There is something that I have been working on for the last three months or so. And there have been many internal changes that have happened from this. But, as mentioned, the changes are internal. They aren't always able to be seen. So, in this post, I would like to document my journey on something called "The Ultimate Renovation".
First of all - a little ground work. Stick with me, this may not seem to be part of the story, but trust me, it should all make sense in the end! Anyway...this school year (as a teacher) has definitely been one of the most challenging ones I have had my entire career. Like, from week one, it has been challenging. I'll spare all the details. By about October, I was doubting my abilities to stay in this job. I was also doubting my ambitions to remain a teacher much longer. I've had many friends and family praying for God's direction on my life. By November and December, I began applying for the very few jobs I could find posted mid-year. Sadly, nothing worked out. Around Christmas time, I was desperate. But for some reason, no job offers were extended. I sent a friend a text around Christmas time, telling her that my hope for 2019 would be to get into a better job situation. This friend texted back and said something along the lines of that she couldn't promise anything, but she would pray that God would either get me a new job or renovate my current situation. I thought that was an interesting word choice...renovate. A day or two later (maybe a week), I was checking my email and something caught my attention: an email with the word "renovation" in the subject line. The pastor's wife from my church in North Carolina has a blog. However, for the last six months or so, she had been working on writing a Bible study/online course called "The Ultimate Renovation". She wanted to beta test her work before releasing it. So, she was looking for volunteers for a beta testing group. I found the use of the word "renovation" interesting, after my friend's text. So...without any information about what this thing was, I signed up to be part of the beta testing group.
"Ultimate Renovation" is a Bible study/online course designed to work through the Biblical command of renewing our minds. The course has 6 units. At the time I am writing this, we have completed five of those six units. It's called a renovation, as we are using the visual of a home renovation as a metaphor to what will be happening in our minds. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started on this journey. Really, I was hoping to gain some clarity about God's direction career-wise for me. But, as is God's way most of the time - I ended up getting something even greater out of this.
For the rest of this story, I am going to go back to my Past. Present. Future. model of writing this blog.
Past.
I have always been an emotional person. Like, deemed the "cry baby" since elementary school. I still remember one particular day, my older brother REALLY wanted something. So, he said to me "Bethany, start crying and maybe mom will give us what we want!" My emotions didn't work like that, though. I never really knew WHY I was so emotional. Some call it a "tender heart", others call it "sensitivity". Whatever it was, I struggled with it. I didn't always even know why I was emotional. It was weird.
Either late high school or early college years, I continued to be emotional. At some point, I began blaming it on hormones. Makes sense...I'm a girl. It was an easy answer. Once I said it was hormones, no one asked questions about it anymore. Over the next few years, it seemed like my hormones were CRAZY. Like...emotions all over the place! I tried several things to control those hormones...but nothing worked. I got tested for thyroid problems, diabetes, and other physical ailments that could possibly cause this much emotion. Everything came back normal. It just didn't make sense.
In the summer of 2016, I had just finished going through the second or third idea that I had had to control my seemingly uncontrollable hormones. Nothing seemed to work, and I started really wondering what was wrong with me?!?! However, I didn't know it then, but that summer would be the first step that I'd have to take on a very long journey.
It was during that summer of 2016 that I joined a morning Bible study at our church. The book the ladies were studying was called "Becoming Emotionally Whole" by Charles Stanley. I thought it was a bunch of hooey, but I went anyway. In the first chapter of the book, I learned some shocking truths. God CREATED emotions! God created ME! And get this...emotions actually serve a purpose! I still wasn't completely buying it, though. Didn't Mr. Stanley understand the female body? My emotions pretty much took on a personality of their own! There had been times when I had to send apologies to friends for how I had acted post-emotional time! By chapter two of the book, Mr. Stanley reviewed what we had learned in chapter one. Not gonna lie, next to the point about how emotions have a purpose and are good...I wrote in the book "Hahaha...yeah right!" (No joke...though I gave that copy of that book to a friend I no longer talk to).
But I did learn one big thing from that book. "Emotions are a prompting of the Holy Spirit to action". When we are in Christ, our emotions are a way of the Spirit to prompt us to move. That movement could be something simple...like STOP doing that. Or just to say a kind word to someone. Sometimes, the movement is a bit bigger. I haven't had my copy of that book for almost two years, but I still remember that quote.
It was while we were doing this study that I made a discovery. You see, the Spirit started prompting me to think that maybe...just maybe...the reason none of my hormone cures had worked...was because I was trying to solve the wrong problem. Maybe...just maybe...my problems were never hormonally based at all...and actually were emotionally based.
