Lessons From Inside the Fish

Strange name for a blog post. But (hopefully) by the end of this post...it will make sense.

But first...the moment everyone has been waiting for...my BIG news!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, this has been something that I've been praying about for some many weeks and months. I've had others praying about it too. And in my heart and in my soul, I have been feeling and knowing that somehow, sometime, God was going to do something HUGE. I just didn't know what. Or when. So now...here's the REST of the story...about how this came about (and eventually...I'll explain where the fish reference comes from).

As noted earlier in this blog...things have been quite hairy for a while. At the end of the 2013-2014 school year, I had finished working a job in Toledo as a 5th grade teacher. As seems to be the story of my life more recently...things didn't quite work out the way I wanted them to. Ever since entering college to become a teacher, I've always had the thought in my mind that I'd want to teach the upper elementary grades...4th or 5th...maybe 6th. In the state of Ohio, though, the only way to accomplish that (or at least back in 2007 when I entered college and declared a major) is to go into middle school...which covers grades 4-9. I never wanted to teach "middle school" just the upper elementary. Fifth grade in Toledo seemed about right. But I struggled through that position. By the end of that year, I was beat. I felt like I'd failed. I felt like somehow I must have missed all the big DON'T DO IT signs in my life through college. And with my hopes and dreams still in ESL and going back to Thailand, I made the assumption that maybe...that was God's sign that it was time for me to get OUT of the teaching field.

So I chased down my next dream. To go to grad school and work on that masters in ESL. Everything seemed perfect...if it just worked out my way. Well...as I said was my luck...things didn't go quite my way. I never found the full time job I was hoping to find that would help pay my way through grad school. I was able to afford the first semester from the money I'd saved while working my last teaching job. But...without a full time position...there was not much chance I'd be making the payment to continue in the spring. I applied for jobs last summer...and was met many times with the cruel luck that I'd get so far into an application process...sometimes even just a couple steps away from a life-changing position...and then it would fall apart. It happened several times. I finally took on a part time retail position to at least be able to pay my car payment and insurance. I gave myself the prayer that "if this is something God wants me to do...He'll provide the way". He didn't provide the way. A few days before I was to start my second class of the spring semester, I emailed my advisors at the college and told them I had to withdraw from my second class due to not having enough money to pay for the class.

With grad school now out of the question...I started getting more "creative" of sorts with my job search. In my mind...staying in NW Ohio to attend grad school was somewhat limiting my job possibilities. Without grad school in the picture...the majority of the rest of the US opened up as potential places to look for jobs. Desperately searching for ANYTHING (but trying to stay out of education...at least in the "normal" sense) I started applying. I had looked into a couple online masters programs...mostly in higher education. So...at first I started my search in colleges and universities. Nothing. Not even one interview offer. After giving up on that option, I started looking a little more directly into the missions field. I looked into several missions organizations...nothing. I emailed the director of Asia's Hope...the organization that helps run the orphanages that our church supports...some nice advice...but no job offers. I turned my attention to other states. My mom's sister still had offered to help house me if I found a job near her in Virginia...or I was pretty sure my grandfather would do the same thing in his area. Nothing. One job I even offered to come in for an interview during vacation. Never heard from them. Feeling a bit defeated...I turned to North Carolina and started applying for jobs there....assuming I didn't move back to Charlotte...I would be able to afford to move there. Again...nothing. THEN I got the great idea to start applying for jobs in the children's ministry area at several churches. Many of those positions required no more than a bachelor's degree and several years of experience. I had a bachelor's in education and had been attending Grace for more than 10 years. Surely...THAT would get me something? I did get offered one or two interviews. But in the end...nothing.

And all this job searching was going on while I was working a part time retail job. Some days not even sure if or how I'd be able to afford to pay my car payment or insurance. Money was tight. I know as a Christian that money shouldn't be that big of an issue. But I'm not sure where to look in the Bible to find the answers for a "26 year old with a 4-year degree, living in her parents basement".

At the end of July, we went on vacation. One extremely glorious vacation. You see...jealousy and I had become pretty good buds recently. Somehow, in the year 2015, my mom has managed to go traveling I think 4 times since this year began. Me? My last vacation was last July when I went to go visit my relatives on my own. For the last 365 days, I had not left Ohio. As mom went to Thailand, the Outer Banks, a cruise, and to Virginia...I was kind of jealous. As a part time retail employee...I don't really get a "vacation" time. Basically...I can take a vacation...but it goes completely unpaid. I just don't get paid for a week. So...don't want to do that too many times. But I was desparate to get out of Ohio. So...I requested off a week for vacation between the end of July and beginning of August to go to Virginia to visit relatives.

It was a fun trip. But every night...I was back at it with applying for jobs. I remember at one point, before heading to bed at my grandpa's house...ending the night in tears. It seemed like every job...in every state...that I looked up had nothing. In frustration...I started praying...telling God "I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of doing this my way. What could your way possibly be?"

In the car on the way back to Ohio from VA, I again was searching for jobs. And I came across a job on Indeed.com. It was a teaching position...at a Christian school in the same county I live in. The job was almost a month old, so I had no idea if they were still even hiring for that position. As much as I didn't really want to look again into teaching, I thought that maybe if I found a good school...or just a different school...that things would be different. However, before I could even apply for that position...I had another hurdle to jump. My teaching license had expired. I had looked it up earlier (before it expired) on what to do to renew my license. Long story short...for the teaching license that I have, my only option was to extend the license for free for one year...or spend $80 to extend it for 2 more years. Sitting in the car, using what was left of my phone's battery power, I put in my application to the DOE in Ohio to do the 2 year extension (finding out along the way that somehow I had a $20 credit...so it only cost me $60). My application was approved less than an hour later.

When I got home from vacation...I applied for the position. Nothing. But that began my search again into teaching again. As I told my sweet assistant manager later...I started wondering...what if a career switch never was God's intended plan for my life? What if that was just me trying to make my life a little more comfy? What if God had always intended for me to stay in the education field? So I began my teaching job search again.

After one not-so-great day, I ended up applying for 4 jobs in one night. 1 job was for another higher education position at a local college, 1 was for a charter school I had actually applied for the summer I moved home from NC, the last 2 was for the same family of schools...but 2 jobs at 2 different locations. The next day I had 3 voicemails. Both of the schools from the same family had called me for an interview. I scheduled one interview for that Thursday and one for that Friday. I felt pretty good about the one on Thursday. But the one on Friday I went in for the interview...and they offered me the job while I was there!

For the last 2 weeks, I have been working 2 jobs...working my last 2 weeks as a part time retail employee, and putting in as many hours as possible trying to get things ready for a new teaching position. The cool thing about this school is that it specializes in teaching children with disabilities. And...it is a co-teaching position. I have an Instructional Aide working with me to provide smaller group settings to give my students more personal attention.


As I go looking back on this past year...that may not have been what I thought it would be...I started wondering. WHY did that even happen? If I was never intended to leave teaching....WHY did God let me stray for so long...before handing me another job...yet again...in record time?

For the last year or so...I have found the story of Jonah quite encouraging. A couple years ago, after moving back from NC, I actually had the hopes and plans to speak at my college alma mater's Christian organization. When asked what I'd talk about...I had loosely come up with a slight parallel of my life to Jonah's. But now...it seems even more obvious to me than before.

Now, before I go on to my parallel between me and Jonah, I'd like to throw a disclaimer that I don't always have the BEST Biblical knowledge. So...some of my thoughts and ideas may be slightly off. Also...for some Biblical references...my best knowledge comes from VeggieTales or other children's lessons. So some of my information may be a little...juvenile?

So...for a recap...the Sunday School version of the story of Jonah goes something like this. God had asked Jonah to go to a certain city to teach. Jonah didn't like that city...and decided not to do that. And walked in the exact opposite direction. He eventually hopped on a boat...with plans on going in a completely different direction. But a storm came. To lighten the load, the people on the boat started throwing things over. When that didn't help, they decided that OBVIOUSLY...someone had made their god very mad and that's why they were in such a pickle of an issue. So they cast lots (I actually heard a story of this from Adventures in Odyssey while driving back from VA...casting lots is a really weird thing). Guess who..."won"? Jonah! And they tossed him over the side of the boat. God sent a big fish to swallow him and he stayed there for a few days. And after those days were over, the fish spit Jonah back up onto dry land. And this time when God told Jonah to go...he went where he was supposed to go.

I think in my life...I've experienced this same idea...but not a legit "fish". God has used some chapters in my life to redirect me. For example...I think that my year in North Carolina was a "fish". I don't really know if a future in North Carolina was ever the intentions for my life. I sometimes wonder if I was so desperate for a job...that when the opportunity arose to also move FAR FAR AWAY from Ohio...I jumped on it. I sometimes wonder if I hadn't taken that job in NC and just stayed in Ohio...how things would be different? I turned away, I tried, I cast my lots...and lost...and 365 days later...God plopped me right back into the middle of NW Ohio.

But really...I think this past year was another time of redirection. This time...literally...I think I turned my back on what God had asked. I have the wonderful spiritual gift of teaching...and after a couple failed attempts...decided to do something else. My "boat" I hopped on...was grad school. I cast my lots about staying in grad school...and lost my own bet. But in a strange way...God sent this sweet little retail job as my "fish". And after several months...where did I get "spit" back up to...teaching!

