Well...we'll see if we even get to talking about Thailand today. Ever since my first blog post, I've been excited to blog again and have been thinking of multiple ideas of what I can blog about next. The Thailand story will take a good deal of time, but there's been other things happening in the last few days that I wanted to touch basis on first. We'll just start working on this and see where everything goes. My Thailand memories will still be in my memory even if I don't get to blogging about it this time around.
What the Future Holds
For the past several months, I've been going through a very crazy time of figuring out where I should be and what I should be doing. As I mentioned in my last post, I quit my teaching job that brought me here to NC back in February. I then started working at an upscale resale shop, but short of winning the lottery or having a wealthy relative die (which I am NOT wishing upon....don't get the wrong idea)...finances are becoming an issue. My mom's began helping me pay each months' bills...but that's only doing so much. And I'm still just barely scraping what I need. I realized at church this past weekend as we were getting the updated numbers from our giving campaign...that it's been a little while since I last tithed at church. In my mind, the "ironic" part of this...is that I went through Dave Ransey's "Financial Peace University" back in September/October. When I got the job with CMS...that was officially the most money I had ever seen in my LIFE and was afraid I was going to fritter it away and forget to pay the bills. I went through that class trying to figure out what to do about my WEALTH. However, now that I think of it, I may need to go back through my materials and see what Dave says about moving 500 miles away, still single, and resigning from your job. However, I also have another book by Suze Orman called "The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke" which, just by the title, sounds like a better description of where I am now.
So for the past few months, the big question has been playing through my head...what do I do now? When I originally resigned from my position at CMS, I was 100% against moving back to Ohio. Not that I don't love my family...but I've been a little spoiled now of living on my own. I was willing to do pretty much ANYTHING to stay in NC and not move back to Ohio. I was using my Life Group and my church as my reasons why. I didn't see any reason to move back to Ohio. When I had moved here to NC...I was more than ready to go. I had parted ways with many friends, I had no job, no boyfriend, and even my church was going through some big changes. In my mind, there was nothing holding me in Ohio...accept me and my ego. But this time, it seemed different. As I've thought and prayed over it the last few days and weeks, I finally admitted something to myself yesterday that I hadn't really been ready to spill out. I'm lonely. Yes, I have a wonderful church and a great Life Group...but they all still have real lives as well. Me? I have a few too many lonely nights. I think that's why recently I've taken to staying up to almost 3 a.m. or later at times. My friends are found through games on Facebook and Netflix during those times. A week or so ago, I finished watching the "Hannah Montana" series on Netflix. Although the last couple episodes WERE somewhat sad...I realized yesterday that part of the reason why I had started crying at the end of that series was because I had seen Miley Cyrus more times in a 2-week period than I had anyone else. Same was true back in October...only instead of Miley, it was Emily Deschanel (who plays Dr. Brennan on "Bones"). It really is like losing your best friend. You get so tied up in the lives of these people when you watch a series like that...that eventually you begin to feel like you're part of it. So it's pretty devastating when it ends. The bottom line, though...I'm lonely. I was even the one who had already decided that if I do stay in NC another year, regardless of what the extra cost would be...I wanted to get a puppy.
I've known a fact about myself for a long time. I know that something isn't right with my life or current situation when I start day-dreaming of things/people/events that would make the situation "better". For example...when I was in college, I really didn't like going to parties or bars. However, whenever I did go, I'd start coming up with crazy scenarios of who could crash the party or do something else to make it more interesting. Or after I finished student teaching, I was asked out on a date by a guy that I really wasn't interested in. In the midst of this date...my mind was reeling with ideas like 1.) running into friends in Toledo or 2.) drinking a few too many of the advertised alcohol specials. (Use your imagination to figure out how either of those would get me away from my date.) Yes...my scenarios get a little evil at times. But on the flip side, there's also been events that have happened that I play through my head just as they happened because they were PERFECT and I'd love to be able to relive them over and over and over again.
The whole reason I just admitted about my day dreaming...is because I think that's been what's been happening lately. Remember how I posted all about those dreams in my last post of doubling up my life and being an author, actress, dancer, singer, or anything else? It's the loneliness setting in. I'm spending time dreaming of a life I'm not living, than enjoying the life I have. And when I start doing that, in my mind it means that I'm really not finding true JOY in what I'm doing.
So over the past few weeks, I've considered looking at other areas for jobs. And just in the last few days, I've also looked again at going to grad school. I'm still not overly thrilled of the idea of moving back to Ohio. But I've started looking at Virginia as a possibility. I have relatives that live in VA, so if needed...I'd have either free or cheap room and board. My aunt sent me a text yesterday about the Suffolk, VA schools hiring, and I was able to apply for a job or two with them. And just today, I considered that if I was looking into VA, I may as well look into grad school there as well. I requested information on 2 different graduate programs through Liberty University today. I've looked at Liberty for a few reasons. First...I found that they actually offer residential grad programs (meaning you can live on campus). That's what I originally looked at. But as I'm writing this...I also came up with a different thought. The same program I'm interested in is offered as an online program. So...(this is just a dream scenario)...what if...I apply for the online program and move to VA with relatives? That way...I can also hold some form of a job while I work on my masters...and I won't have the pressures of all the rent/internet/utilities payments. And I believe...my undergrad loans should be able to be put on hold for a while. The program at Liberty I'm looking at is called (and I'm quoting this from Liberty) the "Masters of Divinity with a cognate in Missional Studies". The next big question: how exactly would that help me with my hopes of becoming a missionary.
And with that thought in mind...this blog post is done. Thailand will be discussed at a later time.
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