there because of the name Zumba? Or were they there because they liked me? Where I REALLY wanted to see something happen was at church.

I don't remember exactly when this started happening...because it started out slow at first. But I started tossing around the idea last fall about starting a Christian dance fitness ministry at my church. In the 16+ years I'd been going to this church, I've never known them to be too fond of any form of dance in the church. I was almost positive that nothing like this would ever happen...but I continued to dream anyway (as away to combat depression and anxiety...I try to re-direct my thinking by dreaming some big dreams). I looked up more choreography, and found a company through YouTube. I'd actually used this company's choreography before during my Zumba class...but I hadn't noticed that they also offered instructor trainings...or that one of their trainings was coming to Columbus in March. As I did more research about this company, I discovered that they claimed to be a "faith-infused" alternative to Zumba or other cardio dance fitness classes. I was intrigued. I remember when I went to my Zumba training, it was all about how to teach Zumba, how to incorporate the Latin moves yet keep it fitness. But I was interested to consider going through their training to see what they could offer me.

In September or October, I remember randomly telling my sweet friend about this idea. She loved it and thought it was an amazing idea. "Great"...I thought to myself..."she didn't think it was a horrible idea". I had even started coming up with a name for the idea...Cardio Worship.That name just seemed to incorporate exactly what I was going for. A cardio workout class...that was both an expression of worship, as well as using Christian and worship music.

Still not 100% positive that this would ever happen, I wanted more feedback. So, I took to the biggest platform I could think of. I started recording myself doing routines (after doing a full hour of Zumba) and posting the videos on Facebook. The first video I posted with a lengthy disclaimer about how tired I was from Zumba, all the flaws I saw in the video, and a basic thought of the idea to start a ministry. The feedback was amazing. People loved it. People wondered why our church didn't have anything like this available.

And then something even crazier happened. A woman from my church messaged me on Facebook. She loved what she saw and had felt God compelling her to work with me to start this ministry. Not gonna lie...I wasn't completely on board. In my mind, this idea was still destined to fail miserably. It sounds great on paper and looks great on a Facebook video (my alternative to getting this ministry started at my church was going to be to find a way to gain Mandisa's attention and see about turning it into a DVD workout series). But actually having the church go through with it...seemed doubtful. Now I was beginning to get a small army of people that I'd be disappointing when it didn't work out...which I was pretty sure was going to happen.

I started enjoying working on this idea so much, and felt so compelled that Zumba was no longer in my future...at the end of October, I emailed my boss at the Y I taught Zumba at and said I wouldn't be teaching Zumba anymore come January. Why was January so important? Well...in the 16+ years we've been attending our church, we have watched this church grow from 400-500 people when we first got there...to the bustling church of nearly 2000 weekly attendees! We have also watched the church building itself physically expand at least 3 times. The newest expansion was a new student center...complete with a full gym, classrooms, bathrooms, and a built in sound system. When they broke ground on the new building, the timeline was placed that it would be complete in January. My grand plan was to end Zumba in December, and then switch gears to something more God-honoring in January.

In mid-November, I went to visit my sweet friend out of state. I don't remember how much I'd told her about Cardio Worship at this point. We enjoyed a trip to a chocolate festival together and then arranged to go to church together on Sunday. She lived about 3 hours away from where we met...I was more like 600 miles away...neither of us had been to the church before that we visited. After the church service, before we even got out of the building, my sweet friend turned to me and told me that she heard something in that sermon message that made her think of my dance fitness ministry. A few days later, after asking her through to text me what she heard...she sent me this quoted message via text:

"Don't get caught up in the mechanics of how you are serving, but rather embrace and feel the joy there is in serving God and worshiping Him."

At the time...I was confused. That quote seemed a little out of place. I mean...I was just working on an idea here!

Shortly either before or after my visit with my sweet friend, I decided to put this idea to rest once and for all. Using some comments and suggestions from the woman from my church who wanted to help out...I emailed the women's ministry director at my church and asked if such a ministry was even something that the church would ever even consider. At the beginning of December...I got my answer (the women's ministry director had to talk to one of the pastors on leadership at the church). "Not yet." It actually took a couple people pointing out to me that I had not been given an absolute answer of "NO". The answer I got was more of an indication that it just wasn't the right timing. You see...that January completion date for the new student center building? Thanks to Ohio's weather...they were a couple months off on their estimate. The building didn't get completed until March.

But...as God works in all ways...as I look back on this story, I think there was another personal reason for that answer of not yet.