In my own way...I believe that just as God sent a legit fish to keep Jonah safe...He's also used NC and now this retail job for the last year...as "fish" in my life. There are a few lessons I've learned from these two experiences...that I think Jonah also experienced while in the fish.

Here are my "Lessons from Inside the Fish":

1. It's Safe.

Jonah was in a fish while in the middle of a sea. He was safe. In North Carolina, I was in my own "sea"...of trying to figure out what to do about a job. But I was safe within the sweet people that God had put in my life at the time...my life group. And in this past  year...again...I was in a "sea" of financial and career-related uncertainties...but I was safe. When life was going crazy, I was in a safe place that God had strategically placed me in.

2. It May Stink.

For Jonah...literally. I don't really even like to eat fish...let alone live inside one for a few days. In both North Carolina...and this last year...I've been in some "stinky" situations between jobs and finances. Things seemed kind of stinky.

3. It Won't Last Forever

For Jonah...it was 3 days. For me...it was a year (each time). But out of 26 years of life...that isn't too bad. And it wasn't forever.

4. It Will Eventually Lead Back to God's Plan

Probably one of the biggest things I've learned over the last few years is trusting in God's plan. Everything happens for a reason...because God has it all under control. Why did I have to move 600 miles away from home, completely uproot myself...even find a new church....just to come right back a year later? Couldn't there have been an easier way for God to redirect me? Probably. But that was all part of God's plan. And why did God let me walk away from teaching, take on a retail job...just to plop me back into the teaching world again? Why couldn't I have just gotten a new teaching job last summer and skipped this past year? Not sure...but it was still all part of God's plan.


Friends, let me leave you with some words of encouragement. No matter what you may be going through...if it's what you thought you'd be doing or not...is not happening by chance. God has a bigger plan. Things will get better...this time won't last forever. And it's all part of His plan. It may stink...but you're safe where you are. Take some lessons from Jonah as he was sitting all alone in a fish. Perhaps the situation God has you in now...was the only way he was able to get your attention to redirect your path? Chin up, buttercup...God has you RIGHT where he wants you.

When History Repeats

I've always had a knack for history, especially family history. And over the last few weeks, I've gotten to get a nice peak at how sweet history can be.

Within my family, extended family has always been an interesting topic to discuss. My dad is originally from New Mexico. My mom is originally from Virginia. We live in Ohio. Growing up, I didn't have the "traditional" grandparent experience that many of my classmates and friends had. While many were able to go to grandma's house whenever...sometimes grandma even lived next door or down the street...traveling to visit my grandparents was a LONG excursion...that we liked to call "vacation"! Getting together with relatives normally only happens during the summer months...unless some kind of event warrants the family getting together at another time.

Even with the distances between families, it seemed like we were much better at getting together with my mom's side of the family than we were with getting together with dad's side of the family. I don't know why that was...personally I'm going to blame it on the fact that my mom is a twin...so they have one of those freaky twin genes...which basically means they are NOT able to be separated for more than like 2 weeks at a time (before the use of cell phones and text messaging...they would call each other every weekend to chat...taking turns doing the calling so that no one was paying more for the long distance call than the other).

Whatever the reasoning, I've always been a little closer to my mom's side of the family than to my dad's. We'd see my mom's family pretty much every summer when we traveled to Virginia to visit them, and then again around Christmas when her sister's family would come up to enjoy the snow-covered wonderland called Ohio.

My mom's mom passed away in 1996 when I was only 7 years old. Much of the last few years of her life, I only remember seeing her in a hospital bed in her house battling cancer. But, as family photo albums and old stories go...my grandmother lived an amazing life. When my mom was in school, my grandparents owned a florist in their hometown. After closing the florist (don't know when that was), as a retirement job, my grandmother took on a job at Colonial Williamsburg as a costumed re-enactor. Re-enactors are the costumed people that go around those historical venues dressed and acting to portray life in the specified time period. Nana (as we called her) played the tavern keeper Jane Vobe at the King's Arms Tavern in Williamsburg.

I don't really remember much about it. I remember making trips to Williamsburg as a kid...we have the family photos in albums to prove that. Nana loved that job and playing her role of Jane Vobe. Even to today, though, as a 26 year old, I enjoy going to Williamsburg and exploring a place where my grandmother was once employed.

My grandmother's death in 1996 was, I believe, the first family death I had been through in my life. Nana had been sick and in a hospital bed for many months (possibly years...my measurement of time at age 7 was not always the most reliable). I remember that that summer, when we went to Virginia for our annual vacation, something was different. My mom was pretty sure that my grandmother would not be living much longer. So, part of our packing for that particular trip included black clothes. She was anticipating that (assuming God's timing would be convenient for us), Nana would pass away sometime while we were there on vacation. We may have needed to miss the first day or two of the new school year, but that would be okay. We spent probably a good week or so in Virginia...and she remained alive. Surprisingly, I don't think that was much of a relief to my mom. My first memory of one of my parents crying was on the way home from Virginia that year. I remember being somewhere in I think West Virginia (there were lots of mountains around us) when I looked over to see my mom crying.

We got home from that trip, and went to the first day of school a day or two later. The morning of our second day of school, as we were getting ready to head out the door, my uncle called...to tell my mom that my grandmother had passed away that morning. We went to school that day...and mom picked us up while I was at recess...and headed BACK to Virginia for the funeral. I don't remember crying that much. But I remember my brother being a complete wreck. It was such a sad time.

But the story doesn't end there.

Several years later (I think it was like 5 years), sometime around Christmas, my mom's sister's family was in Ohio visiting for their annual holiday visit. We were in Toledo at the local Barnes and Noble store. My cousin had dragged me to the children's area so she could ask the clerk to look up a specific series of book (that the clerk had NO IDEA what she was talking about). Trying to kill time while the clerk searched the store's computer system, I found a book to look at. I was a HUGE fan of the American Girl series. Ironically...as mentioned before...my mom is from Virginia and my dad is from New Mexico. Well...of the original American Girls, Felicity's story takes place in 1774 in Williamsburg, Virginia...and Josefina's story takes place in New Mexico! I was very interested in both of those dolls...and looked at everything that AG put out. While I was standing at the children's counter with my cousin, there was a new Felicity book on display that I was interested in. So...I picked it up and starting flipping through it. The book was called "Welcome to Felicity's World: Life in Colonial Williamsburg in 1774"...or something like that.

Now, you have to understand something. When I say I flipped through the book...that's exactly what I did. I don't believe in the whole "judge a book by its cover"...so instead...I flip a book open to a random page and look...then skip another 50 or so pages and look...to determine if the words are too big or too little, to take notice of the number of pictures...and overall, how the book looks. I started flipping through the book in my normal manner. My second flip got me to page 36 (again...something like that). And I stopped. This book had a bunch of "real life" pictures from Williamsburg. The page I was on was talking about tavern keepers and other jobs in Williamsburg. At the bottom corner of the page was a picture. And I thought...huh...that lady in that picture kinda looks like my grandmother (though I wasn't completely sure...her death had been years ago. And really, I didn't know if ALL people that portrayed Jane Vobe looked like my grandmother). I left my cousin....who was still asking the Barnes and Noble clerk to look up her wanted book series...and went to find my mom. Opening the book to the page, I said "Look mom!" and held up the open page of the book. I was going to finish that sentence with something like "...this lady looks like Nana!"...but before I could get another word out of my mouth after my "Look mom!"...my mom stopped, stared, and said "Oh my gosh...it's mom". She then took the book, found her sister and showed her. Before leaving Barnes and Noble that day...we bought all 6 copies the store had of the book. My mom sent one copy back to Virginia with my aunt's family to give as a gift to my great aunt (my grandmother's sister who is still living). The book was wrapped with a post-it note that said "Turn to page 36." We got a picture in the mail a few days after New Years of my great aunt seeing the picture of her sister in that book. And I was congratulated on my great find (and I stood proud that maybe my flipping through book idea wasn't that stupid...still beats judging a book by the cover!)

That is still one of my favorite stories to tell. But in the last few years, I have gotten the urge to look for other ideas. Over the last year or two, I have done numerous Google searches of my grandmother. With this day in age being the age of the internet, I was hoping to find that picture that had appeared in the AG book and find a plethora of more like it. Surprisingly, though, I never really found where that picture originated from.

Earlier this year (2015), I re-tried my search. I came across several possible leads and started looking into them a bit more. In I think March, I found two different possible publications that, although didn't include pictures, had my grandmother's name in them. Before pursuing those any further, one day while my mom and I were in the car, I mentioned the find to her. Apparently I misunderstood what she was saying. I guess my grandfather had given my mom a lot of information or history of some sort. It seemed like these two publications were already known to my mom. My search stopped for a time...as those were the only leads I had found.