Through several days and weeks of personal reflection time, prayer, and Bible reading....I came to an alarming discovery. You see, as I was growing up, I had learned something that was not something from God. Growing up, I had several people tell me things and treat me in ways that resulted in me believing that I will never amount to anything. And no, I'm not meaning it in the "Christian" way of not amount to anything if not in Christ. I mean...everything. I'll never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, or talented enough. At every turn, I get bombarded with this same claim. Sounds crazy, considering I have taken dance classes and music lessons my entire life. I'll never have a place in this world. I will always have to prove myself in order to be taken seriously. After hearing it from others for way too long, I started saying it about myself...and believing it.
For many years, I wanted to be noticed. And no matter how hard I tried, I never felt like I was noticed. I remember back in high school, there was one year that my brother and I were both on our high school's newspaper staff. My brother had decided that year to write a humor column for the newspaper. It was great! He had a talent of making people laugh! And as I walked through school, people came up to me all the time and raved about how much they LOVED his column! But...I was also a writer for the newspaper. They never told me that they liked my article. They didn't even mention that they had even read my article. I felt invisible. I remember making a list one day in my notebook during that class. The title at the top of my page said "Ways I Can Get Noticed". Some were things I could ask to get published in the school newspaper. Some were other things that were not associated with school at all.
A few days after making this discovery in 2016, I shared it with a friend. As I told this friend what I had discovered about my past, she asked me "Bethany, how much has this affected your relationship with God?" Yikes! If I felt like I would never amount to anything here on earth and that I needed to do things to get noticed, how in the world could I ever be put to use for His kingdom?? Did God ever notice me? And more importantly, I had associated love with this. Not only would I never amount to anything, who would want to love a screw up like me? I knew the "Christian" answer...I know in my mind that God loves me. But I've had to ask myself several times if I really believe that. On some of my worst days, even recently, I will be on my knees in prayer while sobbing...and claiming to God that I am "damaged goods". I know that there's something good about me somewhere...I just don't know what it is. Mixed in with a lot of emotional baggage...is also a hefty dose of shame. Something else I have had to learn a lot about. Guilt is saying you made a mistake. Shame is saying you ARE a mistake. I've lived with feelings of shame over so many things for many years.
Since that time in 2016, I have been on a personal journey. A journey to heal those thoughts from my past. No matter how they were inflicted, there are numerous emotional wounds in my heart of a girl wanting to be noticed and wanting to find her purpose in God's plans. A journey to heal from the emotional wounds I had been collecting from who knows when...and FINALLY step out as a new creation. Although it may seem like I have many things to celebrate - a bachelor's degree, a job, working on a master's degree, talents, skills, and starting Cardio Worship - I still find myself struggling to see my role in His kingdom.
And for the record, I have have been seeing a counselor for the past two years about this.
Present.
In January of 2019 (this year), I began this thing called the "Ultimate Renovation". When we talk about renewing our minds. I was thinking the "churchy" answer...spending those precious few moments each morning doing devotions and praying. But...what I was going to learn...is that renewing our minds is so much more than just what I do at 5 a.m. (or 9 a.m....or the occasional 3 p.m....time management is not my forte).
Much like renovating a home...we can do cosmetic changes. In a house, you can paint walls and put artwork up for a "quick fix". But, for bigger projects, you have to dig a bit deeper.
The first unit of this renovation was simply setting the stage for what we would be doing. Think of it as the blueprint. Or...more like the 3D model you can see online. No big deal. I was ready to see where this went.
The second unit, was on our "foundation". And more than anything, making sure our "foundation" is rooted in Christ. At this point in the renovation...I felt pretty accomplished. Yep, I'm a Christian. Yep, I serve at church. It was during this unit, though, that I started really thinking about what I think about. Where is my foundation? What am I setting my mind on?
My first encounter with thinking about what I think about happened in late January. For the last year or so, I have been volunteering on our church's worship band playing the keyboard. Our worship leader is a sweet kid that I used to babysit back when I was in college (actually, I babysat him and his six younger sisters...yes...7 kids). I haven't taken a piano lesson since my sophomore year of high school (so roughly about 14 years). However, he approached me and asked if I'd like to play...I said yes. I've learned a lot in just over a year and revived some of my old knowledge about music. And really, playing each week that I'm scheduled to play is something I look forward to. In late January, I had a short little texting conversation with our worship leader. It was a sweet conversation and left me very happy inside (so happy...that after that conversation, I walked into Hobby Lobby to look for some artwork to put on my walls at my apartment...and walked out with all music-themed artwork). It was wonderful.