In a previous post on this blog, I have posted an updated version of my personal Christian testimony. I had always struggled each month with my hormones, and at the beginning of my senior year of college, I went on birth control as a way to hopefully relieve some of those issues and find some balance of my emotions. Unfortunately, the birth control caused me to go into a great state of anxiety and depression, hitting an all-time horrific low in October of my senior year, when Satan began whispering thoughts into my mind that maybe my life wasn't worth living. In a not-so-fun-to-recall event in my life (I was reported to the dean of students at my college and sent home for 4 days)...I was forced to come to terms that the birth control wasn't working, and I was actually doing worse than when I had started. Although it had been 5 years since that time...I still struggled with my hormones.

A few weeks before my weekend trip to visit my sweet friend, I sent her a panicked text message on a Tuesday night. I had been hired at the end of the summer as a teacher at a school for the school year, but I had been offered the job as I was there for the interview. In one day, I went to an interview, got offered a full time teaching job, and put my 2 weeks notice in to my part-time retail position I'd been working. For the next 2 weeks, I worked 12-hour days between my retail job and doing orientation and beginning of the year prep stuff for a school year of teaching. By the time I got to the end of the first quarter of school, I felt like I was running a marathon and was falling dangerously behind. On top of it, my hormones were at an all-time high. I was finding it hard to get through the day...even while at work...without feeling like a crying break down would be in my future. On that Tuesday night, I sent her a text telling her I wasn't sure how or if I would manage to survive the rest of that week. I think she fell asleep during that text. But the next morning at 6 a.m. she started texting me.

You see, I never really solved the issue of my hormones. After birth control didn't work out...I just went back to doing nothing. And that wasn't doing much good for me either. Every month for the last 5 years, I went through crazy hormonal issues with no answers in sight. When the symptoms subsided, I would take a breath of fresh air...before remembering that the same thing would happen again in another month. As my sweet friend pointed out to me...I was only really living half of my life. The other half was spent dealing with anxiety attacks and depression that I couldn't seem to solve. After that conversation...after our weekend get away...and after I had a chance to talk to someone else from my church to look into some alternative options to get my hormones back in check, I went to see a nutritionist and began a regime of supplements in December...about a week before Christmas. The same day I went to the nutritionist for my first appointment, I had been looking to move out of my parents' house...and found and applied for an amazing apartment in the same town as my church.

Before finishing this tale...I did want to mention that normally I wouldn't have wanted to include that whole story of depression, hormones, and all of that stuff that happened. But I feel like there's a great message in there. You see, as Christians...and even as a population in general, sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first before we can help take care of others (think about what they say on airplanes before take off...when a drop in cabin pressure happens, you are to put on your oxygen mask first before helping those around you). Serving others is an outward display of what is going on in our hearts. When Christians serve, it's because they are sharing something that God has blessed them with, no matter if it's a skill, a resource, or just a simple smile. Before I could work to share my heart for ministry, dance, and fitness...I had to take care of some issues in me first. That "not yet" answer from the church? As much as it was an answer because of a physical problem (the building wasn't ready yet), I believe it was also an answer that God had to work on a few things in ME first. I remember hearing a statement that God doesn't call the equipped...He equips the called.

So...back to the story.

After settling in to my apartment, getting back into taking my supplements regularly, and now NOT teaching Zumba...I realized I was missing something. In February, I knew that I was spending a lot of time eating junk food and watching Netflix. The supplements had helped me lose 5 pounds in the first couple weeks. But I wasn't actively exercising. There weren't many fitness options at the YMCA that is literally around the corner from my apartment. It was too cold outside to play our beloved game of Fishball. I wanted to get back into some kind of fitness. So...I started looking at some of the plans I had started for Cardio Worship and the upcoming instructor training in Columbus in March. As a means to influence myself to fill out my taxes, I filed my tax return in February, praying that my return would be enough to finance the instructor training. It was. So in February, I re-posted one of my first videos about Cardio Worship on Facebook, excited to announce that I'd be going to that instructor training.

My sweet friend was back on board. The woman from church started messaging me again...wanting to get together with me to talk details about the dreams and ideas of this ministry. I still wasn't 100% convinced anything would come out of this. But...I HAD waited...and the building was mostly close to completion.

In March, the woman from church approached the church about starting Cardio Worship. We waited. And waited. And waited. And we prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I was on fire to get something like this started! Just to be on the safe side...I started getting a lot of choreography ideas together (I wanted to be able to hit the ground running IF we happened to get approved). I had started taking some dance classes at a dance studio not too far from my apartment. The owner of the studio had been a member of our church while she was in high school back when we first started coming to our church. I started talking to her and mentioned the need and desire to have a place to work out and do some personal choreography...and low and behold...she gave me the key to the back door of her studio! Whenever I got anxious waiting for an answer about Cardio Worship...I'd go to the studio and start running through choreography.