A couple months later, we were again in the car, and somehow ended up on the conversation about my grandmother's history with Colonial Williamsburg. I asked my mom is she remembered me telling her about the publications (she didn't). As I began to re-tell her about those publications, my mom wanted to know more...and to find copies of at least one publication. The publication I was telling her about was a novel that, in the Author's Note page of the novel, included an acknowledgement to my grandmother. The book had been published in 1992, went out of print, and then was re-released in 2012 as an e-book only. After doing a lot of searching, I could only find the book in e-book format. Mom sent information around to others in her family...and within about 24 hours, pretty much all of her family that was interested had downloaded the e-book onto their e-reading device. I tried to send the author an email through her website, hoping to locate a copy of the book in print, but didn't get anything back. And...just for fun...I friended her on Facebook.

Feeling quite accomplished, I looked again for the other publication (a magazine article she had written in the 1990's about Colonial Williamsburg and women's rights in the 1700's). I was a little discouraged that this publication was not as rare as the novel. My aunt already had a copy of the magazine on her shelf. Now we have one too!

A few months later, I was still bugged about the whole novel thing. Back in 1992, there was no such thing as an e-book. But I couldn't find a single TRACE of this book anywhere. I couldn't imagine how a book was published in the 90's with no trace...and now back out as an e-book. So...back to my old friend Google I went. After searching a few used books sites, I found one that had a few books listed by the same author of the novel I was looking for. This author didn't write very many books...and most of the books were the same I had already seen available through the e-books. But then I realized there was another title that I didn't recognize. After doing even more research, I discovered that when the author re-released the book in e-book form, she changed the title of the book. I ordered a copy of the book...just to make sure only the title had been changed...and the acknowledgements hadn't.

When the book arrived a few days later in the mail (which I had faithfully tracked all the way to my doorstep), I quickly flipped to the acknowledgements page...to see that her name was still one of the first acknowledgements in the book. I took a picture of it to send to my mom...and then just for fun...posted that picture on Facebook. The next day, while I was on my break at work, the author (who...remember...is my Facebook friend) commented on the picture...recognizing her book! After several comments, Facebook messages, and emails...the author sent me 2 additional copies of the book...signed with a sweet note. One book is intended for us, the other intended for my mom's sister (or at least for the Virginia folks).

But I couldn't just stop there! Since I was STILL on a roll of finding things about my grandmother, I still wanted to find those pictures! If nothing else...I wanted to find the picture that had started all of my searches...the one in the AG book. The only photo credit in the book was to Williamsburg itself. Not knowing how else to do it...I decided to attempt to send them a Facebook message. I explained how I had found her picture before, how she had died 19 years ago, but I was still finding publications and pictures about her and asked where I could locate those pictures. And pretty much decided I would probably never hear back from Williamsburg.

This past week, I got a Facebook message back from Williamsburg. After a little bit of technical difficulty, they sent me an email with 9 photos they had taken during a photo shoot of my grandmother in the early 90's. Apparently they searched through many slides and files to find the pictures. I forwarded the pictures to anyone I could think of on my mom's side of the family and just today downloaded them into my Dropbox account and posted them on Facebook.

Ironically...as I was just finishing this story, I remember how a history professor I had in college commented during our class one time about how much he HATED re-enactors. I was always a little offended about that...since he OBVIOUSLY had no idea how important one re-enactor was to me.

There is a lesson to be learned from all of this. What you do today...although maybe not obvious at the time...could have an affect in the future. I sometimes wonder if my grandmother was still living...what she would have said when I found these things with her picture and name in them. Would she have been embarrassed? Did she think that sitting down to give information to a young author or taking some pictures for a photo shoot would eventually become a treasure hunt for her granddaughter?

I think about some of the pictures and things I've said in my life, and start thinking of their affect. There are some things that I PRAY never resurface 19 years after I die! But...there are others that I wonder if anyone would remember me for.

The Bible says (somewhere) that what the devil intends for harm, God intends to help us.

Back in 2010, after my battles with birth control meds, I began seeing a "Christian" counselor. I put the word Christian in quotes because it took me a little while to eventually realize that there wasn't much Christian in the counseling I was receiving. I saw this counselor for about a year. My family doctor had told me that my depression was coming from the affects of the birth control, and I was immediately told to get off of the pill. Within the next few weeks, things started looking up. My counselor didn't see me as a "high priority" patient...so I only went to the counselor every other week. After a few months of counseling, I started getting irritated with the counselor. We were paying the counselor per session out of pocket (it wasn't covered by our health insurance). I started realizing that what was supposed to be "Christian" counseling....was lacking in use of the Bible. I started paying attention to my sessions. We'd pray before our session began and at the end. The counselor had her Bible in her lap...but there was NEVER any passages in the Bible shared. Another words...I realized we were paying a decent price for me to have a bi-weekly vent session with a stranger. It's free to have a vent session with God.:)

As my doubts about the counseling continued to grow, I began digging deeper into my own relationship with God, even occasionally sharing verses that I had come across with my counselor! Yet...somehow...we still never consulted the Bible for any answers. I finally stopped my sessions about a year after beginning them after having a weird session with my counselor.

There was a name to the therapy she was planning on doing...but I now don't remember what that was. Essentially, the goal of the therapy was that although I seemed to be doing better on the outside, there was still some kind of underlying cause to all my issues on the inside that needed to be dealt with. (I actually learned something about this in our Bible study at church a month or two ago. Unless you go to a Christian counselor who uses the Bible as their main source of answers, apparently in modern psychology, there's this belief that there is some underlying reason for everything we go through. Counselors will continue to take your money and have you come to a session so they can keep searching for this reason...never really reaching that answer).

Basically, as my counselor described it, our job was going to be to summon the Holy Spirit, and have the Holy Spirit come show ME where all my problems were. Now...keep in mind...the only issues I had really ever talked to my counselor about were broken relationships and fractured friendships from my incessent clingy-ness from being on the birth control. Somehow...we were going to have the Holy Spirit  reveal the reason I was having so many friends issues (a thought I'd been trying to figure out my whole life). The counselor went on to explain the process.

So...during my next session, we did this "therapy". The counselor prayed to ask the Holy Spirit to join us. I felt pretty uncomfortable. A lifetime of going to church and learning about the Trinity didn't make any sense to ask the Holy Spirit to join us. It was my belief that as a Christian, the Spirit was already there...living in my heart. Why were we asking it/him to come? It's like telling the guests in your house to come on in. After the counselor felt that the Spirit was with us...she asked it/him to reveal to me where my problems were. And we waited. And waited. I didn't know what was supposed to happen. Was a unicorn going to come down and whisper it in my ear? A few minutes later, the counselor asked me if the spirit had revealed anything to me yet. With the exception of my thoughts on what to have for dinner that night because I was hungry...I said no. So we waited longer. Apparently the Spirit would show it to me in it/his own way. Feeling even more uncomfortable and wanting to be done with this supposed "therapy"...I let my mind wander to the first thing I could think of. I told my counselor the Spirit had given me the answer and we stopped.

The only thing I could think of...was a picture I remember from 2nd grade. I remembered a few days after getting back to Ohio from Nana's funeral, being in my 2nd grade classroom. It was bad outside, so we had inside recess. I was still sad from my Nana's funeral and had my head down on my desk, sobbing. Two classmates came over with the teacher to ask if I was okay. I told them that my grandmother had died, put my head back down, and cried again as they walked away. Truth is...I don't know how I remember that from 2nd grade, but I do.

Before concluding our session, my counselor told me "so THAT is where all of this comes from. We will start digging into that at your next session". And prayed and ended the session.

Driving home from the session...I was mad. I had sought counseling because of broken relationships due to depression from a medication I had been on. Things that...at the time...had happened only in the past several months. And now supposedly that wasn't true and really my problems came from one experience of some 2nd graders not knowing how to comfort a classmate who had just lost a relative? How in the world could anyone even CLAIM that those two things were related? I had just started to heal from one set of wounds and now a counselor was getting ready to re-open other wounds that had finally healed years before.

I needed truth...so popped the CD of a local Christian band in my player in my car and began singing along. A couple days later, I told my mom I didn't really want to go back again to that counselor. When I called to cancel my next session with the counselor, I lied and said I'd decided to get counseling from one of the pastors at my church. Still concerned now that we'd "discovered" this root of the problems, she sent her well wishes and told me to make sure to tell the pastor what we had done.

I actually wonder now if it's from that counseling experience that spawned me to begin looking again for pictures and publications of my grandmother. I don't think it's the reason for any of my issues...but now it's a reason for my JOY.

Adventures in Tablet Buying

You know how the saying goes...where there's a will...there's a way.

Well...I have a willingness...and now I've found my way.

Computers and I have always had a very interesting history. My computer buying experience begins in 2007, after I graduated from high school.

While we were growing up, my parents taught my brother and I the importance of saving money. We even each had a bank account growing up at the local bank in our small Ohio town starting in elementary school. Throughout my growing up years, I remember being taught the importance of saving...as well as the importance of tithing to the church. Over my several years growing up and making some-what regular deposits into my bank account, I had accumulated a pretty decent amount of money (at least it seemed like a lot to my 18-year-old self at the time).

