You know how the saying goes...where there's a will...there's a way.
Well...I have a willingness...and now I've found my way.
Computers and I have always had a very interesting history. My computer buying experience begins in 2007, after I graduated from high school.
While we were growing up, my parents taught my brother and I the importance of saving money. We even each had a bank account growing up at the local bank in our small Ohio town starting in elementary school. Throughout my growing up years, I remember being taught the importance of saving...as well as the importance of tithing to the church. Over my several years growing up and making some-what regular deposits into my bank account, I had accumulated a pretty decent amount of money (at least it seemed like a lot to my 18-year-old self at the time).
Over the years that we banked at the bank in our town, though, although the bank building stayed the same...the banking institutions that came and went changed several times. By the time I was graduating from high school, the most recent bank institution to enter the stone building in our town's downtown didn't have the greatest of rates. So, when I graduated the decision was made that I would be taking my money that I got from graduation and opening a checking and a savings account with the credit union that my mom had begun using. Conveniently located right behind the hospital she was currently working for. (A few years later, I also opened up a credit card account through the bank after a not-so-great experience with another major credit card company). My mom had told me that when I opened up that account, I would then be able to use whatever money was in the town's bank account to shop for a laptop for college.
So, in 2007, I began my first computer search. I was hoping to stay in a budget of around $500. At that time, however, desktop computers were still all the rage...and laptops were pretty pricey. My mom's sister's husband (my uncle...for anyone that couldn't figure out the family tree) has worked for an electronics company for many years and was able to provide some thoughts of what we'd be wanting to look for in a new computer. In the end...there were only a few options available. I ended up buying an Acer laptop from Circuit City (FYI...Circuit City is no longer in business). Life was grand...or so it seemed.
My first year of college, my laptop saw all sorts of issues. My college was not very "wireless" yet in 2007, so an ethernet cable was required to connect to the internet on campus. At one point of living on campus, my roommate and I had decided to arrange our beds in such a way that the only way for my roommate to get into her bed...was to climb on mine first. One time, as she was stepping down, her foot was a little close to my computer...and somehow a small piece of the ethernet port on my laptop broke off. That was eventually "fixed" in some sort with a little USB-powered device that provided a new ethernet port. Over the next year or so, though, my computer began to go slower and slower. Now...this was probably the first major electronics purchase I had ever made in my life...so to me a slow laptop was better than no laptop (plus enduring YEARS of having only dial-up internet service helped me be a TAD more patient with the computer). The Acer computer lasted through my sophomore year...but by the end of the year, it was apparent that something was wrong with the computer.
As I was getting ready to head into my junior year of college, I was going to be moving back to college early to be working for my 2nd year as a summer Orientation Leader at my college. About 2 weeks before moving back to school to do more OL work, my mom suggested that I take my laptop to a computer shop in the next town over. The shop was advertising a $25 computer diagnostic. I took the computer to them, paid the money (still seemed kind of high for my college kid finances), told them the "symptoms" my computer was having, and then waited to hear from them. They called a couple days later. The issue? The motherboard on the laptop was failing. Really, the only thing they could recommend was to buy a new laptop. (They basically said that they COULD try sending the laptop back to the manufacturer, however, the warranty had expired so I'd be paying to ship it there, for whatever parts and service, and to ship it back...probably ending up being more than just replacing the whole thing).
So, less than a week before heading back off to school for my junior year, my mom and I ran to the nearest Best Buy store to find me a new computer. Again, we were armed with suggestions of what to look for from my uncle. With a little help from the nice people at Best Buy, we ended up buying a new HP laptop. That time, there were several more options of laptops in the $500 range. If I remember correctly, since this wasn't an expected expense, I believe between my mom and I...we used about 5 methods of payments to cover the costs.
The HP laptop seemed SO much better than the old Acer (which...I later did a "Consumer Reports" search on...most people with that same Acer laptop had reported similar issues happening. Shortly after the warranty expired, major issues would happen with the computer, resulting in Acer not willing to cover the issues and the person replacing the computer). The HP laptop got me through the rest of my college career and into my first teaching job...a total of about 3 years.
