Over the last few weeks and months, I've had this feeling happening in my heart and in my soul. This feeling that maybe, just maybe, God is preparing me for a new path, a new direction, and potentially a new state! And as I said in an earlier post...no...I don't really have any "great" news to talk about. But somewhere in my soul, I just feel like something HUGE is coming my way. And...as (at least a portion) of the title of a song by Crystal Lewis says..."People get ready!" So over the last few weeks and months, I've been trying to do a few things to possibly get ready for this big move. Now...don't get me wrong. I haven't gotten any messages from God to completely sell everything I own for Him. But...there's something to be said about getting rid of some items that have just been collecting up dust for several years. Not gonna lie...at the same time, I see a practical reason to start cleaning up (besides a possible move in my future). I have too much STUFF.
To catch some up to speed a bit...last fall, I took a job at a retail store that specializes in buying your old stuff and reselling it. Yes, retail. I went from a career where my first job was to tell kids why they even needed to learn anything beyond 2+2, to a job where I (at least should) be trying to talk people into why they NEED that new shirt. Not gonna lie...I've never been much of a retail person myself. I took the job with the thought that this position would get me through maybe 6 months or so of employment as I began working on a master's degree, and then I'd find something full time and be gone. It's been nearly a year...and I'm still here. For the past several months, I have been looking for full time employment. As of the interview I did last week...that was the first interview I'd even been offered in 6 months. Surprisingly, though, this job has taught me some very surprising lessons.
So...in about April, I decided to start cleaning out my room. I mean...not gonna lie...many items I own I've had since college, moved from college back to home, moved from Ohio to North Carolina, and then moved back from NC to Ohio...and it is still there. So in March and April, I started clearing through some of that stuff with the idea that some of the items I would take to my workplace and sell it to them for a small profit. One thing that I had TONS of that I wanted to get rid of...several Vera Bradley bags and purses. After clearing through and deciding to only keep about 7 Veras, I took the rest to work...and ended up getting paid more than I thought I would. As I was driving home that day from bringing those items in, I started thinking. My Vera Bradley obsession began while I was in college. My sophomore year of college, I joined a sorority, and it seemed like EVERY girl in that sorority was a Vera lover. I made it to my senior year of college without buying a Vera (we did a Vera sale with the sorority at one point...and I was a little scared to see that most of the purses cost about half of my current pay of my part-time job on campus). Finally, sometime during senior year, one of the girls in the sorority ended up telling me that if I didn't buy myself a Vera before I graduated, that she was going to either give or buy one for me. (So...of course cheap-o me opted to not buy one!). That Christmas time, as my mom was looking for ideas for Christmas, I asked for a Vera purse. And now...every Christmas since...my mom has gotten me some kind of Vera purse.
Driving home after my Vera selling adventure I realized something. I had been using a brand of purses to try to "fit in" with a group of girls. I remember shortly after graduating from college, I had stopped at the same store I now work at and bought an almost-new Vera at a pretty cheap price. I was all excited and posted my "steal" on Facebook. And was pretty sad when not a single person "liked" my status.
As I've looked at some of the other items in my wardrobe and in my room...I've started to realize that some of the items I've held on to because somewhere in my brain, I think that if I just kept it long enough...maybe life would go back to an easier time. Before hormones. Before this hurt or that issue. If I just kept those purses...maybe all of my friends in college would become extremely close to me again! If I hold on to this shirt that no longer fits...maybe I'll be able to fit into it and look more like I did when I was a freshman in high school. If I lose enough weight and can fit back into that old dance costume...maybe I'll be able to go back to the days where 6 hours of dance classes a week were doable!
It's funny how many analogies about life I can make from things I've learned at this job. For example, most of the items we have in our store get an ink tag censor on them. In recent weeks, there's been a lot of discussions amongst us employees because there are some items that get a censor that are too thin, and actually end up with holes and tears due to the censor. Something that's meant to be a good thing to the garment, now has a hole. And...as many sewers and seamstresses could tell you...there are some things that can be "fixed". But...there are some holes that will permanently change a piece of clothing. It won't go back to the way we were. I see that in my life sometimes. I've tried to "censor" parts of my life...and due to hurts and past failures, there's a little hole. You can try all you want to cover it up, fix it, and sew it. But...it will never go away. It's always there. I think that's what some of my material possessions are becoming. If I could just fit into that top...maybe it will cover up the weeks and months of depression, hurt, and drowning myself in chocolate and Cheez-Its. If I could just fit back into that dress...maybe it would erase the hurtful words of that one friend. But...much like some of our items at work...it's never going to go back to that way. And sometimes...not having those things fit again is actually a sign of change!
So...my sophomore year of college, I bought myself this cute dress. I bought it at Fashion Bug (which...by the way...is pretty much out of business...or at least not in our area anymore). I wanted a new dress for Easter, and I also was going to my sorority's spring formal. That dress managed to be a good one for both of those events. I still had the dress (up until a couple weeks ago). For the last 2 years, I've been working to fit back into that dress as much as possible. I mean...in the years since I bought that dress, I've been through my fair share of hardships, changes, anxiety, depression, and the occasional over-eating. All those things have taken a toll on my body. I would work out, try to eat right, even became a Zumba instructor and began teaching my own class. And everytime I put that dress on...I still could not get the zipper to go all the way up! I finally stopped trying and decided to get rid of the dress once and for all after making a pretty big discovery. I could zip the dress up past my belly and my gut. The issue? The zipper wouldn't make it past my CHEST! Now...unless I'm the opposite of the Grinch and my heart is 2 sizes too big instead of 2 sizes too small...somewhere between age 19 or 20 when I bought that dress and now at age 26...my boobs had gotten bigger! Here it was that I thought the dress wouldn't fit because of my past...when really...that dress wouldn't fit because I have GROWN (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) because of natural causes.