Over the years that we banked at the bank in our town, though, although the bank building stayed the same...the banking institutions that came and went changed several times. By the time I was graduating from high school, the most recent bank institution to enter the stone building in our town's downtown didn't have the greatest of rates. So, when I graduated the decision was made that I would be taking my money that I got from graduation and opening a checking and a savings account with the credit union that my mom had begun using. Conveniently located right behind the hospital she was currently working for. (A few years later, I also opened up a credit card account through the bank after a not-so-great experience with another major credit card company). My mom had told me that when I opened up that account, I would then be able to use whatever money was in the town's bank account to shop for a laptop for college.

So, in 2007, I began my first computer search. I was hoping to stay in a budget of around $500. At that time, however, desktop computers were still all the rage...and laptops were pretty pricey. My mom's sister's husband (my uncle...for anyone that couldn't figure out the family tree) has worked for an electronics company for many years and was able to provide some thoughts of what we'd be wanting to look for in a new computer. In the end...there were only a few options available. I ended up buying an Acer laptop from Circuit City (FYI...Circuit City is no longer in business). Life was grand...or so it seemed.

My first year of college, my laptop saw all sorts of issues. My college was not very "wireless" yet in 2007, so an ethernet cable was required to connect to the internet on campus. At one point of living on campus, my roommate and I had decided to arrange our beds in such a way that the only way for my roommate to get into her bed...was to climb on mine first. One time, as she was stepping down, her foot was a little close to my computer...and somehow a small piece of the ethernet port on my laptop broke off. That was eventually "fixed" in some sort with a little USB-powered device that provided a new ethernet port. Over the next year or so, though, my computer began to go slower and slower. Now...this was probably the first major electronics purchase I had ever made in my life...so to me a slow laptop was better than no laptop (plus enduring YEARS of having only dial-up internet service helped me be a TAD more patient with the computer). The Acer computer lasted through my sophomore year...but by the end of the year, it was apparent that something was wrong with the computer.

As I was getting ready to head into my junior year of college, I was going to be moving back to college early to be working for my 2nd year as a summer Orientation Leader at my college. About 2 weeks before moving back to school to do more OL work, my mom suggested that I take my laptop to a computer shop in the next town over. The shop was advertising a $25 computer diagnostic. I took the computer to them, paid the money (still seemed kind of high for my college kid finances), told them the "symptoms" my computer was having, and then waited to hear from them. They called a couple days later. The issue? The motherboard on the laptop was failing. Really, the only thing they could recommend was to buy a new laptop. (They basically said that they COULD try sending the laptop back to the manufacturer, however, the warranty had expired so I'd be paying to ship it there, for whatever parts and service, and to ship it back...probably ending up being more than just replacing the whole thing).

So, less than a week before heading back off to school for my junior year, my mom and I ran to the nearest Best Buy store to find me a new computer. Again, we were armed with suggestions of what to look for from my uncle. With a little help from the nice people at Best Buy, we ended up buying a new HP laptop. That time, there were several more options of laptops in the $500 range. If I remember correctly, since this wasn't an expected expense, I believe between my mom and I...we used about 5 methods of payments to cover the costs.

The HP laptop seemed SO much better than the old Acer (which...I later did a "Consumer Reports" search on...most people with that same Acer laptop had reported similar issues happening. Shortly after the warranty expired, major issues would happen with the computer, resulting in Acer not willing to cover the issues and the person replacing the computer). The HP laptop got me through the rest of my college career and into my first teaching job...a total of about 3 years.

In 2012, as I was moving to North Carolina, I noticed that my laptop was getting slow. Within the first week of being in NC, as my mom was still with me to help me move in, the battery on the laptop started giving in. I remember ending up running to a local battery shop in NC to buy a new laptop battery for the computer which seemed to do the trick for a while. The laptop had also started getting really hot when it was running. For years, my dad had been telling me how it's not good for a laptop to sit on a bed, desk, or human legs. For best performance, it NEEDED to be on one of those laptop/lap desk things (though I had plenty of people that told me that wasn't exactly true). But the laptop was getting so hot, I had to put either a blanket or pillow between it and my legs to make sure I didn't get burned. A couple weeks after moving to NC, I was sitting in my apartment watching Netflix (I bought a Wii a few months later with some unexpected Christmas money). In the middle of the show I was watching on Netflix, my computer froze, then turned off. I took that as God's sign to me that maybe 5 hours of watching "Bones" on Netflix was enough...and left the computer off and went to bed. The next day, I turned the computer back on and everything seemed to be alright again. For another week, at least. A week later, the same thing happened. At this point, I was already feeling over my head with stuff going on with my teaching job and being 600 miles away from home. I called my uncle for an opinion. No one seemed to know what was going on.

Again, I turned the computer back on after giving it a chance to cool back down. Two hours later, it turned off again. This time, I called my mom...in tears. I was 600 miles away from home. One of my major ways of staying in communication with people from home was through Facebook (we didn't have smart phones yet). My computer was necessary. After another call to my uncle, I made my way to the nearest Office Max store I could find, who performed a diagnostic test on the laptop. The "symptoms" I was describing about the computer seemed to be like those you'd find if the computer had a virus. They ran the scan...no virus was detected. I was told that IF there was a virus on the computer, most likely it was so deep in the computer, that it would be impossible to detect and destroy. I priced laptops while I was at Office Max. The nice people at Office Max helped me find a good laptop, and even offered to transfer all of my files and information to the new laptop...as well as get the whole laptop set up and ready to go for me. Again...I was buying a laptop with little notice. After spending money to move to a new city...I was spending even more to replace my laptop.

A couple months later, when I went to visit my aunt and uncle for a weekend, my uncle offered to do some updates and wipe the harddrive of the old laptop for me. Of the laptops he was working on, my old laptop was going slower than any others...and my uncle also noted how hot to the touch the laptop was (another words...something was REALLY wrong with that thing).

The new laptop from Office Max...another HP...again...seemed so much better after dealing with all the issues of the one before. Things went great. And then last summer rolled around...

As I was applying for various jobs last summer, I ended up getting a semi-impromptu interview for a possible Graduate Assistant position at the college I was going to begin my masters at. I ended up getting asked to do an interview for the GA position on a day I was planning on being in Virginia for a vacation for myself. The interviewer offered then to do a Skype interview. On the day of the interview as I was making sure Skype would work right, I noticed that Skype was indicating that it was having issues working through my computer. Thankfully (in a way), the interviewer had to re-schedule the interview due to being sick...and I had my cousin help me find ways to make sure my laptop would run faster. Long story short...I didn't get the position.

As I was driving back to Ohio from Virginia, trying to get through the Washington, DC traffic before it got too much worse, I got another surprise phone for a possible job with an all-online school. As I progressed through the interviews for that job (and...I'll save you the curiosity...didn't get that job either), I realized that if I were to get that job...I didn't think my laptop would be cutting it. So...a couple weeks after getting home, we scheduled to have a guy from our church come to the house to take a look at my laptop and see if he could give any suggestions, make it run faster, etc. This is a guy who owns an at-home business working on computers. The guy from church stayed over for a couple hours, took a few programs off my computer that were not needed, and showed me several programs that I could use to try to keep my computer running faster. I remember, though, when he left, he didn't think he had really done much to make my computer run faster.

Over the last year, it seems like the computer has been running even slower. Even today, as I'm typing out this post, occasionally, the computer is slowing down just not working as well as it used to.

For the last two years, I've been trying to NOT spend everything that comes my way for Christmas and Birthdays. Generally for Christmas and birthdays, I do get some cash. As a kid, I was pretty bad about just frittering the money away. But the last 2 years, I've been making more efforts to keep the money so that I can buy myself something I wouldn't normally buy myself. Last year, I saved my money and then in April, took a trip back to NC where I had lived. The money was my spending money to use on my little vacation. Since I had worked at an upscale consignment shop, I went back there and bought myself some new clothes to work towards updating my wardrobe. I did the same this year with part of my Christmas money, but I still have money from Christmas, birthday, and several other places.

So...as I've been trying to figure out what to do with that money, I decided over the last couple weeks, that maybe...especially if God really is going to be calling me into the missions field...or even to another area of the US...it would be nice to not be buying a new computer a couple weeks later. Or...if nothing else...just in general...actually looking for a computer before I absolutely NEED a computer and am just buying whatever I can find first. I realized that I probably had enough to make a pretty decent dent on buying a computer.

Last week, my mom and I were out shopping before we were going to be meeting my dad for dinner. There's a new Costco store that recently opened and we went there (my mom got a membership there with my dad). We weren't really looking for anything at Costco, but I did see their electronics while we were there. So...I decided to just take a look for fun and see what was on the market and what price I was going to be looking at. My mom had bought herself a tablet a year or so ago and thoroughly LOVES it. So...after going through 3 laptops in 8 years...I thought it would probably be okay for me now to look into a tablet rather than a laptop. I ended up finding one that I liked that seemed to be at a pretty decent price.