And finally...it happened. In April...I got a message from the woman from my church. We had been approved!!! This my friends, is completely and totally a God thing. As we were waiting for an answer, I had started getting a little less pessimistic about the likelihood of this ministry starting.

On May 20, 2016, we held a kick off class of Cardio Worship for about 30 attendees from the church!!! May 20, 2016 was a day I realized that 9-10 months of hopes, dreams, prayers, sweat, tears, and maybe even a little blood...finally ended in success! Months of choreography, emails, messages, and even dealing with several unexplained issues (I like to refer to those issues as a classic case of Spiritual Warfare in my life)...FINALLY had a purpose and a reason. 9-10 months of asking my close friends daily and weekly for prayer requests related to Cardio Worship had been answered.

I know that Cardio Worship is far from being "my" doing. It's not even really "my" ministry. It's God's. I just happen to be the lucky girl who gets to be the hands and feet (and abs, leg muscles, arm muscles, and every other muscle set for that matter) of God. From an early time in this endeavor...although I have called Cardio Worship "my ministry"...I am mistaken in my terminology. It's not mine. It's God's.

And as the Bible says...with God "All things are possible".

I believe 100% that God is far from over with blessing this ministry. I have no clue if we'll grow to multiple class times, days, locations...or if we'll just create a DVD workout series. But whatever happens...it won't be my doing alone. It will be me working...through the power of God through the Holy Spirit.

And before I end this post. That quote from the sermon my sweet friend texted me back in November? ("Don't get caught up in the mechanics of how you are serving, but rather embrace and feel the joy there is in serving God and worshiping Him.") That quote...is pretty much 100% spot on!

Happy dancing, friends!

Dancing in the Rain

There's a saying that I love to quote...

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain"

I love that quote! For a girl who has taken numerous years of dance classes..the dancer in me loves this quote. But there's another reason I love this quote.

Throughout this blog, and in my life in general...there is something that I've struggled with that I want to take some time and talk about right now. My struggle? Anxiety.

Go back to the beginning of this blog and look through my story. Anxiety has been laced through my life for many years. No matter if it is spawned by hormones, circumstances, or just plain worry...anxiety has become (sadly) a part of my life. The crazy thing is, in a weird way, I feel like I am in a unique position. You see, I've had so many friends who have battled with anxiety and depression. I have friends who continue to struggle with anxiety and depression. But where I'm unique...is that I've learned ways to make my anxiety less invasive in my life. Each time I battle through it, I come out a little bit stronger.

As I've mentioned before, during my senior year of college, I went on birth control medications that caused me to become very depressed. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. But...as I went through that time in my life, I got to see first hand how some other people in life deal with friends and loved ones who are dealing with anxiety. A few months after ending the birth control and returning to "normal" (or as close to that as possible), one of my good friends in college began saying and doing some very scary things. The things she was saying and doing sounded familiar...because I had just gone through those same thoughts a few months earlier. I knew what she was dealing with. I printed of 4 different lists of symptoms for "How to know if someone is depressed"...and highlighted the ones that she was portraying...which turned out to be most of the lists. I knew what she was going through. And then I started turning to other friends to help me help her. And that's where things ended. No one believed me. One person even told me that I'm not a psychologist and am unable to diagnose someone else's problems. I felt defeated. Here it is I felt like I had such a good possibility of helping this friend...and didn't feel like there was much of anything that I could do.

As I've continued to battle anxiety in my own life, I've started trying to pick up on some of my thoughts and actions as I go. My goal for the last several years, has been to find a way to educate the common public on anxiety. Where I felt defeated with my friend in college...doesn't mean that all hope is lost for everyone. That's my unique position.

Here's the thing, though. There's a lesson I have to teach my students as a teacher many times. The lesson that you are not able to change another person. So many times in many classrooms that I've been in, I have students complaining about another classmate. "But SHE did that" or "HE did this". It's a tough lesson to learn that there is very little you can do to change another person.

If you're battling anxiety, the changes start with YOU. I'm still working on my thoughts on how to educate others. Sadly, some people just don't get it. They think anxiety and depression is something that can be magically switched on and off. Or they think that somehow they'll be able to just say 3 magic words and everything will be better. Or they'll only want to DO something. Anxiety is a battle of the mind. I'm here to tell you...there's not much that someone can do for you on the outside. Hugs are nice for some people. But a hug isn't always going to cure the whirlwind of thoughts circling through your mind.