But, the very next day, without any warning, my emotions...and thoughts went the other way. Out of nowhere, my thoughts started going sour. I'm the worst pianist at our church. Why does he keep scheduling me when I suck so badly?
But here's the crazy thing. Midway through that thought process...I stopped. In my conversation with our worship leader the day before...NONE of that was said. Not even remotely alluded to. And really, the only place that thought was coming from...was from me. This was NOT a thought coming from God. I'm happy to say, I was able to stop that thought, turn it around, and remind myself that worship isn't about playing all the right notes (though, as a musician, that's still a good thing to do). It's about offering back to God what He's given us. For me, that was a HUGE step.
Unit three is where things started getting more interesting. Unit three of our "Ultimate Renovation" was about our brain's wiring. Dr. Caroline Leaf is a great author (and Christian) who has done numerous studies on thoughts and our brains. Dr. Leaf talks about (in a very loose paraphrase) how brain scans have shown that repeated trauma and repeated behavior actually physically changes the makeup of our brains. It is possible, in fact, to "change your brain". During this unit, we went through some applications on how to do this. One is called the "Reversi Reframe". Basically, you take a bad thought and write it down on a notecard. Then, on the back side, you write the same thought...but in a positive form. The trick in this exercise, though, is that your reverse of the thought isn't to plan out HOW it will be done (because sometimes that's not in our abilities). Simply, we are replacing it with a better thought. We are opening up hope to come in and change the circumstance
A week or so after learning about this and how our brains are wired, I got to practice this in real life. Like I mentioned before, this year (as a teacher) has been really hard. I have several very challenging kids. One child has been more challenging than most of the others. I've been cursed at by this child...sometimes on a daily basis. This child says things about me, yells right in my face, and treats me horribly. And this child does it to other students as well. All those hurt little places in my heart, believing that I'm a failure...seem to get a daily reminder from this child about how true that must be. "Teaching 101" says to not let it affect me. That's a lot easier said than done.
So in February, the child's parent was finally called in for a meeting. Let's just say it didn't go very well. When the parent left, I was left feeling horrible. I couldn't even pull myself up to leave work. I was sobbing. I'm an awful teacher. But then remembered this reframe idea. After a few botched attempts...my front side of my card read "This is a rough year and I am struggling to finish this school year" . The reverse side said "I will finish this difficult year, and I will not give up on my students." The how for that comes later. And I'm happy to say...we have 8 weeks left!
Unit four was themed on plumbing and water source. Ultimately, looking at the book of John, we have to remember that Jesus is the "living water". Any other water is going to leave us thirsting again. But, only He can satisfy. The main take away from this unit is that we need to have our "water source" only in him. This comes through Salvation, baptism, and daily worship (hint...it's not a Sunday-only thing!).
Unit five (our current unit) is on demolishing walls. And really, this comes down to forgiveness. I can't go too much into detail on this one, as I am still working through some things with this. All I can say is that there are MANY walls in my life that need to come down. Forgiveness towards others. Even forgiveness towards myself in several ways. I'll hopefully update this later with more about how I've demolished walls. The walls that shame has helped put up have been my biggest challenges lately.
Future.
So what does all this mean for my future? A couple things, really. It really all boils down to a few different things.
1. This "renovation" is really a journey. I realized back in 2016 that healing from my past was not going to be something that would happen overnight. It's a journey. Not a destination.
2. Worship is crucial. As I've been going through this journey, there is something that I have already learned. Much of what I have come to understand about renewing my mind resides in what I am spending my time on. I have felt challenged with this "renovation" to take a look at how I spend my days and weeks. Like I mentioned above, worship is not just a Sunday-only thing. However, I want everything that I participate in (or at least close to it) to give me the same feeling that I get when I'm playing the keyboard at church on a Sunday morning - the feeling that my talent is useful, that I'm glorifying God with what I have, and that I'm giving Him back something. THAT is what worship is.
3. I read a quote in a book a few weeks ago. It said (roughly) that "God didn't MAKE me go through this. God LET me go through this...so that He could be glorified". As I continue on this journey, I have become content knowing that I can use this journey as a way to point others towards God and His healing power. Sharing my story and how He has worked through me is a way for me to show His power. And isn't that the greatest future to have?