In 2012, as I was moving to North Carolina, I noticed that my laptop was getting slow. Within the first week of being in NC, as my mom was still with me to help me move in, the battery on the laptop started giving in. I remember ending up running to a local battery shop in NC to buy a new laptop battery for the computer which seemed to do the trick for a while. The laptop had also started getting really hot when it was running. For years, my dad had been telling me how it's not good for a laptop to sit on a bed, desk, or human legs. For best performance, it NEEDED to be on one of those laptop/lap desk things (though I had plenty of people that told me that wasn't exactly true). But the laptop was getting so hot, I had to put either a blanket or pillow between it and my legs to make sure I didn't get burned. A couple weeks after moving to NC, I was sitting in my apartment watching Netflix (I bought a Wii a few months later with some unexpected Christmas money). In the middle of the show I was watching on Netflix, my computer froze, then turned off. I took that as God's sign to me that maybe 5 hours of watching "Bones" on Netflix was enough...and left the computer off and went to bed. The next day, I turned the computer back on and everything seemed to be alright again. For another week, at least. A week later, the same thing happened. At this point, I was already feeling over my head with stuff going on with my teaching job and being 600 miles away from home. I called my uncle for an opinion. No one seemed to know what was going on.
Again, I turned the computer back on after giving it a chance to cool back down. Two hours later, it turned off again. This time, I called my mom...in tears. I was 600 miles away from home. One of my major ways of staying in communication with people from home was through Facebook (we didn't have smart phones yet). My computer was necessary. After another call to my uncle, I made my way to the nearest Office Max store I could find, who performed a diagnostic test on the laptop. The "symptoms" I was describing about the computer seemed to be like those you'd find if the computer had a virus. They ran the scan...no virus was detected. I was told that IF there was a virus on the computer, most likely it was so deep in the computer, that it would be impossible to detect and destroy. I priced laptops while I was at Office Max. The nice people at Office Max helped me find a good laptop, and even offered to transfer all of my files and information to the new laptop...as well as get the whole laptop set up and ready to go for me. Again...I was buying a laptop with little notice. After spending money to move to a new city...I was spending even more to replace my laptop.
A couple months later, when I went to visit my aunt and uncle for a weekend, my uncle offered to do some updates and wipe the harddrive of the old laptop for me. Of the laptops he was working on, my old laptop was going slower than any others...and my uncle also noted how hot to the touch the laptop was (another words...something was REALLY wrong with that thing).
The new laptop from Office Max...another HP...again...seemed so much better after dealing with all the issues of the one before. Things went great. And then last summer rolled around...
As I was applying for various jobs last summer, I ended up getting a semi-impromptu interview for a possible Graduate Assistant position at the college I was going to begin my masters at. I ended up getting asked to do an interview for the GA position on a day I was planning on being in Virginia for a vacation for myself. The interviewer offered then to do a Skype interview. On the day of the interview as I was making sure Skype would work right, I noticed that Skype was indicating that it was having issues working through my computer. Thankfully (in a way), the interviewer had to re-schedule the interview due to being sick...and I had my cousin help me find ways to make sure my laptop would run faster. Long story short...I didn't get the position.
As I was driving back to Ohio from Virginia, trying to get through the Washington, DC traffic before it got too much worse, I got another surprise phone for a possible job with an all-online school. As I progressed through the interviews for that job (and...I'll save you the curiosity...didn't get that job either), I realized that if I were to get that job...I didn't think my laptop would be cutting it. So...a couple weeks after getting home, we scheduled to have a guy from our church come to the house to take a look at my laptop and see if he could give any suggestions, make it run faster, etc. This is a guy who owns an at-home business working on computers. The guy from church stayed over for a couple hours, took a few programs off my computer that were not needed, and showed me several programs that I could use to try to keep my computer running faster. I remember, though, when he left, he didn't think he had really done much to make my computer run faster.
Over the last year, it seems like the computer has been running even slower. Even today, as I'm typing out this post, occasionally, the computer is slowing down just not working as well as it used to.
For the last two years, I've been trying to NOT spend everything that comes my way for Christmas and Birthdays. Generally for Christmas and birthdays, I do get some cash. As a kid, I was pretty bad about just frittering the money away. But the last 2 years, I've been making more efforts to keep the money so that I can buy myself something I wouldn't normally buy myself. Last year, I saved my money and then in April, took a trip back to NC where I had lived. The money was my spending money to use on my little vacation. Since I had worked at an upscale consignment shop, I went back there and bought myself some new clothes to work towards updating my wardrobe. I did the same this year with part of my Christmas money, but I still have money from Christmas, birthday, and several other places.
So...as I've been trying to figure out what to do with that money, I decided over the last couple weeks, that maybe...especially if God really is going to be calling me into the missions field...or even to another area of the US...it would be nice to not be buying a new computer a couple weeks later. Or...if nothing else...just in general...actually looking for a computer before I absolutely NEED a computer and am just buying whatever I can find first. I realized that I probably had enough to make a pretty decent dent on buying a computer.