We still had time to kill after getting out of Costco, so my mom suggested, since I was looking at tablets, since we were in the right area, to go to Best Buy and see what they had available. So, as I was at Best Buy, I managed to get a couple of nice people helping me, who were able to suggest a great tablet and some recommendations for some other things to accessorize the tablet. A day or two later, I went back on the Best Buy website, and just in a general sense, got myself a "price range" that I was looking at. I took the list price of the tablet and the keyboard that I thought I'd get. This particular tablet also has a Micro SD card slot so that you can expand the memory usage and I was planning on getting a Micro SD card for that use. I added all the numbers up...then grabbed all my money and added that up...and I was $100 short. I actually started praying about it this week. My goal, was that if I was to buy this tablet and if God really wants me to do it...somehow I'd be able to cover the majority of the price...not just 2/3 of it. I thought maybe God would bring a good samaritan my way to pay for the rest, a winning lottery ticket to blow up at my feet, or even to possibly sell some other unwanted and unused items for some extra cash. Nothing came.

For the last few days, I've been looking at various ways to afford this tablet. The other day, as I was looking for a couple things in my room...I came across an Amazon gift card from probably 2 Christmases ago...and loaded it onto my Amazon account.  But at only $25, that still wasn't solving enough of my $100 shortage.

Just this afternoon, I decided to look again at the tablet. I had been thinking that I'd just buy the tablet and extra stuff from the Best Buy store...so that I knew I'd be getting what I wanted and excellent service. I noticed that if I bought the tablet through Amazon...it seemed a little cheaper. So...I went to the Best Buy site to compare (earlier when I compared the prices, it was about a $10 difference). Best Buy had put the tablet back at it's original price...making the Amazon price $30 cheaper! So...just for "fun"...I decided to put that in my Amazon cart. Amazon recommended pairing the tablet with a Micro SD card and a folio case...taking the price to about what I was thinking it would be at Best Buy. I really wanted a keyboard/case, though...so I replaced the folio cover for a keyboard...which turned out to be cheaper than what I had originally put in my "price range". And...I realized that the SD card they were putting with it...I could get by with a smaller one (I can buy an SD card many places...if I really want the bigger card, I can buy that later). I told my mom about the deal I was finding...and then realized I could save even MORE money...if I decided to get a blue tablet instead of a black one (seriously...who really cares what the outside of the tablet looks like?).

Put everything in my cart...and started doing the math. After subtracting the Amazon gift card, and my saved cash (which...I'll have to stop by the bank tomorrow and deposit)...the grand total that I'll be paying that's not accounted for? $17.55. My $306 order is going to be paid because of saving...mostly in cash...and I'm left to pay less than 20 bucks. AND...I signed up for an Amazon Prime membership a while back...so I also am getting FREE 2-day shipping.

No good Samaritan, no cash for unused items (though, I still have some things to figure out how to get rid of), and no winning lottery ticket blowing to my feet. Maybe it wasn't a HUGE sign from God. But with a little bit of faith, a little bit of patience...and a good calculator...I think this can still be considered an answer from God.

I should be getting my new tablet by Wednesday. :)

Style on the Inside vs. Style on the Outside

Over the last few weeks and months, I've had this feeling happening in my heart and in my soul. This feeling that maybe, just maybe, God is preparing me for a new path, a new direction, and potentially a new state! And as I said in an earlier post...no...I don't really have any "great" news to talk about. But somewhere in my soul, I just feel like something HUGE is coming my way. And...as (at least a portion) of the title of a song by Crystal Lewis says..."People get ready!" So over the last few weeks and months, I've been trying to do a few things to possibly get ready for this big move. Now...don't get me wrong. I haven't gotten any messages from God to completely sell everything I own for Him. But...there's something to be said about getting rid of some items that have just been collecting up dust for several years. Not gonna lie...at the same time, I see a practical reason to start cleaning up (besides a possible move in my future). I have too much STUFF.

To catch some up to speed a bit...last fall, I took a job at a retail store that specializes in buying your old stuff and reselling it. Yes, retail. I went from a career where my first job was to tell kids why they even needed to learn anything beyond 2+2, to a job where I (at least should) be trying to talk people into why they NEED that new shirt. Not gonna lie...I've never been much of a retail person myself. I took the job with the thought that this position would get me through maybe 6 months or so of employment as I began working on a master's degree, and then I'd find something full time and be gone. It's been nearly a year...and I'm still here. For the past several months, I have been looking for full time employment. As of the interview I did last week...that was the first interview I'd even been offered in 6 months. Surprisingly, though, this job has taught me some very surprising lessons.

So...in about April, I decided to start cleaning out my room. I mean...not gonna lie...many items I own I've had since college, moved from college back to home, moved from Ohio to North Carolina, and then moved back from NC to Ohio...and it is still there. So in March and April, I started clearing through some of that stuff with the idea that some of the items I would take to my workplace and sell it to them for a small profit. One thing that I had TONS of that I wanted to get rid of...several Vera Bradley bags and purses. After clearing through and deciding to only keep about 7 Veras, I took the rest to work...and ended up getting paid more than I thought I would. As I was driving home that day from bringing those items in, I started thinking. My Vera Bradley obsession began while I was in college. My sophomore year of college, I joined a sorority, and it seemed like EVERY girl in that sorority was a Vera lover. I made it to my senior year of college without buying a Vera (we did a Vera sale with the sorority at one point...and I was a little scared to see that most of the purses cost about half of my current pay of my part-time job on campus). Finally, sometime during senior year, one of the girls in the sorority ended up telling me that if I didn't buy myself a Vera before I graduated, that she was going to either give or buy one for me. (So...of course cheap-o me opted to not buy one!). That Christmas time, as my mom was looking for ideas for Christmas, I asked for a Vera purse. And now...every Christmas since...my mom has gotten me some kind of Vera purse.

Driving home after my Vera selling adventure I realized something. I had been using a brand of purses to try to "fit in" with a group of girls. I remember shortly after graduating from college, I had stopped at the same store I now work at and bought an almost-new Vera at a pretty cheap price. I was all excited and posted my "steal" on Facebook. And was pretty sad when not a single person "liked" my status.

As I've looked at some of the other items in my wardrobe and in my room...I've started to realize that some of the items I've held on to because somewhere in my brain, I think that if I just kept it long enough...maybe life would go back to an easier time. Before hormones. Before this hurt or that issue. If I just kept those purses...maybe all of my friends in college would become extremely close to me again! If I hold on to this shirt that no longer fits...maybe I'll be able to fit into it and look more like I did when I was a freshman in high school. If I lose enough weight and can fit back into that old dance costume...maybe I'll be able to go back to the days where 6 hours of dance classes a week were doable!

It's funny how many analogies about life I can make from things I've learned at this job. For example, most of the items we have in our store get an ink tag censor on them. In recent weeks, there's been a lot of discussions amongst us employees because there are some items that get a censor that are too thin, and actually end up with holes and tears due to the censor. Something that's meant to be a good thing to the garment, now has a hole. And...as many sewers and seamstresses could tell you...there are some things that can be "fixed". But...there are some holes that will permanently change a piece of clothing. It won't go back to the way we were. I see that in my life sometimes. I've tried to "censor" parts of my life...and due to hurts and past failures, there's a little hole. You can try all you want to cover it up, fix it, and sew it. But...it will never go away. It's always there. I think that's what some of my material possessions are becoming. If I could just fit into that top...maybe it will cover up the weeks and months of depression, hurt, and drowning myself in chocolate and Cheez-Its. If I could just fit back into that dress...maybe it would erase the hurtful words of that one friend. But...much like some of our items at work...it's never going to go back to that way. And sometimes...not having those things fit again is actually a sign of change!

So...my sophomore year of college, I bought myself this cute dress. I bought it at Fashion Bug (which...by the way...is pretty much out of business...or at least not in our area anymore). I wanted a new dress for Easter, and I also was going to my sorority's spring formal. That dress managed to be a good one for both of those events. I still had the dress (up until a couple weeks ago). For the last 2 years, I've been working to fit back into that dress as much as possible. I mean...in the years since I bought that dress, I've been through my fair share of hardships, changes, anxiety, depression, and the occasional over-eating. All those things have taken a toll on my body. I would work out, try to eat right, even became a Zumba instructor and began teaching my own class. And everytime I put that dress on...I still could not get the zipper to go all the way up! I finally stopped trying and decided to get rid of the dress once and for all after making a pretty big discovery. I could zip the dress up past my belly and my gut. The issue? The zipper wouldn't make it past my CHEST! Now...unless I'm the opposite of the Grinch and my heart is 2 sizes too big instead of 2 sizes too small...somewhere between age 19 or 20 when I bought that dress and now at age 26...my boobs had gotten bigger! Here it was that I thought the dress wouldn't fit because of my past...when really...that dress wouldn't fit because I have GROWN (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) because of natural causes.