So...stop waiting for the storm to pass. Stop waiting for the next drug to come out to get on. Stop waiting to find the counselor that will help you. Just STOP.

And start dancing in the rain.

Do the tough stuff. Get up. Get going. Dance.

Using my favorite analogy...dance...here are a few of my suggestions. If you are currently battling anxiety...here are some of my suggestions. Because the healing is going to start with YOU.

1. Be Prepared.
The first form of "dance" I ever took was actually a baton twirling class. My passion for dance started at a small dance studio and a dream of being a high school majorette back when I was in grade school. I took baton for several years, and eventually learned how to simultaneously twirl 2 batons. Right before middle school began, it was decided that the baton class at our studio was going to end. We would be performing at one final recital before the program was going to come to an end. The routine we were doing required us to march onto the stage with 2 batons in hand, put one down, twirl for the first half of the routine with one baton, then pick up the 2nd baton and finish the routine twirling 2 batons. While practicing for this routine, my instructor constantly alerted us to what to do "if you drop a baton". Basically what it came down to...if the baton was in a place that was reachable, pick it up ASAP and keep going. But...if it was too far away, you'd have to finish the rest of the routine with only 1 baton. "Fake it until you make it" was the mantra. But...as every dancer should know...we were supposed to keep on smiling! Make it look like it was supposed to be part of the show! For several months we were told what to do. Through practices...I caught every toss. The day of the recital came. We marched out onto the stage, set the other baton down, got ready for the first toss, TOSS....and my baton ended up on the other end of the stage. The next 30 seconds felt like a decade as I tried to keep a smile on my face, remember what I was supposed to do, bent down, picked up the 2nd baton, and glanced over at my friend to see where we were in the routine. I was mad.

After the show, my instructor came up to me. And gleamed with how quickly and seamless I had acted...with a smile still in tact. We always did our recitals at a local high school's theatre. The theatre director was an older man that seemed to never be satisfied with how things were done in the theatre. My instructor told me that after my baton drop and recover...the theater director had commented "man...she's GOOD!" I was prepared. Sure...it wasn't the most exciting situation. But I was prepared.

Same goes with anxiety. Be prepared. Know what to do. Know where to go. Know who to talk to. Just be prepared.

2. Look at things from a positive angle.
Anxiety is full of negative thought. This is the hardest thing to do, but one of my best ways to deal with my anxiety...is to try to think of things in a positive way.

When I was in high school, I remember one situation that happened during my ballet class. The class was given a basic center combination. We were to do one pirouette as a preparation...and then do 8 consecutive fouette turns. (If you don't speak ballet...look it up on YouTube). The music started. We did the pirouette. The first fouette went decently, the second didn't look too hot, by the fourth fouette, half the girls weren't even spinning a complete revolution...and by the eighth and final fouette...no one was anywhere near together. My dance teacher stopped the music and said "Well...how do you think that went?". And I responded "Well...we did the first 2 well!"

In the midst of anxiety...we have to see the glass as half full. You WILL get out of it. Every little step helps. No...maybe you really aren't created to be Wonder Woman and can do everything all the time. Do the first 2 fouettes correctly. Then strive to add more. Satan wants us to look at the 6 we did wrong. But Jesus wants us to look at the 2 we did RIGHT.

3. Don't say the C word
My old tap teacher was a very wise woman. And she had a BIG rule that we were expected to follow. We were not allowed to say the "C" word. What was the C word?  CAN'T. As she explained to all her young dancers...you CAN...as long as you keep trying and keep practicing. She even had a consequence. We had to do push ups every time we said the C word. Sometimes it seemed...she had more faith in our abilities than we did.

When it comes to anxiety and depression, the devil wants us to say that we can't do things. We can't talk to that person. We can't find a place to look. We can't go another day. We can't eat. We can't sleep. We can't.

But with God...you CAN. If you're battling anxiety and depression...keep reminding yourself that you CAN.


Satan uses anxiety as a way to rob us of our joy. He wants to rob us of our passion to be one with Jesus Christ. And the more he can make you doubt, the more he can make you miserable, the more he can make you worry...the more he will try to pull you away from God. He's always there. Until the day that Jesus returns...he's always going to be there. The storm isn't going to end. You need to learn to dance in the rain. While it's going on. Don't just dance in the puddles. Dance during the storm.

There are so many other lessons that I could take from dance and from the stage to apply to this. But it all goes back to the same point.

Dance.
Be prepared
Be positive
And don't you dare say that you can't.

Just keep going. As another one of my favorite quotes says "practice makes perfect". The more you practice these techniques and others...the more easy they will come each time you hit a time of anxiety.