Last week, my mom and I were out shopping before we were going to be meeting my dad for dinner. There's a new Costco store that recently opened and we went there (my mom got a membership there with my dad). We weren't really looking for anything at Costco, but I did see their electronics while we were there. So...I decided to just take a look for fun and see what was on the market and what price I was going to be looking at. My mom had bought herself a tablet a year or so ago and thoroughly LOVES it. So...after going through 3 laptops in 8 years...I thought it would probably be okay for me now to look into a tablet rather than a laptop. I ended up finding one that I liked that seemed to be at a pretty decent price.
We still had time to kill after getting out of Costco, so my mom suggested, since I was looking at tablets, since we were in the right area, to go to Best Buy and see what they had available. So, as I was at Best Buy, I managed to get a couple of nice people helping me, who were able to suggest a great tablet and some recommendations for some other things to accessorize the tablet. A day or two later, I went back on the Best Buy website, and just in a general sense, got myself a "price range" that I was looking at. I took the list price of the tablet and the keyboard that I thought I'd get. This particular tablet also has a Micro SD card slot so that you can expand the memory usage and I was planning on getting a Micro SD card for that use. I added all the numbers up...then grabbed all my money and added that up...and I was $100 short. I actually started praying about it this week. My goal, was that if I was to buy this tablet and if God really wants me to do it...somehow I'd be able to cover the majority of the price...not just 2/3 of it. I thought maybe God would bring a good samaritan my way to pay for the rest, a winning lottery ticket to blow up at my feet, or even to possibly sell some other unwanted and unused items for some extra cash. Nothing came.
For the last few days, I've been looking at various ways to afford this tablet. The other day, as I was looking for a couple things in my room...I came across an Amazon gift card from probably 2 Christmases ago...and loaded it onto my Amazon account. But at only $25, that still wasn't solving enough of my $100 shortage.
Just this afternoon, I decided to look again at the tablet. I had been thinking that I'd just buy the tablet and extra stuff from the Best Buy store...so that I knew I'd be getting what I wanted and excellent service. I noticed that if I bought the tablet through Amazon...it seemed a little cheaper. So...I went to the Best Buy site to compare (earlier when I compared the prices, it was about a $10 difference). Best Buy had put the tablet back at it's original price...making the Amazon price $30 cheaper! So...just for "fun"...I decided to put that in my Amazon cart. Amazon recommended pairing the tablet with a Micro SD card and a folio case...taking the price to about what I was thinking it would be at Best Buy. I really wanted a keyboard/case, though...so I replaced the folio cover for a keyboard...which turned out to be cheaper than what I had originally put in my "price range". And...I realized that the SD card they were putting with it...I could get by with a smaller one (I can buy an SD card many places...if I really want the bigger card, I can buy that later). I told my mom about the deal I was finding...and then realized I could save even MORE money...if I decided to get a blue tablet instead of a black one (seriously...who really cares what the outside of the tablet looks like?).
Put everything in my cart...and started doing the math. After subtracting the Amazon gift card, and my saved cash (which...I'll have to stop by the bank tomorrow and deposit)...the grand total that I'll be paying that's not accounted for? $17.55. My $306 order is going to be paid because of saving...mostly in cash...and I'm left to pay less than 20 bucks. AND...I signed up for an Amazon Prime membership a while back...so I also am getting FREE 2-day shipping.
No good Samaritan, no cash for unused items (though, I still have some things to figure out how to get rid of), and no winning lottery ticket blowing to my feet. Maybe it wasn't a HUGE sign from God. But with a little bit of faith, a little bit of patience...and a good calculator...I think this can still be considered an answer from God.
I should be getting my new tablet by Wednesday. :)
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Style on the Inside vs. Style on the Outside
Over the last few weeks and months, I've had this feeling happening in my heart and in my soul. This feeling that maybe, just maybe, God is preparing me for a new path, a new direction, and potentially a new state! And as I said in an earlier post...no...I don't really have any "great" news to talk about. But somewhere in my soul, I just feel like something HUGE is coming my way. And...as (at least a portion) of the title of a song by Crystal Lewis says..."People get ready!" So over the last few weeks and months, I've been trying to do a few things to possibly get ready for this big move. Now...don't get me wrong. I haven't gotten any messages from God to completely sell everything I own for Him. But...there's something to be said about getting rid of some items that have just been collecting up dust for several years. Not gonna lie...at the same time, I see a practical reason to start cleaning up (besides a possible move in my future). I have too much STUFF.
To catch some up to speed a bit...last fall, I took a job at a retail store that specializes in buying your old stuff and reselling it. Yes, retail. I went from a career where my first job was to tell kids why they even needed to learn anything beyond 2+2, to a job where I (at least should) be trying to talk people into why they NEED that new shirt. Not gonna lie...I've never been much of a retail person myself. I took the job with the thought that this position would get me through maybe 6 months or so of employment as I began working on a master's degree, and then I'd find something full time and be gone. It's been nearly a year...and I'm still here. For the past several months, I have been looking for full time employment. As of the interview I did last week...that was the first interview I'd even been offered in 6 months. Surprisingly, though, this job has taught me some very surprising lessons.