As I've been clearing through some of the items in my room, I've started trying to ask myself about something. Each item that I am tempted to keep, I ask myself "is this an item that expresses me now...or is this an item that I'm holding on to...hoping that somehow my life will go back to an earlier time when things seemed easier?" One of my more recent goals is to get rid of a bunch of stuff from college. Not gonna lie...the majority of my non-dressy items have advertisements for either church, college, or the sorority. My goal has been over the last few weeks to try to get rid of some of those items and bring in new items. A couple years after graduating from college, I started to realize something about myself. I spent 4 or more years of college trying to "define" myself and painting a picture of myself...but my definition and picture was not the same as God's. All the way through college, I tried to tell everyone who I am...and failing. Because my description and definition were not God's. It wasn't until a couple years after college that I began seeing that. In the last 2 years or so, God has brought some of the most amazing people into my life. But there's something different about these people. They start seeing something different about me. If you go back to a couple of my older posts, you may see something about when I lived in NC. One of the things from living in NC that still has me baffled to today is what happened about 6 months after I moved there. I had been feeling like God was calling me to the missions field, but amongst other struggles I was having in NC, I don't really remember ever telling many people about that plan or goal. But about 6 months after living in NC, one of the guys from my Life Group randomly (or at least it seemed like that to me) asked me one day if I saw myself eventually living in another country. For pretty much the rest of of the time I was in NC, that person would keep asking me questions about if or when I was going to be moving over seas. The weird part is...except a couple random comments...I don't really remember saying much to my friends in NC about my missions trip to Thailand or my thoughts and dreams of missions work. So...I've started wondering how this person managed to figure that out and start asking me about it? Short of going too crazy about it...I've decided the answer is God. North Carolina was the first time I really think that "College Bethany" had worn off...and "God's Bethany" was starting to shine through.

I've been in my current job for almost a year. And the longer I stay here, the more I've realized just the amazing group of people that God has put in my life during this leg of my journey. Growing up, I've never been much for style and fashion. I've always been a pretty simple girl. In my opinion, as long as I have a pair of black pants and a pair of jeans...I can almost always turn one top into two different outfits. It's been funny to think about my style growing up. When I was in elementary school...I wore dresses almost every day...and got teased relentlessly for it. Once I hit middle school, navy blue was my color of choice (also was one of our school's colors...so it was like a 2-for-1 special!) and my "normal" outfit was: jeans, t-shirt, socks and tennis shoes, a hoodie, and my hair in a pony tail. When I got into college, I started doing a hybrid of the two styles...sometimes wearing jeans and hoodies...other times dressing up (I still stayed away from the dresses...except for special occasions). I've never really thought I had a style (unless "cheap" is a style?). But over the last couple months at my job...the ladies I work with have started to figure out my style. Just last week, one of the girls noticed I have been wearing a lot of dresses (calling it my "one-piece-wonder"...still not sure if I said that or not...lol) in bright colors. She had started to see my style...and knew my size (probably a dangerous combination) and had a dress pretty much in my size she thought I'd like and ended up giving it to me for free.

The thing is...I don't think some of the people that God's put in my life just understand my style on the outside...they get my "style" on the inside. I've learned in many different ways how God knows us beyond just what's on the outside (he knows the number of hairs on our head the Bible says). How much of the time is what we put on the outside a reflection of what our "style" is on the inside? I think about where I've been in the last few years of my life and where I am now. Brightly colored dresses are one of my new favorites. I don't think I'm enjoying those dresses for their one-piece-wonder appeal or to counteract the grey rainy skies in NW Ohio. Maybe...wearing those bright colored dresses...are my way of expressing the bright colors that are starting to appear within my inside "style". Last summer, I decided to chop my hair and dyed it. It's been over 8 weeks since my last hair appointment, and I've decided to start growing my hair out again and not coloring it. Over the last few weeks, I've not felt a need to change my hair color so that people can understand the change that is happening on the outside. If they see the change...that's great. If not...their loss not mine.

As I wait for my calling to my next chapter in life...I am working on finding ways to express the "new" Bethany. Why continue to carry "college Bethany" around? It's just added weight that I don't need. If God calls me to a job half-way across the country...do I REALLY want to be carrying memories from Tiffin, Ohio and Heidelberg University with me? Or do I want to lose that baggage and replace it with memories of the new-found friends I have made now? Do I really want to drag my memories from Elmore, Ohio and Woodmore High School to a new state and a new adventure? Even realizing that I didn't re-commit my life to Christ until AFTER high school? Will there be room in the U-Haul for all of that among all my single-living apartment items? Or won't it make more sense to cherish these memories and the people that see me for my inside "style"...and not just my outside "style"?

Let me end this post with a prayer:

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for the amazing people that you've put in my life along this journey. Thank you for finding me the people that won't just offer me new clothes (and a little bit of peer pressure to buy them), but also the people that can make suggestions for my inside "style". Lord, as I (kind of anxiously) await what you will do in my life next, may I continue to remember that you've already provided so much for me right where I am. And Lord, help me to stop dragging along the older versions of Bethany from high school and college. The newer Bethany is so much prettier, smarter, and better than those! I pray, Lord Jesus, that over the coming days and weeks, that I can continue to work on getting rid of the Bethany I hoped I would become, the Bethany I wanted to be, and the Bethany that was just trying to fit in...and start embracing me as the Bethany that you've created me to be. And, Lord, I pray that anyone that reads this blog...even if they may not understand all of my inside jokes and thoughts...would be able to be touched by this message in some way. And now Lord as I get ready to go about the rest of my day, I pray that you'd send blessing and protection to all of those near and dear to my heart.

In your name I pray...
(and all God's children say...)
Amen

Hey Look...you can follow me now!

This will be short, I promise.

So...when I started this whole blogging idea...I obviously didn't really know what I was doing! I set up the blog (well...at least the writing portion)...and mostly just shared a link for it via Facebook. Now, two years later...and absolutely NO ONE informing me that there is no way to follow my blog...I have finally figured out what the issue is. Haha...silly me. I actually had to ADD a button so that people can follow me!

So...if you'd like to follow this blog (which I'm starting to think about getting a little more regular at posting in), you have a couple options. If you are a part of Google Plus, you can add me through there (I'm still learning as I go, though...so if that capability is still not quite available...someone please let me know). There's something about Google Plus on the side of the screen when I look at my blog...I think you can follow from there? If you click the icon at the bottom of the blog (1+ icon), you can share the blog with others (I guess once you start following it yourself?). Or...if you don't want to bother with Google Plus...enter your email at the top of this blog and every time I update, you will get an email. Not gonna lie...I signed my own email up for the email alerts. Not sure if you get just an alert or the full blog sent to your email. But I'll find out as soon as I push the "Publish" button.

Oh the joys of ever-changing technology!

Testimony: Take 2

Please Note: This post is NOT going to follow my traditional "Past, Present, Future" formula. At the moment (even being 8-ish months since the last time I updated my road to getting into the missions field) I am not ready to post an update. God continues to work on me, and in me. And really, I feel like something AMAZING could be coming to me in the next few weeks/months. But I'm not ready to spill the beans just yet on anything. Hopefully I'll get to give some news soon. But this time...I'm posting about a little project I gave myself this year.

Testimony Attempt #1

So right before the new year, I decided to do something that I don't normally do. I made a resolution. Trust me...as much as I can be a bit OCD about things and can be organized when I want to be. I can NOT plan ahead for the life of me. Not gonna lie...this is a pretty big problem. So...my resolutions I made at the end of 2014 are pretty astonishing in themselves.

One of those resolutions was to write out my testimony and share it 4 times. Sounds doable, right? But the problem is...I wrote out my testimony shortly after I rededicated my life to Christ before my sophomore year of college. Crazy enough...there's been quite a bit that has changed within my story since that time. My goal was to write out my testimony with FULL details. Everything from the good, the bad, the ugly, the "probably needed to be there to understand it", and the "probably should never tell anyone this". I planned to put it ALL in there.

Really, in the back of my head...I kind of planned to share this testimony with people from the church I was part of when I lived in Charlotte. Why them? (Sorry, Ohio friends). Mostly because I've lived in Ohio now for 25 years. If anyone is to not necessarily know the majority of my story, it would be them. So...I also wanted to include in my testimony an "adequate" depiction of northwest Ohio, and more importantly, my mostly unheard-of town of Elmore.

I probably should have known I had taken on more than I could handle when my testimony took me 4 months to write! Yep...started it right before Christmas, and ended it right after my birthday. Okay, so I didn't necessarily work on it EVERY day. There were several very tough and dramatic things to have to write in there and I had to take a few days (or a week), and get enough courage to put them down on paper. Yes, paper. I hand-wrote the whole thing.

When all was said and done...my testimony was (brace yourselves) 54 1/2 hand-written pages long. Actually, the writing itself was pretty therapeutic. But then I realized something. 54 pages either needs to be read or spoken. I'm practically to a mini-novel. Would anyone really like to read that? And more importantly...the service at my church in NC is about an hour long. IF I ever got the opportunity to share it...would I feel good enough to share all those things with people out loud? Would they want to hear it? And really, would they gain anything from it? Not gonna lie...over the next couple weeks, I tried to practice telling my testimony. But by about page 10, I was ready to be over (it's probably not a good sign when you don't even really want to tell your own testimony).

Over the past few months, I have heard several tips on sharing your testimony. And...sadly...mine pretty much was a good example of what you're NOT supposed to do. Short? Nope. Makes a certain point? Nope. I just wrote to be able to write. And...another place where I'm not gonna lie...it's all drama. When I realized that my testimony was 50+ pages long, I actually wanted to create it into a book ( I was already part way there, it seemed). I mean come on....others have done that! It was so dramatic...I actually started creating character names for everyone in my life so I didn't have to use their real names in my book. Seriously, after finishing my testimony, I attempted rewriting it into a novel. And again...I got bored with it before I got to chapter 2.