As I've been clearing through some of the items in my room, I've started trying to ask myself about something. Each item that I am tempted to keep, I ask myself "is this an item that expresses me now...or is this an item that I'm holding on to...hoping that somehow my life will go back to an earlier time when things seemed easier?" One of my more recent goals is to get rid of a bunch of stuff from college. Not gonna lie...the majority of my non-dressy items have advertisements for either church, college, or the sorority. My goal has been over the last few weeks to try to get rid of some of those items and bring in new items. A couple years after graduating from college, I started to realize something about myself. I spent 4 or more years of college trying to "define" myself and painting a picture of myself...but my definition and picture was not the same as God's. All the way through college, I tried to tell everyone who I am...and failing. Because my description and definition were not God's. It wasn't until a couple years after college that I began seeing that. In the last 2 years or so, God has brought some of the most amazing people into my life. But there's something different about these people. They start seeing something different about me. If you go back to a couple of my older posts, you may see something about when I lived in NC. One of the things from living in NC that still has me baffled to today is what happened about 6 months after I moved there. I had been feeling like God was calling me to the missions field, but amongst other struggles I was having in NC, I don't really remember ever telling many people about that plan or goal. But about 6 months after living in NC, one of the guys from my Life Group randomly (or at least it seemed like that to me) asked me one day if I saw myself eventually living in another country. For pretty much the rest of of the time I was in NC, that person would keep asking me questions about if or when I was going to be moving over seas. The weird part is...except a couple random comments...I don't really remember saying much to my friends in NC about my missions trip to Thailand or my thoughts and dreams of missions work. So...I've started wondering how this person managed to figure that out and start asking me about it? Short of going too crazy about it...I've decided the answer is God. North Carolina was the first time I really think that "College Bethany" had worn off...and "God's Bethany" was starting to shine through.
I've been in my current job for almost a year. And the longer I stay here, the more I've realized just the amazing group of people that God has put in my life during this leg of my journey. Growing up, I've never been much for style and fashion. I've always been a pretty simple girl. In my opinion, as long as I have a pair of black pants and a pair of jeans...I can almost always turn one top into two different outfits. It's been funny to think about my style growing up. When I was in elementary school...I wore dresses almost every day...and got teased relentlessly for it. Once I hit middle school, navy blue was my color of choice (also was one of our school's colors...so it was like a 2-for-1 special!) and my "normal" outfit was: jeans, t-shirt, socks and tennis shoes, a hoodie, and my hair in a pony tail. When I got into college, I started doing a hybrid of the two styles...sometimes wearing jeans and hoodies...other times dressing up (I still stayed away from the dresses...except for special occasions). I've never really thought I had a style (unless "cheap" is a style?). But over the last couple months at my job...the ladies I work with have started to figure out my style. Just last week, one of the girls noticed I have been wearing a lot of dresses (calling it my "one-piece-wonder"...still not sure if I said that or not...lol) in bright colors. She had started to see my style...and knew my size (probably a dangerous combination) and had a dress pretty much in my size she thought I'd like and ended up giving it to me for free.
The thing is...I don't think some of the people that God's put in my life just understand my style on the outside...they get my "style" on the inside. I've learned in many different ways how God knows us beyond just what's on the outside (he knows the number of hairs on our head the Bible says). How much of the time is what we put on the outside a reflection of what our "style" is on the inside? I think about where I've been in the last few years of my life and where I am now. Brightly colored dresses are one of my new favorites. I don't think I'm enjoying those dresses for their one-piece-wonder appeal or to counteract the grey rainy skies in NW Ohio. Maybe...wearing those bright colored dresses...are my way of expressing the bright colors that are starting to appear within my inside "style". Last summer, I decided to chop my hair and dyed it. It's been over 8 weeks since my last hair appointment, and I've decided to start growing my hair out again and not coloring it. Over the last few weeks, I've not felt a need to change my hair color so that people can understand the change that is happening on the outside. If they see the change...that's great. If not...their loss not mine.
As I wait for my calling to my next chapter in life...I am working on finding ways to express the "new" Bethany. Why continue to carry "college Bethany" around? It's just added weight that I don't need. If God calls me to a job half-way across the country...do I REALLY want to be carrying memories from Tiffin, Ohio and Heidelberg University with me? Or do I want to lose that baggage and replace it with memories of the new-found friends I have made now? Do I really want to drag my memories from Elmore, Ohio and Woodmore High School to a new state and a new adventure? Even realizing that I didn't re-commit my life to Christ until AFTER high school? Will there be room in the U-Haul for all of that among all my single-living apartment items? Or won't it make more sense to cherish these memories and the people that see me for my inside "style"...and not just my outside "style"?
Let me end this post with a prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you for the amazing people that you've put in my life along this journey. Thank you for finding me the people that won't just offer me new clothes (and a little bit of peer pressure to buy them), but also the people that can make suggestions for my inside "style". Lord, as I (kind of anxiously) await what you will do in my life next, may I continue to remember that you've already provided so much for me right where I am. And Lord, help me to stop dragging along the older versions of Bethany from high school and college. The newer Bethany is so much prettier, smarter, and better than those! I pray, Lord Jesus, that over the coming days and weeks, that I can continue to work on getting rid of the Bethany I hoped I would become, the Bethany I wanted to be, and the Bethany that was just trying to fit in...and start embracing me as the Bethany that you've created me to be. And, Lord, I pray that anyone that reads this blog...even if they may not understand all of my inside jokes and thoughts...would be able to be touched by this message in some way. And now Lord as I get ready to go about the rest of my day, I pray that you'd send blessing and protection to all of those near and dear to my heart.
In your name I pray...
(and all God's children say...)
Amen
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