So...in about April, I decided to start cleaning out my room. I mean...not gonna lie...many items I own I've had since college, moved from college back to home, moved from Ohio to North Carolina, and then moved back from NC to Ohio...and it is still there. So in March and April, I started clearing through some of that stuff with the idea that some of the items I would take to my workplace and sell it to them for a small profit. One thing that I had TONS of that I wanted to get rid of...several Vera Bradley bags and purses. After clearing through and deciding to only keep about 7 Veras, I took the rest to work...and ended up getting paid more than I thought I would. As I was driving home that day from bringing those items in, I started thinking. My Vera Bradley obsession began while I was in college. My sophomore year of college, I joined a sorority, and it seemed like EVERY girl in that sorority was a Vera lover. I made it to my senior year of college without buying a Vera (we did a Vera sale with the sorority at one point...and I was a little scared to see that most of the purses cost about half of my current pay of my part-time job on campus). Finally, sometime during senior year, one of the girls in the sorority ended up telling me that if I didn't buy myself a Vera before I graduated, that she was going to either give or buy one for me. (So...of course cheap-o me opted to not buy one!). That Christmas time, as my mom was looking for ideas for Christmas, I asked for a Vera purse. And now...every Christmas since...my mom has gotten me some kind of Vera purse.
Driving home after my Vera selling adventure I realized something. I had been using a brand of purses to try to "fit in" with a group of girls. I remember shortly after graduating from college, I had stopped at the same store I now work at and bought an almost-new Vera at a pretty cheap price. I was all excited and posted my "steal" on Facebook. And was pretty sad when not a single person "liked" my status.
As I've looked at some of the other items in my wardrobe and in my room...I've started to realize that some of the items I've held on to because somewhere in my brain, I think that if I just kept it long enough...maybe life would go back to an easier time. Before hormones. Before this hurt or that issue. If I just kept those purses...maybe all of my friends in college would become extremely close to me again! If I hold on to this shirt that no longer fits...maybe I'll be able to fit into it and look more like I did when I was a freshman in high school. If I lose enough weight and can fit back into that old dance costume...maybe I'll be able to go back to the days where 6 hours of dance classes a week were doable!
It's funny how many analogies about life I can make from things I've learned at this job. For example, most of the items we have in our store get an ink tag censor on them. In recent weeks, there's been a lot of discussions amongst us employees because there are some items that get a censor that are too thin, and actually end up with holes and tears due to the censor. Something that's meant to be a good thing to the garment, now has a hole. And...as many sewers and seamstresses could tell you...there are some things that can be "fixed". But...there are some holes that will permanently change a piece of clothing. It won't go back to the way we were. I see that in my life sometimes. I've tried to "censor" parts of my life...and due to hurts and past failures, there's a little hole. You can try all you want to cover it up, fix it, and sew it. But...it will never go away. It's always there. I think that's what some of my material possessions are becoming. If I could just fit into that top...maybe it will cover up the weeks and months of depression, hurt, and drowning myself in chocolate and Cheez-Its. If I could just fit back into that dress...maybe it would erase the hurtful words of that one friend. But...much like some of our items at work...it's never going to go back to that way. And sometimes...not having those things fit again is actually a sign of change!
So...my sophomore year of college, I bought myself this cute dress. I bought it at Fashion Bug (which...by the way...is pretty much out of business...or at least not in our area anymore). I wanted a new dress for Easter, and I also was going to my sorority's spring formal. That dress managed to be a good one for both of those events. I still had the dress (up until a couple weeks ago). For the last 2 years, I've been working to fit back into that dress as much as possible. I mean...in the years since I bought that dress, I've been through my fair share of hardships, changes, anxiety, depression, and the occasional over-eating. All those things have taken a toll on my body. I would work out, try to eat right, even became a Zumba instructor and began teaching my own class. And everytime I put that dress on...I still could not get the zipper to go all the way up! I finally stopped trying and decided to get rid of the dress once and for all after making a pretty big discovery. I could zip the dress up past my belly and my gut. The issue? The zipper wouldn't make it past my CHEST! Now...unless I'm the opposite of the Grinch and my heart is 2 sizes too big instead of 2 sizes too small...somewhere between age 19 or 20 when I bought that dress and now at age 26...my boobs had gotten bigger! Here it was that I thought the dress wouldn't fit because of my past...when really...that dress wouldn't fit because I have GROWN (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) because of natural causes.