So over the past few weeks and months, I've been working more diligently on some Bible studies. Especially on faith. For some reason I've been on a mass faith-kick. If I hear of a book talking about faith, I read it. If I hear the word faith...I look up the Bible verses they're talking about. To date, I finished reading Lysa Terkeurst's "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith", re-attempted Beth Moore's "Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith", am currently in the midst of Lee Strobel's "The Case for Faith", my Bible study is in a new book by Cindy Bultema called "Red Hot Faith", and I've also read Hebrews 11 (sometimes considered the "Faith Hall of Fame") in multiple versions of the Bible. From all my studying on faith...here's what it boils down to:

Faith is trusting in the unseen. And realizing that even in our darkest moments, God is still there, blessing us. And that, my friends, is the greatest testimony of all.

A month or so ago, as I was reading all my faith books, I came up with my own analogy of what faith is. Here's a nutshell version:

Life is like a puzzle with no picture on the box. All the pieces are there to complete it. However, as humans we try to put the pieces together to fit our needs. Ever done that? Just like when you put 2 puzzle pieces together that don't go together...the fit may seem right, but the picture isn't. Same in life. Just because THAT job and THAT career path and THAT salary and THOSE friends seem like a good fit...the picture isn't right. And as we go on, putting these pieces in ways that make us happy...we generally end up with a mess. Faith, is taking a step back and trusting God...the puzzle-maker...to put those pieces together. He is the one who knows what the final picture looks like. But...just like in life...it's going to take time. (Just this past Christmas, my mom and I attempted to put together a 500-piece puzzle during Christmas afternoon. We thought a couple hours and we'd be done...it took us the better part of 2 days to complete). That's what faith is. Letting God put the pieces together. And in the end...it makes a BEAUTIFUL picture.

So...I have decided to rewrite my testimony. This time, instead of focusing on the drama, focusing on how God has used my sorry attempts at putting my life puzzle together to create something even better. This testimony is focusing on the blessings...not the drama.

So...here's my new and improved testimony (conveniently separated into 4 parts):

Part I: The Basic Background

I was born and raised in a Christian home. We did Bible stories and prayer before bed, prayed before all meals, attended church multiple times during the week, and participated in other church-sponsored events such as summer VBS. Over the first 10 years of my life, we switched churches multiple times. We were never necessarily denomination-specific (meaning, we weren't devout Lutherans and only switched to Lutheran churches...for example). To give a better idea, by the time I turned 10 we had attended a United Methodist church, a Christan and Missionary Alliance church, and a Church of God church. We switched to each of these churches due various reasons: jobs, travel times, or even current needs of our family or the church. In fall of 1999, we switched one more time to Grace Community Church in Fremont, this time looking for a church with a larger youth group as my brother was going into 7th grade. The first summer we were at Grace, in 2000, I attended Grace's VBS and that is where I made my initial decision to receive Christ through salvation. However, my salvation was brought on by jealousy. (My brother had gotten saved a few years before that, and I was jealous of things that he got to do as a Christian that I didn't get to do...like take communion).

Part II: The Next 10 Years

Because I accepted Christ due to jealousy and not because I wanted a real relationship with Him, I didn't understand what it meant to put my faith in God. As I said before, faith is believing in things not seen. Since I didn't have my faith and my beliefs in God, as life began getting harder through high school and even into college I was looking for a person, place, or thing to rely on, generally turning to my friends, which, in turn, hurt and sometimes even ended those relationships. I would try over and over to "fix" the relationship...but normally that didn't do much. I did this over and over for many years. When a friendship would end because I was relying on my friends more than on God, I'd just move on to find a new friend to call my own. The summer before my sophomore year of college, I found a few new friends when I decided to be an Orientation Leader at my college for the summer. I quickly became friends with a couple girls, eventually even joining the same sorority as them. However, about a year later, during summer orientation, I was beginning to feel like I had worn off the goodness of those friends and would be going through the same process for the millionth time or so. Struggling to figure out why all my good intentions were not working, I was in the midst of an online conversation with one of these new-found "best" friends when she said something that, at the time, made a huge impact on my life. All she said was "I'm not going to be here forever". At first I was hurt about those words, fearing that I'd screwed up the relationship again and would be alone very soon. I wanted to do something to change the path. I had been still going to church, so it's not like I didn't know what to do. And I decided I wanted to get baptized...something I had dreadfully avoided since becoming a Christian 10 years earlier. As I played out my new dream scene of my baptism, a problem became apparent. At my church, before you are baptized, the pastor asks if you are "trusting in Christ and Christ alone for your salvation". I realized that I wasn't. Sitting in my dorm room in August 2009, I rededicated my life to Christ and was baptized in an outdoor baptism a month later.

Part III: Trials and Blessings

Many people would leave their stories at that. Sadly, many people get the wrong impression that when one becomes a Christian, it's all happy days where nothing ever goes wrong again. I'd be lying if that's how I left this. Over the past 6 years since rededicating my life to Christ, I have been through my fair share of trials. But...as I look back on these trials, I can also see the great blessings that are only possible through faith in God. Here are 5 examples:

1. In June 2010, I got to travel to Thailand with my church. Numerous blessings came out of that including my feeling of the call into ministry and missions, as well as realizing that life isn't all that bad here in the US. Think it's crazy that you can't find a pair of shoes to go along with that matchy-matchy outfit? Most of the kids in our orphanages in Thailand had one pair of sandals, sometimes the hand-me-downs of another child, and some were even falling apart. What a joy for the kids when we bought them each a new pair of shoes. They sang praises to Jesus for new shoes, and the life they got to have in the orphanage that we provide the funds for. Although they didn't have as many material possessions as we have in the US, they had an amazing joy for the things they did have. What a load of blessings each of those sweet children had on my life!

2. Before heading to Thailand, I decided that I needed to do something about my monthly hormonal issues. So...I decided to begin going on birth control. Sadly, instead of my crazy hormone moods getting better, I ended up in a very deep dark depression for several months. As I kept wanting to go back to my old ways and relying on my friends to tell me what I should do to get out of this depression, sadly, many of my friends disappeared. I don't know if I've ever felt more alone in my life. To this day, there are very few friendships that survived that time in my life. It took me the next few years to discover where the blessing in that situation came from. As friendships began to be stripped away, I really only had one place I could go...to God. I even remember several times looking up to the sky and telling God, "Okay, it's just you and me...now what?" 

3. In August 2012, I moved to Charlotte, NC. Although I was excited for the new adventure, I faced numerous struggles in the process of moving there...and then with jobs when I decided I couldn't continue my teaching job in Charlotte. The blessing, I discovered early in my adventure to NC, was that God brought me to a sweet church and an amazing group of people. Within 6 months of being in NC, I had many people from my church knowing about my dreams of going into the missions field, some were even anxiously awaiting my announcements to move overseas next. For 10 years, I had gone to the same church and had to actually tell people that I wanted to be a missionary. In less then 6 months, with not many mentions of my Thailand trip, I had people encouraging me to continue with that dream. In my mind, I believe that the "real" Bethany was displayed in NC. My true God-given dreams were on display. And since it was from God, I didn't have to try to talk anyone into believing me.

4. 365 days later, I moved back home to Ohio. Although I was pretty upset about going back to the land of cornfields and snow, I needed the normalities of home again. The blessing of coming back to Ohio has happened over the last year or so. I've found new passions, worked on new goals, become closer to God, and even mended a few relationships within my family and friends. How life looked like when I was moving back to live in my parent's basement and how life looks like now (almost 2 years later), is completely different. 

5. Last fall, I began working a retail job, featuring a pretty steep pay cut from my last teaching job and part-time hours. But despite the financial and scheduling woes that came with it, there's been a great blessing from this job. I work with several devout Christians. I didn't just get co-workers. I found friends. Too many jobs in my past, I have had co-workers, but when I move on to the next chapter in life and away from that job, that's where the relationship ends. I don't see that happening with these girls. God's given me people that are more than just co-workers. They're friends. And part of His family.

Part IV: Wrap Up

Here's what it all comes down to: God can use even the toughest situations for His good and for the good of those that follow him.

November 2014

Back when I was in elementary school, I tried to keep a diary. And when I say "try" I really mean I wrote a couple entries and then never went back to it. I remember one particular diary I had gotten from a book sale at school and it came with a lock and key! I was so excited. I was good about hiding that diary away from my sneaky older brother, and even though ahead to hide the key in my sock and underwear drawer, thinking the idea of going in my underwear drawer to find the key would somehow stop my brother. I only ever wrote one entry in that diary. I was in like first grade and it was about 3 sentences about our first trip to Disney World. (I guess I remember it better because of the "creative" spelling of one word...I knew the word "great" had a strange spelling...so I spelled it as "grit"...my trip to Disney was GRIT!) Well, one day, my brother teased me and held up the key to my diary. I chased him into our bathroom where he was danging the key jokingly above the bathroom sink's drain (which was just a hole because the drain plug thing had broken). However, as he was doing this, he accidentally lost handle of the key, and actually dropped the key down the drain. We were able to break the lock off of the diary...but that still meant I needed a brother-proof hiding place (someplace worse than an underwear drawer). In the end I ended up throwing out the diary. Yes, the diary that only held one entry about my "grit" adventure to Disney World in 1995.