As I've been clearing through some of the items in my room, I've started trying to ask myself about something. Each item that I am tempted to keep, I ask myself "is this an item that expresses me now...or is this an item that I'm holding on to...hoping that somehow my life will go back to an earlier time when things seemed easier?" One of my more recent goals is to get rid of a bunch of stuff from college. Not gonna lie...the majority of my non-dressy items have advertisements for either church, college, or the sorority. My goal has been over the last few weeks to try to get rid of some of those items and bring in new items. A couple years after graduating from college, I started to realize something about myself. I spent 4 or more years of college trying to "define" myself and painting a picture of myself...but my definition and picture was not the same as God's. All the way through college, I tried to tell everyone who I am...and failing. Because my description and definition were not God's. It wasn't until a couple years after college that I began seeing that. In the last 2 years or so, God has brought some of the most amazing people into my life. But there's something different about these people. They start seeing something different about me. If you go back to a couple of my older posts, you may see something about when I lived in NC. One of the things from living in NC that still has me baffled to today is what happened about 6 months after I moved there. I had been feeling like God was calling me to the missions field, but amongst other struggles I was having in NC, I don't really remember ever telling many people about that plan or goal. But about 6 months after living in NC, one of the guys from my Life Group randomly (or at least it seemed like that to me) asked me one day if I saw myself eventually living in another country. For pretty much the rest of of the time I was in NC, that person would keep asking me questions about if or when I was going to be moving over seas. The weird part is...except a couple random comments...I don't really remember saying much to my friends in NC about my missions trip to Thailand or my thoughts and dreams of missions work. So...I've started wondering how this person managed to figure that out and start asking me about it? Short of going too crazy about it...I've decided the answer is God. North Carolina was the first time I really think that "College Bethany" had worn off...and "God's Bethany" was starting to shine through.
I've been in my current job for almost a year. And the longer I stay here, the more I've realized just the amazing group of people that God has put in my life during this leg of my journey. Growing up, I've never been much for style and fashion. I've always been a pretty simple girl. In my opinion, as long as I have a pair of black pants and a pair of jeans...I can almost always turn one top into two different outfits. It's been funny to think about my style growing up. When I was in elementary school...I wore dresses almost every day...and got teased relentlessly for it. Once I hit middle school, navy blue was my color of choice (also was one of our school's colors...so it was like a 2-for-1 special!) and my "normal" outfit was: jeans, t-shirt, socks and tennis shoes, a hoodie, and my hair in a pony tail. When I got into college, I started doing a hybrid of the two styles...sometimes wearing jeans and hoodies...other times dressing up (I still stayed away from the dresses...except for special occasions). I've never really thought I had a style (unless "cheap" is a style?). But over the last couple months at my job...the ladies I work with have started to figure out my style. Just last week, one of the girls noticed I have been wearing a lot of dresses (calling it my "one-piece-wonder"...still not sure if I said that or not...lol) in bright colors. She had started to see my style...and knew my size (probably a dangerous combination) and had a dress pretty much in my size she thought I'd like and ended up giving it to me for free.
The thing is...I don't think some of the people that God's put in my life just understand my style on the outside...they get my "style" on the inside. I've learned in many different ways how God knows us beyond just what's on the outside (he knows the number of hairs on our head the Bible says). How much of the time is what we put on the outside a reflection of what our "style" is on the inside? I think about where I've been in the last few years of my life and where I am now. Brightly colored dresses are one of my new favorites. I don't think I'm enjoying those dresses for their one-piece-wonder appeal or to counteract the grey rainy skies in NW Ohio. Maybe...wearing those bright colored dresses...are my way of expressing the bright colors that are starting to appear within my inside "style". Last summer, I decided to chop my hair and dyed it. It's been over 8 weeks since my last hair appointment, and I've decided to start growing my hair out again and not coloring it. Over the last few weeks, I've not felt a need to change my hair color so that people can understand the change that is happening on the outside. If they see the change...that's great. If not...their loss not mine.
As I wait for my calling to my next chapter in life...I am working on finding ways to express the "new" Bethany. Why continue to carry "college Bethany" around? It's just added weight that I don't need. If God calls me to a job half-way across the country...do I REALLY want to be carrying memories from Tiffin, Ohio and Heidelberg University with me? Or do I want to lose that baggage and replace it with memories of the new-found friends I have made now? Do I really want to drag my memories from Elmore, Ohio and Woodmore High School to a new state and a new adventure? Even realizing that I didn't re-commit my life to Christ until AFTER high school? Will there be room in the U-Haul for all of that among all my single-living apartment items? Or won't it make more sense to cherish these memories and the people that see me for my inside "style"...and not just my outside "style"?