Ever since then, I've never been good about writing in diaries, journals, or blogs. For fear that somehow my brother will magically lose the key. And that my friends, is my great story of introduction after nearly 10 months of not writing. Can anyone say "oops"?

A lot has happened in these past 10 months. So...as always with keeping with tradition...here it is...in Past, Present, and Future form!

Past
Let's face it, the past 10 months have been...well...adventurous. When I last posted in January, I was happily employed at a charter school teaching 5th grade. As I was working that job, I made a decision. You see (if I never posted about this before) the summer I moved back to Ohio, I made a decision apply to start my master's at the University of Findlay to work on my masters in TESOL. The good news is...I got accepted!! The not-so-great news is...I got my acceptance letter 3 days before classes started...on a Friday...classes started the following Monday. I couldn't financially commit to something like that. So as I was teaching last year, I told myself that if for some reason something happened and I DID NOT take that teaching job again for another year, I'd take my acceptance with Findlay and work on my masters.

Well...let's just put it this way. Inner-city schools and kids...are rough. Coming from the girl who graduated with about 100 people in high school, and went to a small college in good old Tiffin, Ohio (seriously...talk about a random town with 2 colleges surrounded by corn fields), inner-city is a completely different ball game. We ended up with only 10 days of school in the month of January...thanks to our snow-apocalypse. Pressures mounted, kids lost vital information they needed for the upcoming standardized tests. I started getting worried. As the school year went on, I started realizing something. I'm not Wonder Woman. I'm a teacher. And these days in the world, schools think teachers need to be BOTH. All over the US, the amount of work teachers are being asked to do on a daily basis is insane. And inner-city schools just maximize that. Inner-city is a completely different feel. As I've gone through orientation at different jobs that are mostly in inner-city areas, I remember getting the lessons on inner-city kids. Mix in a change in administration, a lack of support at the school when I needed help. The end of the year started going sour. By about May, I was starting to look into other jobs. After reading some information and having some conversations with some colleagues, I realized that inner-city was not right for me. I have been teaching for 2 1/2 years...and each year things are getting easier. Teaching in inner-city for me is like teaching in another language to others. I don't understand it. So, I decided that I needed to look into other jobs. Preferably in more "suburban" settings. As the last couple months of school went on, I realized that this is just not what I want to be doing. And I made my decision that I'd look into other jobs...or plan on starting my masters.

After job searching for a while, I did send an email to my admissions counselor at Findlay and asked about starting my masters. A couple days after the school year ended, I met with one of the professors for the masters program (who also taught a Linguistics class at Heidelberg) and had a great discussion.

And I played the application dance. I applied to NUMEROUS jobs. A few times I got close to either getting offered a job or at least an interview...and then something would happen...and I'd never hear from that employer again. It seriously happened 3 different times. What a huge let down! To be so pumped about a job...just to have something fall apart at the last minute! I already had enough money saved up for the first semester of grad school in my savings account. So...in August, I went ahead, paid the money, and registered for my first 2 classes of grad school. Nerd status was at a high level!

Now, don't think that I made all of these decisions based on a couple "moods" or "thoughts" or "feelings". Yes, I'm a girl. Yes, I am an emotional mess sometimes. Yes, my emotions do play roles. But a few things helped me see that maybe this was where I needed to go.

In the spring, my Bible study at church started a study by Lysa Terkeurst called "What Happens when Women say Yes to God". It's a great study where Lysa talks about saying "yes" to what God's asking you to do. Although my old habits of not keeping up with Bible studies continued to torture me, I did my best to keep up with this study. And since this grad school, job, and future thing was fresh on my mind, I even kept a journal through the study to work through the study. It seemed to come at the perfect time to work on this study. I needed to know if this whole idea of grad school and ESL was just my own ideas...or if God was in there somewhere. In the study, Lysa points out 5 questions to ask when figuring out if something is from God or not:

1. Does it line up with scripture?
2. Is it consistent with God's character?
3. Is it confirmed through messages at church or my quiet time?
4. Is it beyond me?
5. Is it pleasing to God?

The thought is that if most of these answers are yes...then it is most likely something from God and something God is asking you to say yes to. So...I put it through my grad school and ESL scenario:

1. Does it line up with scripture? Yes. The Bible is full of scriptures telling us to go make disciples, reach out to others, and teach others. You can't just enter a random country and be a missionary. Having a common language would be nice. So, yes...it lines up with scripture.
2. Is it consistent with God's character? Although this is a bit harder to understand, I believe that this is consistent with God's character. That's about the only explanation I can give.
3. Is it confirmed through messages at church or my quiet time? Haha...oh yes! I've heard messages about missions work at church, we've had updates about the Thailand orphanages, I see it on my Facebook page. But read a little further, and I'll explain another place I got some confirmation.
4. Is it beyond me? Well...unless I win the lottery, financially, it is beyond me. And as I've been told, grad school isn't easy work-wise...so it will be beyond me.
5. Is it pleasing to God? Yes...teaching others to speak English and maybe even lead them to Christ? I'm pretty sure that's pleasing to God!

This study sparked in me the thoughts and plans that maybe grad school was the right place to go. But there's something else. There's a dear friend of mine at church. This dear friend walked a little further into my life a few years ago when I would occasionally sing with the choir. And by occasionally...I mean most weeks I'd be sight reading and lip syncing during the first service, and then singing it a little better by the second service...all the time smiling and pretending like I actually was singing the right tune at the right time. Anyway, this dear friend is also a music teacher at a local school. As I've been teaching, we've sent occasional messages back and forth about teaching, music, and some other things. After my last job, I sent her a message telling her all about the end of the year and the struggles and dilemma about my future I was in.  In her response message to me, this dear friend encouraged me to pray and look for the little naggings in my heart where God was possibly showing me what path to go down. I laughed when I read that. God had been nagging and pulling on my heart for almost 4 years. Maybe it's about time I gave him a listen?

In September, I finally was offered a job. It's only part time...but I came with a GREAT reference from my old retail job in NC. I accepted the job, mostly for a way to end my boredom and to at least be able to pay my monthly bills...if nothing else.

Present
So now the moment everyone's been waiting for. What am I doing NOW?

Well, I'm working my part time job at Clothes Mentor in Perrysburg, Ohio. I like the people I work with, but the hours aren't always great, and they get long. I mean, just this week I worked 7 days in a row...starting last Friday and finally ending yesterday! I caught a cold on Monday. One of the things you need to do when you're sick is to rest. Well...that hasn't always been able to happen. I ended up crying at work yesterday because my ear was bothering me so much, that I got sent home early and told to rest. Doctor's appointment today at least confirmed that I don't have an ear infection. But congestion is not much fun to deal with! Financially, I barely make enough money to cover my monthly bills (granted I also have about 2 tanks of gas a week and several fast food trips each week due to my schedule).

I'm also taking 2 graduate level classes...and somehow...I'm managing to maintain A's and B's in both of these classes! It is hard for me to express in a blog post just how happy this makes me. You see, all the way through undergrad, I mostly got B's, an occasional A, and a few C's. I ended my undergrad career with a cum GPA of 2.98. I even had to get academic overrides to make up for my GPA a couple of times. But somehow I'm getting A's and B's. I'm amazing myself with how much and how fast I'm learning things in grad school. I enjoy the company of the other people in my class. And I only have one explanation on how I've gotten B's on the last few tests I've taken when I only study for about an hour the night before the test and then do another review session during lunch at work....GOD. There's only one place this success is coming from....GOD.

And I teach a Zumba class in Tiffin twice a week. This was a little goal of mine...to one day have my own Zumba class. At first the class started out really well, then shrunk down to 1 or 2 people. But for the majority of the last couple weeks, I've had 4 to 5 participants!

If you took a map of northwest Ohio, plotted out Perrysburg, Elmore, Tiffin, and Findlay, and then connected the dots, you'd basically end up with a giant rectangle around most of NW Ohio. I'm currently looking into new full-time jobs that may be a better fit for both my schedule and my bank account than my part time retail job. I'm mostly looking at administrative jobs at colleges because I think that's where I'd like to work after I get my masters. Many colleges these days have ESL and international programs, and this past summer when I was looking for fun, there were several schools in Ohio with ESL positions open. I actually applied for a couple jobs a couple days ago at one of the area community colleges. One of these colleges actually has a campus in Findlay, so I'm praying that I get that job...or at least a shot at it. That job would double what I'm making now, and would be located across town from my grad school classes....so that would greatly cut down on my commute times.

Future
So where is this all heading? Not quite sure right now. Mostly it's all prayers right now to see what God wants me to do with my future. I don't have quite the funds for next semester, considering my job situation. So, first thing I see for my future (and am praying for) is a new job. As mentioned above, that job in Findlay sounds promising (they are supposed to be reviewing applications starting on Thursday...prayers for that!). I also see myself doing even better in class for grad school. Right now...even though sometimes the immediate future is a little scary...I finally feel like this is the path God wants me on. And if I'm supposed to go back to Findlay next semester, He'll find me the funds to do it with.

More to come on this later. And hopefully in less than 6-10 months!