Let me end this post with a prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you for the amazing people that you've put in my life along this journey. Thank you for finding me the people that won't just offer me new clothes (and a little bit of peer pressure to buy them), but also the people that can make suggestions for my inside "style". Lord, as I (kind of anxiously) await what you will do in my life next, may I continue to remember that you've already provided so much for me right where I am. And Lord, help me to stop dragging along the older versions of Bethany from high school and college. The newer Bethany is so much prettier, smarter, and better than those! I pray, Lord Jesus, that over the coming days and weeks, that I can continue to work on getting rid of the Bethany I hoped I would become, the Bethany I wanted to be, and the Bethany that was just trying to fit in...and start embracing me as the Bethany that you've created me to be. And, Lord, I pray that anyone that reads this blog...even if they may not understand all of my inside jokes and thoughts...would be able to be touched by this message in some way. And now Lord as I get ready to go about the rest of my day, I pray that you'd send blessing and protection to all of those near and dear to my heart.
In your name I pray...
(and all God's children say...)
Amen
To catch some up to speed a bit...last fall, I took a job at a retail store that specializes in buying your old stuff and reselling it. Yes, retail. I went from a career where my first job was to tell kids why they even needed to learn anything beyond 2+2, to a job where I (at least should) be trying to talk people into why they NEED that new shirt. Not gonna lie...I've never been much of a retail person myself. I took the job with the thought that this position would get me through maybe 6 months or so of employment as I began working on a master's degree, and then I'd find something full time and be gone. It's been nearly a year...and I'm still here. For the past several months, I have been looking for full time employment. As of the interview I did last week...that was the first interview I'd even been offered in 6 months. Surprisingly, though, this job has taught me some very surprising lessons.
So...in about April, I decided to start cleaning out my room. I mean...not gonna lie...many items I own I've had since college, moved from college back to home, moved from Ohio to North Carolina, and then moved back from NC to Ohio...and it is still there. So in March and April, I started clearing through some of that stuff with the idea that some of the items I would take to my workplace and sell it to them for a small profit. One thing that I had TONS of that I wanted to get rid of...several Vera Bradley bags and purses. After clearing through and deciding to only keep about 7 Veras, I took the rest to work...and ended up getting paid more than I thought I would. As I was driving home that day from bringing those items in, I started thinking. My Vera Bradley obsession began while I was in college. My sophomore year of college, I joined a sorority, and it seemed like EVERY girl in that sorority was a Vera lover. I made it to my senior year of college without buying a Vera (we did a Vera sale with the sorority at one point...and I was a little scared to see that most of the purses cost about half of my current pay of my part-time job on campus). Finally, sometime during senior year, one of the girls in the sorority ended up telling me that if I didn't buy myself a Vera before I graduated, that she was going to either give or buy one for me. (So...of course cheap-o me opted to not buy one!). That Christmas time, as my mom was looking for ideas for Christmas, I asked for a Vera purse. And now...every Christmas since...my mom has gotten me some kind of Vera purse.
Driving home after my Vera selling adventure I realized something. I had been using a brand of purses to try to "fit in" with a group of girls. I remember shortly after graduating from college, I had stopped at the same store I now work at and bought an almost-new Vera at a pretty cheap price. I was all excited and posted my "steal" on Facebook. And was pretty sad when not a single person "liked" my status.
As I've looked at some of the other items in my wardrobe and in my room...I've started to realize that some of the items I've held on to because somewhere in my brain, I think that if I just kept it long enough...maybe life would go back to an easier time. Before hormones. Before this hurt or that issue. If I just kept those purses...maybe all of my friends in college would become extremely close to me again! If I hold on to this shirt that no longer fits...maybe I'll be able to fit into it and look more like I did when I was a freshman in high school. If I lose enough weight and can fit back into that old dance costume...maybe I'll be able to go back to the days where 6 hours of dance classes a week were doable!
It's funny how many analogies about life I can make from things I've learned at this job. For example, most of the items we have in our store get an ink tag censor on them. In recent weeks, there's been a lot of discussions amongst us employees because there are some items that get a censor that are too thin, and actually end up with holes and tears due to the censor. Something that's meant to be a good thing to the garment, now has a hole. And...as many sewers and seamstresses could tell you...there are some things that can be "fixed". But...there are some holes that will permanently change a piece of clothing. It won't go back to the way we were. I see that in my life sometimes. I've tried to "censor" parts of my life...and due to hurts and past failures, there's a little hole. You can try all you want to cover it up, fix it, and sew it. But...it will never go away. It's always there. I think that's what some of my material possessions are becoming. If I could just fit into that top...maybe it will cover up the weeks and months of depression, hurt, and drowning myself in chocolate and Cheez-Its. If I could just fit back into that dress...maybe it would erase the hurtful words of that one friend. But...much like some of our items at work...it's never going to go back to that way. And sometimes...not having those things fit again is actually a sign of change!
So...my sophomore year of college, I bought myself this cute dress. I bought it at Fashion Bug (which...by the way...is pretty much out of business...or at least not in our area anymore). I wanted a new dress for Easter, and I also was going to my sorority's spring formal. That dress managed to be a good one for both of those events. I still had the dress (up until a couple weeks ago). For the last 2 years, I've been working to fit back into that dress as much as possible. I mean...in the years since I bought that dress, I've been through my fair share of hardships, changes, anxiety, depression, and the occasional over-eating. All those things have taken a toll on my body. I would work out, try to eat right, even became a Zumba instructor and began teaching my own class. And everytime I put that dress on...I still could not get the zipper to go all the way up! I finally stopped trying and decided to get rid of the dress once and for all after making a pretty big discovery. I could zip the dress up past my belly and my gut. The issue? The zipper wouldn't make it past my CHEST! Now...unless I'm the opposite of the Grinch and my heart is 2 sizes too big instead of 2 sizes too small...somewhere between age 19 or 20 when I bought that dress and now at age 26...my boobs had gotten bigger! Here it was that I thought the dress wouldn't fit because of my past...when really...that dress wouldn't fit because I have GROWN (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) because of natural causes.
As I've been clearing through some of the items in my room, I've started trying to ask myself about something. Each item that I am tempted to keep, I ask myself "is this an item that expresses me now...or is this an item that I'm holding on to...hoping that somehow my life will go back to an earlier time when things seemed easier?" One of my more recent goals is to get rid of a bunch of stuff from college. Not gonna lie...the majority of my non-dressy items have advertisements for either church, college, or the sorority. My goal has been over the last few weeks to try to get rid of some of those items and bring in new items. A couple years after graduating from college, I started to realize something about myself. I spent 4 or more years of college trying to "define" myself and painting a picture of myself...but my definition and picture was not the same as God's. All the way through college, I tried to tell everyone who I am...and failing. Because my description and definition were not God's. It wasn't until a couple years after college that I began seeing that. In the last 2 years or so, God has brought some of the most amazing people into my life. But there's something different about these people. They start seeing something different about me. If you go back to a couple of my older posts, you may see something about when I lived in NC. One of the things from living in NC that still has me baffled to today is what happened about 6 months after I moved there. I had been feeling like God was calling me to the missions field, but amongst other struggles I was having in NC, I don't really remember ever telling many people about that plan or goal. But about 6 months after living in NC, one of the guys from my Life Group randomly (or at least it seemed like that to me) asked me one day if I saw myself eventually living in another country. For pretty much the rest of of the time I was in NC, that person would keep asking me questions about if or when I was going to be moving over seas. The weird part is...except a couple random comments...I don't really remember saying much to my friends in NC about my missions trip to Thailand or my thoughts and dreams of missions work. So...I've started wondering how this person managed to figure that out and start asking me about it? Short of going too crazy about it...I've decided the answer is God. North Carolina was the first time I really think that "College Bethany" had worn off...and "God's Bethany" was starting to shine through.
I've been in my current job for almost a year. And the longer I stay here, the more I've realized just the amazing group of people that God has put in my life during this leg of my journey. Growing up, I've never been much for style and fashion. I've always been a pretty simple girl. In my opinion, as long as I have a pair of black pants and a pair of jeans...I can almost always turn one top into two different outfits. It's been funny to think about my style growing up. When I was in elementary school...I wore dresses almost every day...and got teased relentlessly for it. Once I hit middle school, navy blue was my color of choice (also was one of our school's colors...so it was like a 2-for-1 special!) and my "normal" outfit was: jeans, t-shirt, socks and tennis shoes, a hoodie, and my hair in a pony tail. When I got into college, I started doing a hybrid of the two styles...sometimes wearing jeans and hoodies...other times dressing up (I still stayed away from the dresses...except for special occasions). I've never really thought I had a style (unless "cheap" is a style?). But over the last couple months at my job...the ladies I work with have started to figure out my style. Just last week, one of the girls noticed I have been wearing a lot of dresses (calling it my "one-piece-wonder"...still not sure if I said that or not...lol) in bright colors. She had started to see my style...and knew my size (probably a dangerous combination) and had a dress pretty much in my size she thought I'd like and ended up giving it to me for free.
The thing is...I don't think some of the people that God's put in my life just understand my style on the outside...they get my "style" on the inside. I've learned in many different ways how God knows us beyond just what's on the outside (he knows the number of hairs on our head the Bible says). How much of the time is what we put on the outside a reflection of what our "style" is on the inside? I think about where I've been in the last few years of my life and where I am now. Brightly colored dresses are one of my new favorites. I don't think I'm enjoying those dresses for their one-piece-wonder appeal or to counteract the grey rainy skies in NW Ohio. Maybe...wearing those bright colored dresses...are my way of expressing the bright colors that are starting to appear within my inside "style". Last summer, I decided to chop my hair and dyed it. It's been over 8 weeks since my last hair appointment, and I've decided to start growing my hair out again and not coloring it. Over the last few weeks, I've not felt a need to change my hair color so that people can understand the change that is happening on the outside. If they see the change...that's great. If not...their loss not mine.
As I wait for my calling to my next chapter in life...I am working on finding ways to express the "new" Bethany. Why continue to carry "college Bethany" around? It's just added weight that I don't need. If God calls me to a job half-way across the country...do I REALLY want to be carrying memories from Tiffin, Ohio and Heidelberg University with me? Or do I want to lose that baggage and replace it with memories of the new-found friends I have made now? Do I really want to drag my memories from Elmore, Ohio and Woodmore High School to a new state and a new adventure? Even realizing that I didn't re-commit my life to Christ until AFTER high school? Will there be room in the U-Haul for all of that among all my single-living apartment items? Or won't it make more sense to cherish these memories and the people that see me for my inside "style"...and not just my outside "style"?
Let me end this post with a prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you for the amazing people that you've put in my life along this journey. Thank you for finding me the people that won't just offer me new clothes (and a little bit of peer pressure to buy them), but also the people that can make suggestions for my inside "style". Lord, as I (kind of anxiously) await what you will do in my life next, may I continue to remember that you've already provided so much for me right where I am. And Lord, help me to stop dragging along the older versions of Bethany from high school and college. The newer Bethany is so much prettier, smarter, and better than those! I pray, Lord Jesus, that over the coming days and weeks, that I can continue to work on getting rid of the Bethany I hoped I would become, the Bethany I wanted to be, and the Bethany that was just trying to fit in...and start embracing me as the Bethany that you've created me to be. And, Lord, I pray that anyone that reads this blog...even if they may not understand all of my inside jokes and thoughts...would be able to be touched by this message in some way. And now Lord as I get ready to go about the rest of my day, I pray that you'd send blessing and protection to all of those near and dear to my heart.
In your name I pray...
(and all God's children say...)
Amen
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Hey Look...you can follow me now!
This will be short, I promise.
So...when I started this whole blogging idea...I obviously didn't really know what I was doing! I set up the blog (well...at least the writing portion)...and mostly just shared a link for it via Facebook. Now, two years later...and absolutely NO ONE informing me that there is no way to follow my blog...I have finally figured out what the issue is. Haha...silly me. I actually had to ADD a button so that people can follow me!
So...if you'd like to follow this blog (which I'm starting to think about getting a little more regular at posting in), you have a couple options. If you are a part of Google Plus, you can add me through there (I'm still learning as I go, though...so if that capability is still not quite available...someone please let me know). There's something about Google Plus on the side of the screen when I look at my blog...I think you can follow from there? If you click the icon at the bottom of the blog (1+ icon), you can share the blog with others (I guess once you start following it yourself?). Or...if you don't want to bother with Google Plus...enter your email at the top of this blog and every time I update, you will get an email. Not gonna lie...I signed my own email up for the email alerts. Not sure if you get just an alert or the full blog sent to your email. But I'll find out as soon as I push the "Publish" button.
Oh the joys of ever-changing technology!
So...when I started this whole blogging idea...I obviously didn't really know what I was doing! I set up the blog (well...at least the writing portion)...and mostly just shared a link for it via Facebook. Now, two years later...and absolutely NO ONE informing me that there is no way to follow my blog...I have finally figured out what the issue is. Haha...silly me. I actually had to ADD a button so that people can follow me!
So...if you'd like to follow this blog (which I'm starting to think about getting a little more regular at posting in), you have a couple options. If you are a part of Google Plus, you can add me through there (I'm still learning as I go, though...so if that capability is still not quite available...someone please let me know). There's something about Google Plus on the side of the screen when I look at my blog...I think you can follow from there? If you click the icon at the bottom of the blog (1+ icon), you can share the blog with others (I guess once you start following it yourself?). Or...if you don't want to bother with Google Plus...enter your email at the top of this blog and every time I update, you will get an email. Not gonna lie...I signed my own email up for the email alerts. Not sure if you get just an alert or the full blog sent to your email. But I'll find out as soon as I push the "Publish" button.
Oh the joys of ever-changing technology!
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